76. Being Head of Household

Meet the Host

Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.

Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your relationship and responsibilities teaching you how to stop arguing and have more sex. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.

Becoming head of household was a transition, to say the least. Especially because I had never made more than my husband before. But now that I was making more than enough money for the both of us, it turned some of our usual family dynamics on its head. 

A lot of women find themselves becoming head of household these days - which is amazing for us! And while it can provide financial benefits, it can also provide personal stressors. 

In this week’s episode, we’ll be taking a look at what happens when an amazing opportunity ends up adding tension to your relationship. New problems can come up out of nowhere but together you can find solutions for a new way of life. 

Whether you're in a long-term relationship or simply interested in what relationships go through, then know that this episode will offer valuable insights to inspire hope in even the darkest times.

Click the link to listen below and email me back with your thoughts, I want to hear from you!

If this episode resonated with you and you're ready to work with me during this season of your life, then I invite you to book a sales call below. 

During the sales call, you will share what is going on in your life. I will share my treatment plan, and then we will decide if we're a great fit for working together. I can't wait to meet you, chica. 

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Episode Transcript:

Karina: Amigos, your relationship needs support. And when I think back to the beginning years of my marriage, where my husband and I were having the most amount of arguments and the least amount of sex, we needed help overcoming the number one issue in our relationship. And to do that, we needed to do something radically different than what we were already trying.

You see, even dramatically different than what the generations before us were doing. And that support came in the form of marriage therapy. Marriage therapy was the game changer for my relationship. It allowed my partner and I to finally take a step back and have somebody else walk us through what was actually going on.

And eventually, we realized that most of the issues that we had with each other had actually nothing to do with the other person. But more so to do with our own unhealed trauma and our own things that we hadn't taken the time to process, but somehow was still showing up in our marriage. And that's why I love better help.

You see, BetterHelp is the world's largest therapy service, and it's a hundred percent online. With BetterHelp, you can tap into a network of over 25, 000 licensed and experienced therapists who can help you with a large range of issues. To get started, you just have to answer a couple of questions about your needs and preferences in therapy.

That way, BetterHelp can match you with the right therapist from their network. Then you can talk to your therapist however way you feel comfortable, whether it's via text. chat, phone, or even a video call. You can even message your therapist at any time and schedule live sessions when it's convenient for you.

If your therapist isn't the right fit for any reason, you can totally switch to a new therapist at no additional charge. With better help, you get the same professionalism and quality you expect from in-office therapy, but with a therapist that is custom-picked just for you. More scheduling flexibility and at a more affordable price.

Get 10 percent off your first month of better help by going to my link, better help. com slash Karina F. Dave's that's better help B E T T E R help. com slash Karina. F as in Frank, Dave's. The link to this coupon is right here in my show notes. Amigos, at this point, you've tried it all in your relationship and nothing is working.

You don't have anything to lose by asking for the support you know you need in the form of therapy. And what’s a better way to do that than with BetterHelp?

Coming up on the Relationships You Understand podcast. 

Welcome to the show. I'm your host Karina F. Dave's relationship coach and speaker where I help women stop arguing with their partners so that they can have more sex Because who doesn't want to have more sex? One of the biggest things that women struggle with is a lack of satisfaction in their relationships.

It's our best kept secret And I know this because it used to be me. You see, I was a checklist human obsessed with the many achievements we're pressed to accomplish. Getting degrees, getting married, having children, buying a home. And after all it was achieved, I still felt empty inside. And so I looked to my partner to fulfill me.

And this is when the arguing started in my marriage. It wasn't until I stopped blaming my marriage and finally decided to take a deeper look into myself, to work on my own need for control, my perfectionism, and to work on my own unhealed trauma, that I realized in order for my marriage to be better, it required a better me.

Join me each week where I will be your personal relationship expert coaching you through unpacking and processing your identity values and standards to resolve the number one conflict in your relationship because a better relationship begins with a better you. Whether you're deep in your marriage or on the road to one, I will help you reflect on who you are, both in your partnership and outside of it.

I know so many of us are struggling with this in such a private way, but believe me, a better relationship is possible. But it also starts with you. Are you willing to do the work? Welcome to relationships. You understand?

If you're loving this podcast and enjoying the juicy relationship gems, then head over to follow me on my socials at Karina F. Daves on Instagram and TikTok. Head over to my website, KarinaFDaves. com and subscribe to my newsletter, Release Your Relationship, where I share weekly relationship advice on how to overcome the number one issue in your relationship.

