86: Spring Clean Your Relationship Pt 2: Do Our Values Still Align?
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your relationship and responsibilities teaching you how to stop arguing and have more sex. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
Welcome to Part 2 of our newest series, Spring Cleaning Your Relationship! This week, we are asking our partners the question: Do our values still align? Figuring out if your values are aligned will help you figure out if this is the person you want to continue to do life with. Because your values and your partner's values are the way that you both navigate the world and make daily decisions. It impacts the way that you talk to each other, how you act, and how you feel towards each other.
Your values are the foundation of the type of person that you are. And, I want you to have this conversation while keeping five specific values in mind. These values are:
Faith
Family and Friends
Money
Your Careers
Your Hobbies
These values are so important to talk about because we don’t start the relationship thinking about these values. We talk about how attracted we are to each other or how good of a time we're having right now and how amazing the conversations are. These conversations are fun but they’re really not getting into the values you need to think about when deciding whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with this person.
Check out this week's episode to hear how talking about these values can improve the future of your relationship and how I help my clients work through the difficult answers that can come up during these conversations.
During the sales call, you will share what is going on in your life, what you have tried so far, and how I can help. I can't wait to meet you, chica.
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Episode Transcript:
Karina: Amigos, como estan? Welcome back to Relationships? You Understand. with your host, me, Karina F. Daves, relationship expert and speaker as we continue our series, Bring clean your relationship. Last week, I walked you through the first step is bring cleaning your relationship, which is to stop asking, do you love me and start asking, do you still want to do life with me?
Two very completely different questions. Okay. Check that episode out from last week. It's already posted. Today, we're talking about how to spring clean your relationship by asking each other. Do our values still align this episode is going to be quick and to the point like it always is. And then we're going to end it with a question that, um, somebody reached out and asked, I want you to let, I want to let you know that at the end of all these podcasts episodes, we are going to be answering any relationship questions you have DM them to me.
Okay. Email them at team at Karina F daves. com. Leave them in the reels. Send the smoke signal. We are going to be answering all of your relationship questions and we will keep you anonymous if you'd like. So here goes Spring cleaning your relationship. Do our values still align? I want you to have this conversation talking specifically about five values.
Okay? Five values this is all it takes that I need you to talk about as far as do we still align because you have to think About it most relationships when they start we don't really talk about values We talk about how attracted we are to each other We talk about how good of a time we're having how amazing the conversations are, but we're really not getting into values.
And so If you're wondering to yourself, do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person, you are going to need to have the conversation about your values, your values, and your partner's values are how you both navigate the world. Let me repeat that your values and your partner's values are the way that you both navigate the world, make decisions daily, and it basically impacts the way that you talk to each other, how you act, how you feel, your values are the foundation of the type of person.
person that you are. It is the foundation of the type of parent your partner will become. It is the foundation of the type of employee you and your partner will become. Okay. Values are very important when you were thinking about spring cleaning your relationship and asking yourself if this is somebody that I want to do the rest of my life with.
These are the five things that I need you to talk about. You ready? Number one, your faith. Okay. Now it is no secret that I love God. I believe in Jesus and I am a follower of Christ. Okay. It was very important to me that I also married somebody that had the same faith. That was my specific value. It is not mean that it is wrong.
If you are with somebody of a different faith. However, keep in mind that your faith also gives you your values. So even if you are going to consider being with somebody of the opposite faith or a different faith, that's fine, but best believe you better educate yourself about the fundamental values of each other's faith, because they will make decisions, especially when you start big purchases, get married.
Uh, have children, all in all. If you want to have kids, you don't have to. So, number one, I need you to talk about your faith. If you have a faith, how deep is your faith? How deep is your love? No, never mind. But how, how much your faith impacts your everyday being. Okay? Number one, faith. Second thing I need you to talk about when it comes to your values, is your family values.
I need you to talk to each other about how important your family is to you. Now, I'm going to extend this to not just be family, but to also be friends. You both need to talk to each other about the importance and the weight that your family and friends have on your life. The impact that your family and friends have on your life.
Are these people that you talk to every day? Are these people that you will confide in talking about your relationship with? What type of boundaries are set with these people? Are these people? Uh, immature or mature enough to be in your life. Do you like these people, right? Does your partner like these people?
Do these people like your partner? You need to talk about your family and friends and the type of things that you value from those relationships, because they will spill over into your relationship or the rest of your lives. Okay, so we have you need to talk about your faith. That's the first value. You need to talk about your family and friends.
It's the second value. The third value that I'm going to need you to talk about is, Is money dinero. I need you to talk about how you value money I'm not talking about showing each other your portfolios And how much money you have in your savings account and how much money you make a year You can have those conversations when I am talking about values I am specifically asking you and your partner to sit down and have a very raw conversation About how you view money How did you watch money growing up being spent?
How did you watch money growing up being saved? How do you think money should be spent now? What do you think is an appropriate thing to spend money on? And what don't you think is an appropriate thing to be spent? spending money on. These are your money values. So that the next time that there is a big purchase and you're side eyeing each other, like, why did you do that?
You can avoid those moments if you knew each other's money values. You understand? I'll give you an example. When I got married with my husband, I didn't value saving money. Yeah, I said it. I didn't value saving money, but my husband did. However, when he taught me about the value of equity and saving money, I realized that it was a value that I wanted to learn and take on.
So you see how it wasn't necessarily something that I valued, but something that my husband taught me to value and not by force, but by educating me with empathy, grace, and love. And patience. Okay. The fourth thing that I need y'all to talk about is your values around your career. You both need to be open and honest with each other about your career motives and moves.
Are you planning to climb the corporate ladder? Do you, uh, Um, value staying at work really late. What will happen when we have children? If we want to have children, are you a workaholic? Are you the type of person that doesn't really care what type of job they get? That's not where your passion lies. Your passion lies on a side business that you have or You are using your nine to five as an angel investor for the business that you're building.
