88. Spring Clean Your Relationship Pt. 4: Tell Me About Myself

Meet the Host

Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.

Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your relationship and responsibilities teaching you how to stop arguing and have more sex. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.

Welcome to Part 4 of our latest series, Spring Clean Your Relationship! This week, we are asking our partners to tell us about ourselves. Hearing what your partner thinks of you is a crucial part of your relationship because your partner is your mirror. They are going to notice things about you that you don’t notice about yourself. And if you trust them, you’re going to want to listen to them. Because this can be a lesson you need to learn about yourself. 

So when you ask this question, I want you to really listen to what they say and try not to get offended. Because, if you do trust your partner then you trust them to tell you about yourself - whether it’s good or bad. 

Check out this week's episode to hear four things to remember when asking this question and how I guide my clients through these types of conversations. 

Click the link to listen below and email me back with your thoughts, I want to hear from you!

If this episode resonated with you and you're ready to work with me during this season of your life, then I invite you to book a sales call below. 

During the sales call, you will share what is going on in your life, what you have tried so far, and how I can help. I can't wait to meet you, chica.

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Episode Transcript:  

Karina: Amigos, como estan? Welcome back to my podcast Relationships You Understand with your host Karina F Days, relationship expert and speaker. As we continue our series and end our series today on Spring Clean Your Relationship. Tell Me About Myself is the title of today's podcast. Now we have been together over the last Four weeks talking about how to spring clean your relationship.

The series is for couples that even married couples that are in relationships where they become sort of content and maybe stagnant and stuck in the same place and are trying to figure out, like, do I even want to be with you for the rest of my life? Are we even a good match? This series is for you. We started with.

Sprinkling your relationship. Am I still the one we went on to talk about your values? Then the third episode last week was what are our goals next month? Because it's very easy to come up with goals in five or 10 years. Okay. So, excuse me, something happened. Oh, sorry. I can hear a fan and I'm like, Oh, it's my laptop.

Okay, here we go. So. Today, we're going to talk about, tell me about yourself. Okay. Now, this is going to be a tough conversation to have with your partner, but I'm going to walk you through it. I want you to understand that your marriage is your mirror. Your relationship is your mirror. Okay. Your partner is your mirror.

Your partner can see things about you that you can't see about yourself. Let me give you an example. I didn't know that I was anxious until I got married. I thought that I was passionate and determined and an overachiever. And very much, you know, I was just set in my ways until I met my husband. And he was like, you know, like you're anxious.

And I'm like, I am. I thought I'm just like. Living life like just doing things isn't that what we're supposed to be doing? It's like no you're an anxious person and then obviously I went to get help for it But I just I didn't realize that that was a part of me and it came from being married to him And so your partner is going to be able to see things about you And I'm gonna say this again say say this first your trusted Partner the person that you are committed to because you shouldn't be committed to anybody that you don't trust You We'll make a series about trust, okay?

So these are for relationships in which you trust each other and you trust your partner to tell you about yourself, okay? So, when you are spring cleaning your relationship, I want you to get to the point where you do one of the hardest things, which is to listen to your partner talk about you. Now, good or bad, but talk about you and tell you about yourself.

For example, my step mom, she has this, it's going to make sense in a second. She has this belief that girls are dramatic and raising girls are very difficult. And so because she has this belief. It sort of like steers how she sees life and her point of view and how she sees and how she just makes decisions.

And so I share that because when I have conversations with her, and even if she tells me about myself, I can listen to her and not get offended. Because I know her point of view on life. I know her point of view on things. I know her values, right? We've had conversations about values and goals and why she's with my dad and things of that nature.

And so I want you to understand that listening to your partner, tell you about yourself is going to give you insight on. Their point of view on life. Let me repeat that listening to your partner's point of view about you and about yourself is going to give you insight on how they see life on how they value life on how they, you know, put weight on certain things.

It allows you to learn not just about yourself, but about them. Okay. So this is what I, this is what I want you to do. I want you, when you are spring cleaning your relationship, I want you to ask your partner, the question of. If you could tell me about myself without having to hear me say anything back, what would you say?

The way that I asked my husband this is, if you had to tell me about myself without hearing a rebuttal, without hearing me side eye and get offended, what would you tell me if you knew that I would listen? When you create, that very safe space for your partner to tell you about yourself. It opens up Pandora's box to the many wonders of their point of view.

When you start to understand your partner's point of view, you start to understand who they are. When you can understand who they are, You can make a very conscious decision if this is who you want to be with because their point of view of you, while yes, it may change over time, fundamentally, it's a certain way based on who they are as a person.

And that is who you are marrying. That is who you are choosing to be with for the rest of your life. That is who you've been dating for the last six months. You need to better understand who your partner is from whatever point of view they have. And this is the best question to ask. It's better than even asking what your viewpoints are on politics and what your viewpoints are on money and what your viewpoints are on whatever.