If you're really enjoying this podcast, don't forget to leave me a review on Apple podcast or even Spotify subscribe to the podcast So you never miss an episode and share it with all of your amigos Reviews are such a personal way to hear your voice and interact with our community Thanks so much for listening and now the relationships you understand podcasts

Amigos, Feliz Anos. Welcome to the relationships. You understand podcasts with your host, me, Karina F. Daves I'm a relationship coach and speaker. And this is the first podcast episode that I am recording of the year. As y'all know, I record all of my podcast episodes live here on Instagram about once a week.

And in a couple of days, you'll see it on Apple iTunes or Spotify. Please make sure. To subscribe to it, leave a review, leave a comment and share it with all of your amigos. I'm so happy to have y'all back. Hope everybody had such a restful, 2023 or into the new year, 2024. Today, we're going to talk about being head of household.

Now today is actually one of the first times that I ever talk about this subject. Now, you may not know this, but. All of my content is actually older, things that my husband and I have overcome. Everything that is current, I don't really share because we're still pretty much going through it and I need some time to get through it, regulate myself, and all of that.

But being head of household is actually something that is pretty current and I wanted to create a podcast episode about our journey about it, what we think about it. And in a couple of weeks, business, Business Insider is actually doing a full feature on my husband and I, and our story of me being head of household.

So thank you so much for being here again. My name is Karina F days, relationship coach and speaker. And this is my podcast called Relationships. You Understand? So. Thank y'all for coming back. Let's talk about the story of how I became head of household to the world and to the world. I mean that when the world sees me and when society sees me because of the salary, I'm deemed as head of household.

So let me take you back to, the beginning of my marriage. When my husband and I were having, some issues in our marriage. And I really felt like money would be the very thing that would solve a lot of our marital issues. And, you know, at the time when we got married, my husband financially made more money than I did.

And a couple of years into our marriage, I would say about like year, three years, five, we ended up being the same and, stayed the same up till about year nine, I want to say. And before that we'd spent a significant amount of time, never really arguing about. Lack of money, but I always felt like if I made more money or if he made more money, if more money came through the door, that it would take the pressure off of whatever argument we were having.

And so I applied for years to over two, 300 jobs, only to make it to the last round on many of the positions and never really get the interview or never really get the job, excuse me. And so. This was, probably 20, I want to say 18, 2017 around that year, the Lord gave me a revelation, that I would get this huge promotion that it would double my salary, actually put my salary at a range that it would be enough for Terrence and I to be fine.

And I remember. Seeing the number and thinking to myself, like, wow, that's, that's crazy. And I felt like the Holy Spirit told me it's not going to happen now, but you can continue applying for all these jobs, but you're just not going to get it. And obviously, like, you know, I'm a little bit disobedient and I kept applying.

I kept applying. And I told Terrence about my vision and I said, honey, God is going to bless us soon with this job. That's going to allow you to retire from, the industry. My husband was a master auto technician in Nissan and being an auto technician is very, very hard on your body. And you can be 30 years old and feel 50 because you're constantly lifting tires.

You're constantly working with engines and you're also working late hours and weekends, right? Because think about when you go to the dealer, the dealership, you go on the weekend. And so. My husband was working on the weekends for almost, I want to say, the first seven, or eight years of our marriage, which was horrible to anybody that's married to somebody that works on the weekends.

I feel your pain. And so at that point, I said, you know, I had this vision and I really think you should start thinking about transitioning or what that would look like, and my husband was like, all right, like he didn't, he kind of just like side swapped me for a few and I kept bringing it up year after year.

Well, at the end of. 2021, a good friend of mine. sends me a message and with a job description for the position and she's like, are you interested? And I was like, of course, like this totally matches my skills. And I get, you know, the interview, I land the interview and I land the job. And so I run upstairs and I'm like, honey, I got the job.

And he was like, what? And this was December of 2021. He's like, I was like, I got the job. I got the job. They gave me the job and I was like, now what are you going to do? And he's like, well, now I got to basically retire from this industry because, you know, his body was all sores. And he's like, I don't know what I'll do.

And I was like, well, whatever you do, I'm pretty sure this is it. Like this is the revelation that I'm going to make enough to, for us both to be comfortable. So just like do whatever you want to do. And I remember telling my husband, like, listen, we've worked really hard. If. Whatever you choose ends up being sort of like, like, low energy.

That's actually really cool for you because you'll be able to focus more time on your race car and your dream of race car driving and, you know, get out there and beat some records when some races and all this other stuff. And, he was like, yeah, yeah, that would be a great idea. So. In a couple of months after that, I started my tech position where I'm actually at now.

