119. Through Thick & Thin Pt 2: When the Spark Fades

Meet the Host

Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.

Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your relationship and responsibilities teaching you how to stop arguing and have more sex. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.

Welcome to our new podcast series - Through Thick & Thin. This is a 3 part series and the 3 parts are going to be the 3 different instances that I believe hit every relationship at some point.

Part 2 is about something that is completely normal in all marriages, when the spark fades.

I share reasons why the spark fades, examples from my own marriage, and walk you through 5 things you can do to bring the spark back.

The solution for when the spark fades is simple, but it’s a long game. So keep these 5 things in mind to bring the spark back into your marriage.Click the link below to listen, and let me know what you think - I’d love to hear from you!

If this episode hits home and you’re ready to work with me, book a call so we can chat. On the call, you’ll share what’s going on, what you’ve tried, and I’ll share how I can help. Can’t wait to connect!

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Episode Transcript:  

Karina: Amigos, como están? Welcome back to Relationships. You Understand? with me, Karina F. Daves, your host, relationship expert, podcast host and speaker. Today we're going to continue our series through thick and thin. This is such a dope series because I am highlighting the top three things that happen in marriages and how to get through them, right?

And also if you're not married, this is a good series for you to listen to in the sense of what to expect because it's going to happen in every single marriage. So if you haven't listened to last week's episode, make sure you go back and do that. Today, we're going to talk about when the spark dies.

Now, plenty of times couples don't understand that the spark fading in your marriage is completely normal. It's natural. But you interpret it as falling out of love. Like you've ever had an issue in your marriage and you're like, just I’m falling out of love with this person. Like, I don't know if I want to be with them anymore. Your mind goes from zero to a hundred really fast. But what is actually happening is that the spark is just fading, right? The spark just fates and it's exactly like if you had a car, you just need an oil change. You take it to the shop or your local mechanic, whatever it is, and you get some lube in there. Okay. Spark fading in your marriage is not anything out of the ordinary. It happens to every single marriage, every single relationship at some point. And it isn't something for you to automatically go to breaking up or automatically go to, we don't need to be together anymore. Let's figure out how to get a divorce. Falling out of love is very different than the spark fading. Make sense?

I wanna talk to you about what happens when the spark fades, but before that, I'm gonna share with you two very, not like deep, but very, I guess, relatable instances where the spark faded in my marriage, okay? So I have two instances.

Number one was in our fourth or fifth year, one of those two, think it was four or five, I ended up really sick and had a mixture of just a lot of different diagnoses from like I broke my foot, I lost my hearing. I had a persistent infection in my body. In two years, I had 12 surgeries. It was very intense. And during that time, it wasn't that we fell out of love. It was that the spark faded and the reason why the spark faded was because I wasn't feeling well. And when you don't feel well physically, you tend to over time get upset, get grumpy, get desperate, become very agitated quickly. You just like want this period to end. And for anybody that's listening that's had a partner that is not as healthy as they want to be, or is going through a difficult time with her health, I completely understand that. But I want you to know that you're not falling out of love. The spark is just fading. And during this time, we had to find joy in the small things, which I'm going to teach you about. We had to find joy in the small moments. We had to be OK with being flexible. We had to be OK with joking around like that for us was our connection. Because if I'm being honest with you, during those two years, intimacy was very limited because my body and where my infection was, it just wasn't attractive to be intimate and it hurt and I didn't have, what's the word? I didn't have the drive. I didn't have the sexual drive because I was in constant pain. Y'all, I was in so much pain during those two years that they had to put me on Valium. Like I, it got to the point where my doctor said Tylenol is like not doing it for you. So you need to wake up, do your morning routine, eat, take the Valium, go to sleep, wake up at lunchtime, eat again, take the Valium, go to sleep, wake up at dinnertime and do it all. Like I was on probably a month of Valium because my body wasn't healing. And so I needed to stop. I don't know about anybody that's listening, but it's very difficult to get me to stop. So I had to stop. Okay.

The second time where I remember the spark fading was we had just moved to our new house and we're from North Jersey. So we moved to the Princeton area through like South Jersey. And my job was about 40 minutes. So it was like, just one highway and I could get there. But my husband's job, even though it should only take 40 minutes, he would be on the road for like two hours. So for about six months, I got the grumpy partner, like the agitated partner, the partner that my husband hates commuting, I don't mind. He was just like, not anything sweet to be around. And so during those six months, the spark faded. Because he was agitated. He was agitated with his job. He was agitated with the commute. He was agitated at that time. He had a stick, a stick for a car, like a car, don't know, a manual car. Excuse me, he had a manual car and it was annoying. Like his wrist was hurting. Like he just didn't want to go to work. And so I remember after six months being like, something has to change. Cause like, you know, this isn't working. And I didn't go straight to a falling out of love. I didn't go straight to like, this can't work anymore. I didn't go straight there because I, we both knew what the problem was, his commute. And so we worked together to solve that. We both knew that when I was sick, the problem was that I was sick. And so we both worked towards making sure I got healthy. You understand? And so for you, yes, it could be clearly that one of you don't feel well.