You need to have conversations about the values that you have within career and business moves. You understand? For example, my husband straight up told me when we first got married. He wanted to be a race car driver that doesn't fit in the career box. And so immediately I had a lot of questions and I better understood that his nine to five was so that he could put food on the table, but it wasn't necessarily something that he wanted to climb the ladder in.
You understand? It was something that he just saw as doing and to be able to support his family that he always was going to work hard, but that working and having a nine to five wasn't really his passion. I understood that. Day one. The last thing that I'm going to need you and your partner to talk about when you are spring cleaning your relationship, okay?
By spring cleaning, I mean that you are doing a sweep of your relationship and trying to decide if this is your person. Is this the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with? The last value that I need you and your partner to talk about is the value of hobbies. And I'm calling this hobbies slash individuality.
The reason why I want you to start with hobbies is because asking somebody what their hobbies are tells you how they spend their time. It tells you what they do with the empty time. Do they Find things that they are excited about and sign themselves up. Are they adventurous or are they a homebody? Are they somebody that values just, you know, having alone time or are they attached?
It is a very important question to ask your partner If they have hobbies dreams, do they have things that they see outside of the partnership? So I gave you the example in which my husband stated that he wanted to be a race car driver That was his hobby an individual dream outside of our marriage because at the end of the day Even if you do decide to have kids in this house and get married your kids cannot be your everything Your house cannot be your everything.
Your job cannot be your everything. You need to have something outside of this covenant that you are committing to for the rest of your life. Because at the end of the day, let's just pick kids for example. The kids will leave. The house may get paid off. You may not live in it for the rest of your life.
You understand? Like there has to be something that you want outside of this relationship that is individually just yours. It is so important for your relationship and the dynamic of the relationship. Plenty of times, many of us find ourselves in relationships that are very attached and you wonder like, how did I not catch this earlier on?
It's because you didn't ask about the values within hobbies or individuality. You understand? Okay. All of this to say is that when you start having conversations about each other's values, you will also get the opportunity, the beautiful opportunity to resolve problems. Because bringing up these spicy conversations will get you in this place of having to practice to actively listen.
It may get one of you offended. It may think to yourself, well, maybe this is not the right person for me. I never knew that you liked bungee jumping, whatever it is. It's going to create some type of tension, and I want you to look at this conversation very closely and watch how the two of you resolve this conflict about values.
Okay. All right. That's it. That's literally the episode. If you enjoy this episode, okay. I want you to go to Apple iTunes. I want you to download, um, subscribe to the episode. I want you to leave me a comment in Apple iTunes and leave me a review. Share with all of your amigos. If you're in a place right now where you are struggling with figuring out if this is your person, I want you to go ahead and book a sales call so we can work together to figure out what exactly is keeping you in the cycle of confusion and get you more clarity about what it is that you value and what type of partner you want for the rest of your life.
You understand? Okay, let me pray for you. Father God, thank you so much for bringing us all together this evening. I ask that you send us an abundance of clarity. An abundance of just, um, answers. I think plenty of us are in relationships right now where we're, we are seeking answers. We are seeking to figure out if this is our person, if this is who you want us to be with, or is this just a person that was met in our lives?
Would you make that abundantly clear in us today? I ask that of you. Thank you so much God in your name We pray. Amen. Okay. I love you My name is Karina F days. Oh my god. I almost forgot the question of the day Okay, we have four minutes to do it because I have to hop on a call. Here we go question. All right I love the video about roommates because I talked about When you become roommates, he said very informative.
What do we do when your spouse tells you that they? Are done with the relationship cycles of disconnection are no longer interested in working together to change the roommate situation. Yeah, this is what I want to tell you. Is that it takes two and so if your partner has voiced to you clearly that they do not want to work on this relationship, you then need to decide not based necessarily on just solely that they don't want to work on it, but I want you to think about what you want to do.
Right now that you have this information, how is it that you want to show up? Do you want to continue trying? Do you want to get, you know, um, coaching or therapy for yourself to help you navigate this relationship? The reason why I don't advise people in this moment to just be like peace is because if you leave, and I talk about this in my one on one with my one on one coaching clients, I call it a relocation policy.
If you are ready to relocate from one relationship to not necessarily the next, but just being by yourself, I want you to relocate without these three Rs. I want you to relocate without resentment, without rage. Um, and I forgot the third hour. Let me think really quick, but I think the third hour has a lot to do with, um, Uh, not being, uh, not being, not having the ability to forgive in some way, right?
If you have any of these things, I don't want you to relocate just yet, like emotionally you may have, but physically, I want you to figure out how you can forgive this person. How you can leave without resentment, how you can leave without rage. Because at some point it is going to affect you. If you just leave like bye, you need to settle and regulate those emotions before you move on.
And honestly, with this person that just sent this question, if, if your partner is saying that they don't want to work through this, there's nothing that you can do to force them. Like, especially when partners say like, I've changed, I'm different. Because you asked me to people don't change because of you people change because they want to change anytime a partner tells you that they've changed Because of you it's not gonna last it's not sustainable you want your partner to change because they want to change not because You have set an ultimatum or because you've put your foot down and you want them to change but that's a whole different podcast episode Okay.
All right. My name is Karina F. Daves. I'm a relationship expert and speaker And the host of this dope podcast called Relationships You Understand. I cannot wait to see you next week. Please feel free to subscribe to my weekly newsletter called Release Your Relationship where we are sending spicy emails.
Okay, go to link in my bio and sign up for that. If you're ready to work together, um, then go ahead and book a sales, book a sales call in the link of my bio. Okay. I love you so much. I hope this episode was helpful. Te adoro. Ciao.