And during this period, I also was in the second year of my business. My sister, my baby sister was living with us and she had blood cancer and was getting a bone marrow transplant that year. She's alive. I always feel like I have to say that she survived. She's a cancer survivor. And so I had those things going on, right?

Commuting to the city five days a week. you know, my sister's, cancer, I have children. I had my business, my coaching business. And at that point, I'll give you a little bit of insight and entrepreneurship. I actually decided to, Not take on as many new clients. And I think that year, like the year before that had 12 clients and the year after that, I maybe took on two or three because of so much energy being spent.

But the Lord revealed to me that I shouldn't follow the algorithm and really focus on becoming an expert in my niche, which is relationship coaching. And so at that point, I decided to just focus on content. And the main thing I had going for me was that I wasn't going to follow the algorithm. And so that is when you see all of my reels at the train station, in my car, anywhere I was doing, like I was just preaching every single day, just getting information out there, getting, you know, the opportunity to just serve my community and build what you see now.

So I don't ever want you to think that. The community that you show up to on my page was built overnight. it wasn't an overnight success. Like I have been working hard at this, but more so my heart posture shifted from the algorithm and following the numbers and just following to serve and, coaching to serve.

So anyways, in 2022, I focused mainly on that. My husband has his gun license. This will make sense in a second. And he goes to a local gun shop and he's talking to the owner and there's this guy in the corner. And the guy's like, you know, my husband's talking to the gun, the gun shop owner. And he's like, yeah, I'm really looking for a job.

And the guy's like, I have a job, but like, not a lot of people want to take it because the pay isn't as good as it should be. And so my husband's like, well, where's this job? And he's like, it's actually at Princeton University. And he's like, Oh, well, my wife just worked at Rutgers University for over a decade.

And I know the benefits that come with working at a university. Like after a certain amount of time, you can get your kid's tuition paid. There's so many medical benefits. It's like, there's just a lot of benefits working in higher ed. Right. And so my husband goes for the interview. He gets the job and he starts in April of 2022.

And during this period, his schedule ends up being praise God, seven to three, which, which is amazing because I'm traveling, I'm leaving my house at like six o'clock in the morning. I'm not getting home till seven, eight o'clock at night. You know, like those first couple of months where like you're just really, you know, trying to get, your foot in the door and really understand your environment and the place where you work and getting to know the people and all that.

It was a very, I want to say, I don't want to say difficult, but it was a very heavy transitional year for me because I had never traveled for work. So this is the first time I'm ever traveling for work and there's no glamor in traveling for work. If you've ever traveled for work, you know that like it's not glamorous because you're in and you're out.

Right? Like your job doesn't pay you to stay there for a couple of days to hang out. And if they do, that's amazing. I'm so happy that you have that. And so during this time, my husband starts in April, I'm in my check job and a couple of weeks into his position, he comes into my office and we start talking.

And my husband says to me, you know, I'm having a really difficult time with this transition, not because of the work that I'm doing, but because Of our salaries, right? Like I just kind of feel like I'm not, you know, contributing the way that a man should. And I know that you're super supportive of me retiring from, you know, this very, heavy body type of industry and focusing on my dreams, but it just doesn't feel right.

And I remember this urge to want to fix him. And instead I said, Maybe you should talk to somebody about that, because it's not that I don't want to talk to you about it, it's just that I'm a little bit biased, and whatever I say, you are going to think at the end of the day that I'm only saying it because I love you.

Karina: Here's the thing you've mastered everything else in your life, but your relationship as a relationship coach I help women stop arguing with their partners and overcome the number one issue that exists in their relationship So that they can have more sex. I want to help you come up with the exact communication strategies It's going to take to help your partner comprehend you and you comprehend them.

I will tell you the issues about your marriage that will take your couples therapist six months to tell you. I'll share it in just the very first session. You see your relationship is your mirror and when your relationship feels like it's being tested on a constant basis, it's just an opportunity to see things that haven't been dealt with yet.

I want to teach you how to surrender the need to control your partner. and your relationship by focusing on bettering you first through a mixture of one-on-one coaching relationship framework and plenty of aha moments. You'll finally be able to understand your triggers more deeply and decrease the time you spend arguing with your partner.

You'll become more of an active listener versus being offended all the time. I want to help you stop arguing on the way to date night. and actually have energy for post-date night activities. You see, I'm on a mission to show women like you how to talk to their partners in a way that moves the needle for your relationship rather than leaving you stuck in this toxic cycle of arguing.