Another reason why the spark fades is simply your routine. You get in the routine of life, right? In the sense of the kids, the routine of work, the routine of the meals, the routine of pick up and drop off, you get into the routine. That's how the spark can fade.

The second way that the spark can fade is stress, right? Stress from work, stress from relationships, stress from the kids, stress from money. This is another way that the spark can fade.

Another way, which is what I specialize in with my clients is unshared resentment or unmet needs. When you do not feel like your needs are being met, the spark will fade. When you do not talk about the resentment that you have towards your partner, the spark will fade. You understand me? And when you work with me, I'm gonna help you come up with the exact communication strategies it's going to take for y'all to talk to each other about this resentment.

The fourth reason, and this is the one I just mentioned, is physical or emotional exhaustion. So for me, it was physical and a little bit emotional, and for my husband, it was also physical, right? These are the top reasons why the spark is going to fade in your marriage, okay? Stress, unmet needs, resentment, or just simply your routine. Another, when you're thinking about these things, I want you to understand that the solution for this, for them. Okay, the solution for them, I'm gonna piece this up. The solution for when the spark fades is simple, but it's a long game. Hear me out. The reason why fixing for the spark fading is a long game is because it took a long time for the spark to fade. You understand? When you are rekindling that spark, You need to be patient. I'm gonna go through this with you, but first I wanna explain to you how to bring back the spark, okay? Excuse me, I'm just getting over a cold.

So when the spark fades, I want you to keep these five things in mind, okay? I want you to one, prioritize each other. And I know what you're thinking, there's so much going on when the spark fades, how are we supposed to find time to prioritize each other? I'm gonna keep it real right now with y'all.

If you don't have time for your marriage, you should not be married. If you don't have time to prioritize your marriage, you should not be married. If you don't have time to prioritize each other when life throws you a curve ball, you should not be married. If you don't have time to prioritize one another when one of you is suffering, you should not be married. If you don't have time to be there for one another in whatever simple way they need you, marriage isn't for you.

I'm just going to put it out there right now. The decision to get married is much bigger than a four hour wedding. The decision to get married is much bigger than a bridal shower is much bigger than a bachelorette or a bachelor party in Vegas. The decision to get married is a life long decision. The decision to get married is a lifelong prioritization to not just each other, but to the commitment that you said I do too. Marriage is your priority. That the day that you said I do too, means forever. Marriage is a long game. And if you don't have time to play the long game of marriage, then you don't have time to be married. You understand me?

Let me just repeat myself right there. Marriage is a long game. And if you don't have time, to prioritize your marriage knowing that it's a long game, you should not be married. You understand me? I feel so strongly about this because I hear so many people say, we don't have time for each other. Uh-uh, it's not that you don't have time for each other, it's that you don't make time for each other. There is a big difference. When people ask me, Karina, you don't have time for me. I straight up say it's not that I don't have time for you, it's that I'm not prioritizing you. That's the reality of the situation. I may have 10 friends, but I've only prioritized five in this very season, because the other five are five friends that I have to pour into. And right now I don't have the capacity for that. You understand me? When you said I do, it's a lifelong commitment to making sure that you have the capacity for that relationship.

It's much bigger than your kids. It's much bigger than your mortgage. It's much bigger than climbing the corporate ladder. It's much bigger than building this business that you have. Your marriage is much bigger than this. Your marriage is a true reflection of God's love and mercy and grace. And if you don't have the time to have grace, mercy, and love, for your partner, then you don't got time to be married, baby. You understand me? I'm sorry about that. That wasn't me. That was the Holy Spirit.

So when you are, when you are feeling like the spark is fading in your marriage, I want you to understand that the first thing you need to do is prioritize each other. You understand me? Hello, SS voice official. Good morning.