I mean, it is so much better. Because you will get either a very deep answer that you're like, okay, we're aligned. I can see that about myself. Let me think. Or you will get an answer that like this, this, this person's like, not right. Or not even that. Let me take that back. This person. And I just don't align right like they're entitled to those feelings But like I could see where maybe down the line this will not work for us This question will help you make a decision about your partner Okay, let me repeat the question if you could tell me about myself Without a rebuttal without hearing me say anything back What would you say and now here's the thing?

Four things I want you to do when you are listening to your partner. Numero uno, I want you to prepare your offense. And what I mean by that is that this is a very difficult, sensitive conversation to have, and I want you to make sure that your offense is put to the side. Okay. You need to really prepare your offense.

If you are open to having this conversation. The second thing I want you to do is I want you to actively listen. Most of us don't actively listen. Even though we think we actively listen, we are actually listening to solve. I don't want you when you're asking this question to add, to listen, to solve. So like if your partner says to you, well, you know, like, about yourself, like you are just a people pleaser, you know, like the last time I watched you, you know, take care of Wanda, even though Wanda has a spouse and three best friends.

And like, you still went above and beyond when you have a family and it basically burned yourself out. I don't want you to listen to that and be like, well, you know, Wanda called me and yada, yada, yada. Like you're solving in your brain. I want you to listen to your partner's perspective without solving for anything.

You understand? The third thing I want you to do is when this conversation is over. I simply just want you to thank them for being vulnerable, right? Thank them for being vulnerable. And here's the kicker. Sometimes our partners will get what, what my husband calls a passionate, right? So for example, literally last night I went and I showed my husband a, um, a set of outfits that I bought for a speaking event.

And they were all black outfits. I love black. And my husband immediately was like, that doesn't like, that's not what I envision you in. Like, he was very passionate about like, that's not what I see you in. Like, you're just such a light. You're just so beautiful. Like, why are you trying to wear things of the future?

That's what he called my style. He's like, I love your style. That's like date night style, but that's not like I was speaking on stage type of presence. You know what I'm saying? And in my mind, I was cursing him out because in my mind, I was like, damn, like you could have said that a bit gentler, but my brain was like, listen to the feedback and try to understand where he's coming from.

Don't respond yet. And as he was talking, he actively solved. He was like, you know what? Let me show you what I, what I do envision you in. And then he showed me all these beautiful colors and these beautiful suits. And he's like, you see, like, this seems more inviting. Like I, I want you to be able to connect your style with still something that's still very inviting.

And so I was like, okay, I understand. And then. Um, I think I, I, something he said, I walked away and I, I quoted and, and, uh, shared a line from Booty Call. I'm trying to remember what it was. I don't remember what I said. Um, I think there's a line in Booty Call, if you've ever watched Booty Call, it's a very old movie, but there's a line where he's like, um, you know, uh, it's like, they don't make them like they used to, they like hurt himself or something.

It's like, ah, they don't make them like they used to. And I think I might've said something like that as a joke. And so I was back in my office and my husband came in. And I was like, Hey, and he was like, what? He's like, Oh my gosh. What? And I was like, you know, totally hear you. I'm like here looking for other outfits.

I'm going to call reinforcements. I'm going to call my best friend, um, uh, Stephanie and ask her to help me with this. And I did, I called my friend and I was like, I'm crying. I have a call in about 20 minutes. Um, but I want, I know that you can help me solve this. And so I said, but you know, you were a little bit like rough with me in a moment of vulnerability.

Yeah. And he, he literally just physically stepped back and was like, yeah, I could see that. I'm so sorry. It's just that I'm so passionate about like, just how beautiful you are. And I just feel like, That outfit wasn't for that event. And I was like, okay, he's like, and I could have said it a different way.

And then this morning he saw me looking for outfits and he said, Hey, listen, like, I'm sorry, again, like, I just want you to know, like, and he reiterated it. And I want you to understand this may be a totally different topic, but. But how powerful it is sometimes to give our partner the space, not necessarily to be assholes to us, because that's not what I categorize that moment as, but to understand their point of view and be passionate in what they're saying, right?

Like see beyond the, um, passion, see beyond, you know, being like, ah, I don't know if that really looks good on you. Right. And understanding like, dang, like I've seen, cause I am, Personally, I've seen my husband react like this for race car stuff, right? But then I can say to him, and which I did last night, I was like, you know, I'm a lady, which is also from another movie.

I was like, I'm a lady, you know, can you just be compassionate and, and empathize with me? And he was like, no, no, no, you're right. Like you're, you're the soft spot. And my husband had just come back from work. So anyways, I say all that to say that I want you to be able to have this conversation with your partner and be able to thank them for their point of view.