I know many of us are struggling with this in such a private way, but believe me, a better relationship is possible, but it begins with you go to link my podcast notes. to book a sales call with me where we'll talk about everything that's happened in your relationship so far, what you've tried and how I can help.

I can't wait to meet you.

Which is true, like, I do love you, but at the end of the day, I think that you should you know, seek wise counsel, seek somebody else. So during that period, this was the summer of 2022, my husband started therapy and in therapy, he worked on things like, you know, his confidence and things of what it meant to, you know, be head of household.

And it was during that time that we really developed the things that I want to share with you on this podcast about being head of household. But I first wanted to run you through that story and. And I would say that up till now, you know, I think I always wanted my husband to someday be okay with, you know, what society calls me being head of household or wanted him to be 100 percent okay with the discrepancies in our salaries.

And the truth of the matter is that he's, he's never going to be 100 percent okay with it. And I'm okay with that. And I think that my perfectionism wanted it to in some way be solved and. It would have been solved in my mind if he was just waking up every single day. Okay with it But the reality of it is that he's not There are some days where he is sort of okay with it And there are some days where he struggles with it you understand And what I want to offer you right now if you're listening Is that there are going to be subjects in your marriage that are going to have ups And not so many ups, right.

That are always going to feel good. And I think that we tend to push our partners to feel a certain way, a hundred percent of the time about something that is that we deem as wrong in our marriage, but I want you to ask yourself. Why do you want it to feel good? A hundred percent good. Is it for them or is it for you?

So you don't feel bad. So you don't feel guilty. Right. And I think for me in this specific instance, I wanted him to be a hundred percent okay with it a hundred percent of the time. So then I wouldn't have to think about it anymore. Like it was mainly about me. So I hope that you enjoyed that story. again, most of my podcast episodes are about 15 to 30 minutes.

And what I want to do now is share with you the three things that we learned together in the last, two years with me being head of household. Okay, here we go. Numero uno is that, God is actually the head of our household. Amen. So, society sees me as head of household because of my salary, right? But in this house, right, we serve the Lord.

You understand? In this house, we serve the Lord. So the head of our household is actually God. It's not me is, you know, is not Terrence is God right like that's who we serve. And I think when we started really embracing that and believing that it took us away from the idolization, because you understand like scripture talks deeply about.

Worshipping and idolizing certain things. It took us away from idolizing the very thing that society created. Right. As much as yes, I'm calling head of household God, and I'm choosing to believe that whoever invented head of household wasn't him, right? Like it was a term that the world made up. And as y'all know, we are not of this world.

And so if I have to choose who head of household household is, I'm going to choose God. And I'll say this again. If I have to choose who the head of household is, I am going to choose God. You understand? Okay. The second thing that I learned, that we learned is that I cannot fix all of my husband's thoughts.

Okay, he needed to seek wise counsel in order help him ease into that transition. Because the more he seeks me, the more I was his savior versus his partner. Let me just say that again. The second thing that we learned, the second thing that we learned in our marriage, when we were going through this situation of me, being head of household and making, you know, more money than my husband is that I cannot fix.

All of my husband's thoughts. And this doesn't just go for this. It goes for a lot of other things. You cannot fix your partner's thoughts. You cannot control your partner's thoughts. There are going to be many things that your partner will need to transition through, will need to grow through, whether that is a move across country, whether that is bringing children into this world, whether that is just getting married, buying a house.

Starting a new career, losing their job. There are so many transitions that your partner is going to go through that you cannot save them from. You cannot save and deplete every single negative thought that comes through their mind because you are not their savior. You are their partner. Do you understand me?

Your partner cannot lean on you to save them all the time. All right. Our only savior is God. You understand Jesus Christ. Like that's our savior. Your partner cannot worship. You cannot be so dependent on you to help them with every single negative thing that they go through. They need to seek sometimes wise counsel.

It can't be all you. If it is all you, and I'm speaking to you right now, you know who you are. If you feel that weight, if you feel that pressure to be the main person for your partner, be everything for your main partner, that's a dangerous thing for your relationship. In essence, what is going on is there is an idolization of you.

You have put yourself on the pedestal. You have put yourself up so high that instead of your partner looking to God, they look to you first. You understand? I don't want that for you. I don't want that for you at all. I want you to be your partner's partner, not their savior. You understand me? Okay. All right.

I'm back now. That was a Holy Spirit. All right, here we go. And the last thing, that I learned during this period is that I needed to remind my husband that I still wanted to be with him. Let me explain. You see, um, there is a male ego that we as wives sometimes have difficulty understanding and our husbands are going to have difficulty explaining it.