Number two, I want you to reintroduce playfulness. Okay. When the spark fades, you need to play with each other, joke with each other, know, slap each other's, you know, behind a little bit with consent, you know, like just play with each other. Okay. Fun, bring the fun and the joy back. Number three and number four, go hand in hand, physical connection and communication. Okay. I know that plenty of times we see marriage as this like step. It's like, think of this like ladder where you're just like, when we have our communication, right? Then we can have sex. When I feel like I'm seen, we can have sex and intimacy. I want you to understand that you married your partner because you trust them with your heart and your soul and your body. It doesn't always have to play like this, in the sense of you don't need to fix every single issue in your marriage in order to have sex. Physical connection is key in order to gaining. Community in order to excuse me, physical connection is key in order to gaining the spark back, but communication doesn't need to be at an A plus in order for physical connection to begin. You sometimes are waiting for certain steps like step one to be perfect before you move to step two. Marriage isn't step one, step two, step three, step four. Marriage is a dance of all of them sometimes at the same time. There can be days where I am not feeling my husband. Be honest with you. I'm upset that he might've forgotten something for the third time, but remembered something for himself. You understand? But I will put that aside.

I didn't say let go or get rid of. I said, I will put that aside temporarily and be intimate with my husband still that evening. You want to know why? Because that physical connection allows us to speak to each other with just our bodies, reminds each other that we still are here for one another, that we still love one another. Can I be real with you? Sex isn't just about the feeling good of penetration. Sex is more than that. Sex is about two bodies, not necessarily having to say anything with words, but communicating everything that you feel with one another with just a stroke, with just your body, with just a movement, with just skin to skin. Skin to skin isn't just reserved for your newborn baby.

Skin to skin is also for your marriage. Your body needs to touch. It needs to feel one another. Lips need to feel one another. You need to feel each other's breath on each other's neck, each other's hands grasp each other's arm, cause something just happened right there. And you're reminded that like, dang, I really do love you. Dang, I'm sorry I forgot that. Dang, I'm sorry I spoke to you that way. You know how many times I've apologized to my husband in bed and didn't really need to say anything with my words. Intimacy is another form of connection and you're leaving it away as not being an option when I'm sitting here telling you that it is. Intimacy is another way to talk to one another and you're letting it go to waste. You're allowing each other to just walk against one another in your household when intimacy is another way to connect, holding hands. You know how many times like my husband is showering or I'm showering and you just walk in there, you sit on the toilet, you know, and you just start chatting it up. Sometimes that's the only way we communicate because it's so much going on. Sometimes we don't have to wait for pillow talk. Sometimes it can be while one of us is loading the dishes.

Some of us, sometimes it can just be while, you know, we're grabbing some packages. Like, it doesn't have to be so specific to bring the spark back. And your issue right now is that you are attempting to reconnect in such a specific way, wanting things to go very black and white. And if love was black and white.

I don't know, I got a lot to say about this. think this is another episode, but love is so flexible and love is so simple. And the last thing is that I want you to know about when the spark fades is, and this is for anybody that loves God, okay? And that knows God, is I want you to also bring God into your relationship. You forget about him. Like God is love. God is marriage. One time I was struggling with time and God was like, I am time. And I was like, dang.

So when the spark fades, know that it is a long game. So I want you to be patient. And three, I want you to try to bring God into the picture, okay? If any of today really resonated with you and you're just like, Karina, this is where we are. I know that like we're not headed for divorce, but I do know that the spark is fading and I want help on reconnecting. You need to work with me.

Okay, this is exactly what I help couples with or even individually. I always say it takes two to do the work, but only one person to start. So I want you to go to link in my bio and book a call so we can talk about everything that's happened so far, what you tried and how I can help. And we'll develop a plan to get the spark back. I want you to book a call even if y'all have tried couples therapy and it's not working. I'm gonna tell you everything you need to know about your marriage that will take your therapist six months to tell you only because we don't have time to waste.

I don't need time to, you know, muster up the confidence to tell you what I see. All right? Let me pray for you, because I got to get my kids ready for school. God, I thank you so much for this day. I thank you so much even for the ability to be married to the people that we love, to choose one another. I ask that you remind us the power and strength that marriage has, that we don't have to go straight to breaking up, that there is so much...that can be done in between. Remind us of the in-between. Remind us that you're in the in-between. Remind us that you're in the beginning, the end, that you are the alpha, you are the omega. For anybody that is listening to this podcast right now, I can feel there are some health concerns, Lord, and I just pray over anybody's health concerns, whether that be diabetes, whether it be cancer, whether it be just a weird disease, whether it be just something awkward going on in their body. Father God, I pray in the name of Jesus that you would just heal them.

Would you, Father God, allow them to be in the presence of those with wisdom enough to figure out the cure for what's happening to them? Father God, would you also save our marriages, save our children, save our homes and save us ultimately as we may lay down, you give us the permission to lay all the burdens down on you. I love you so much, God. In your name we pray, amen. Okay, I love you so much. My name is Karina F. Daves. I'm a relationship expert, speaker and podcast host of this dope podcast. Come back for next week as we will wrap up the Through Thick and Thin Relationship Series. Okay. I love you. Bye.