And what I want you to do is not just thank them. I want you to study what you heard literally Go into your office go into your safe space and study what you heard Okay, and the last thing I want you to tell them or to understand Um is I want you to ask yourself What is it and as you're studying this what is it?

That they see that I don't. For example, I didn't see that I was an anxious person. I saw that as an overachiever, but my husband saw that as somebody who was anxious. I didn't see it that way. So what is it that your partner is sharing with you that they see, but you don't? What could God be trying to message you through that person?

You know, God uses people as vessels, right? What could God be trying to use your partner for To tell you, right? What message could that be for? I mean, in that message, again, this is a conversation with a very trusted partner, if you feel like your partner is out of line and this isn't really something that you feel like is honest.

And you know, this, what it is telling you is that perhaps this person isn't for you because maybe your visions and values are completely misaligned. Right. And so spring cleaning your relationship, it's done its work. Okay. So. Again, the question you're going to ask is if you could tell me about myself without Hearing me defend myself hearing me say something back.

What would you tell me you are going to prepare your offense? You are going to actively listen without having to solve you are then going to thank them and forth You are going to study what it is that they see that you don't see from this trusted partner. You understand? Okay, let me pray for you. Um, and then we're going to get to the question of the week.

Listen, if you have a relationship question that you want me to answer, DM it to me. Um, send it to my email team at karinafdaves. com. At the end of every episode, we're taking a couple minutes to answer your questions. Okay. Um, so here we go. Father God, I so much for this day. I thank you that you are committed to us.

I think that you are committed to giving us clarity and discernment for For the decisions that we need to make in our lives. I ask that this series blesses those that really need it Obviously, I don't know anybody but I still have profound love for them which is why you have allowed me to create a platform to share a lot of the knowledge that Honestly comes from you.

That's why I thank you for that lord. We give you all the glory in jesus name. Amen okay, so Let's Answer the question. Here we go. All right. It says hi Karina, my Latina sister, both personally and professionally. I love the conversations you spark between couples, inviting vulnerability and transparency to push the needle toward intimacy.

I'm reaching out as I'm currently in a rut in my marriage and my next chat with my therapist is on April 1st, but truly thank you for your time and expertise. Brief background. We've been married for three years. We're Christians and neither of us had had healthy examples of marriage. My attachment style is anxious and he has leaned towards avoidant.

Yup, match made in heaven. Question. Three weeks ago, I disturbed, disturbed his sleep. No, not for the first time for either one of us. But, he later expressed his frustration and apologized. But now his stonewalling actions have lingered. Not wanting to forgive, express his emotions, or casually converse with me.

Such a good question. So this person, um, has been married for about three years, recently disturbed their partner's sleep and their partner expressed her frustration, the partner, other partner apologized, and now they're experiencing a lot of stonewalling and not wanting to forgive. So here's the thing.

Forgiveness is a choice. You cannot force your partner to forgive you. Um, second of all, whatever made your partner upset about that moment, if they're not willing to work through their own emotions from just that instance, I can tell you that what happened in that moment was that you added. something to whatever they've been building about your relationship and about you.

So for example, if I am upset that my partner doesn't take care of me, doesn't think about me when it comes to eating, doesn't care about my emotions, never does their part around the home, and then they go and wake me up in the middle of the night. Yeah, it's going to be a buildup. I'm going to be very upset.

So I want you to understand that your partner isn't necessarily just upset about that moment. They're upset about a whole bunch of other things. And so what I want you to do, and this is what I help my clients do in my private one on one coaching program is we are first going to figure out where you are, where you stand in your relationship and what you see, we're going to unpack and process a lot of what it is that you think is happening in the relationship.

And then I'm going to walk you through how to create the exact communication strategies in your relationship to create a safe space for your partner to be able to open up about their feelings. We are not solving for their lack of regulation. We are not solving for their lack of forgiveness. And we are not solving for their lack of, you know, um, saying things when it needs to be said.

We are not solving for that. Okay, what I want to do and what I'm doing with my clients right now is that we are working through how to still create a better you because that still creates a better relationship and by that I mean that we are focusing on you as the individual, how you can create that safe space for that to happen.

Now, here's the thing, many couples ask, well, um, what if my partner doesn't want to work on this stuff? Yeah, it does take two to do the work, but it only takes one person to start it. Okay, and that's my work that I do with my clients Okay I had to get going but listen If you feel like this is something that you need help with and that you know that you want to work with me in this season of your relationship I want you to go to the link in my bio and book a sales call so we can talk about everything that's happened so Far what you tried and how I can help All right.

My name is Karina F days. I'm a relationship expert and the podcast host of this dope podcast relationships. You understand if you love this podcast, please make sure to subscribe to it on Apple iTunes. Leave me a review and share it with all of your amigos. Okay. I love you so much. Bye.