But it's there, it exists. And that male ego is sometimes insecure. And it don't take much to remind your partner that you still love them and that you still want to be with them when they are insecure. And for me, over the last two years, I found myself thinking of simple ways that would create big effects in my marriage, simple things.

And I remember thinking that it needed to be rooted in love and what a better way to love someone. than to constantly tell them that you do love them and that you do want to be with them. There is not one day

that goes by that I don't tell my husband, Terrence, that I love him. There is not one day that goes by that I don't kiss my husband. There is not one day that goes by that I don't touch my husband.

There is not one day That goes by that, that man doesn't know that I want him. There is so much power in the simple things of just reminding your husband that you still want to be with him. It's simple. It's so simple. A kiss, a hug, a touch caressing through their hair, sitting next to them with a blanket.

Honey, you want some ice cream? I got you. Oh, you look so good. It's simple. It's so simple. They'll never tell you. They'll rarely tell you that they feel a deficit of love because it's difficult for men to say, I feel like you don't love me. How many men you've heard say that it's hard for them to say that, right?

Especially, listen, I'm two boys, right? And I get it. I get that. It's also Their responsibility to communicate that and my husband's done the work. He's gone to individual therapy He's been in couples therapy with me and he tells me he's he's a different breed He tells me the things that most men don't tell their wives right and for me I know that I made a commitment to my husband under God and that commitment Requires me to show up every day.

Now I may not show up every day a hundred percent because I'm broken. I'm a sinner, right? But I show up and that's what matters. Is that you show up and, and, and let me just say one more thing about that is that I didn't become my husband's source of validation. You understand? Instead, I became his well, where he would come to get filled up.

Okay. And in the background, I did a lot of things to fill myself up. Okay. I want to make some content about that. Right. But all I'm saying is that my husband. Had a wife who poured into him and I have a husband that pours into me. Amen. Okay. I hope all of that helped. So the three things that we learned today are That god is the head of our household.

Amen Two, I can't fix you can't fix all of your partner's problems and their negative thoughts and three To remind your partner how much you still want to be with him. Okay? Listen, if right now, you and your partner are in this place where you're struggling and stuck in this cycle of arguing, and you just feel like every single time you show up you're at each other's throats, I want to remind you that plenty of times this happens is because both of you are stuck on proving your point and proving who's right.

You're trying to win the war, trying to win the argument, but you're losing the heart, you're losing your person. You understand? I want to help you work together over the next four months. So that you can overcome the number one conflict that's happening in your relationship. Okay, I want to help you and your husband not just, you know, mess around from time to time.

I'm talking about like, quickies are great, right? But you know the difference of having sex when y'all ain't good and having sex when it's passionate to connect. Okay. I want to help you have your intimacy back to connect all over again, to be the giddy kids that you used to once be before the kids came into the picture.

So you have fun to have the ability to laugh things off right now. Y'all don't have the ability to laugh things off. Everything is a problem. The smallest thing is a problem right now. I want to help you stop having the smallest thing be a problem. You understand, go to link in my bio and book a sales call so we can talk about everything that's happened so far, what you've tried and how I can help.

And listen, if you're enjoying this podcast, make sure you go to Apple iTunes, make sure you go to Spotify, leave me a review, download this episode or subscribe to it and share with all of your amigos. Please. And also, if you're interested, go to the link of my bio and subscribe to my weekly newsletter, release your relationship where I give weekly gems on how to show up to your relationship, how to get your intimacy back, how to stop arguing and have more sex.

You understand? All right. I mean, he goes, let's Corazon. My name is Karina F. Daves. I'm a relationship coach and a speaker and the host of this dope podcast Relationships you understand and I hope you have a great night. 

 Listen, feel free to DM me if you have any questions.

Okay. And if you want to work together, go to link in my bio and book a sales call. I can't wait to meet you. All right. Ciao. All 

Karina: If you're loving this podcast and enjoying the juicy relationship gems, then head over to follow me on my socials at Karina F. TikTok. Head over to my website, Karina F. Daves, and subscribe to my newsletter, Release Your Relationship, where I share weekly relationship advice on how to overcome the number one relationship issue.

If you're really enjoying this podcast, Don't forget to leave me a review on Apple podcasts, subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode and share it with all of your amigos. Reviews are such a personal way to hear your voice and interact with our community. 

Thanks so much for listening to the show and can't wait to have you back again. I love you so much.