96. The Cheating Series Pt 4: The Dedication

Meet the Host

Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.

Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your relationship and responsibilities teaching you how to stop arguing and have more sex. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.

Welcome to our newest podcast series - The Cheating Series. In this 4 part series, I will walk you through the 4 different stages of being cheated on and how to navigate this very hurtful and personal event.

In Part 4 of The Cheating Series, we’re talking about “The Dedication”. In this stage, I focus on the dedication required to rebuild a relationship after infidelity.

We go through the importance of being dedicated to your decision to stay in the relationship and constantly reminding yourself of that commitment.

I walk you through how to hold yourself accountable instead of constantly holding your partner accountable.

Check out this week’s episode to hear how I coach my clients through all the ways the cheating has impacted their lives.

Click the link to listen below and email me back with your thoughts, I want to hear from you!

If this episode resonated with you and you're ready to work with me during this season of your life, then I invite you to book a call for us to connect and chat.

During this call, you will share what is going on in your life, what you have tried so far, and I will share how I can help. I can't wait to meet you.

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Episode Transcript:  

Karina: Amigos, como estan? Welcome back to Relationships You Understand, hosted by me, Karina F. Dayes, relationship expert, coach and speaker and lovely podcast host of this dope podcast. Thank you so much for coming back for another week. I record all of my podcasts live as crazy and as scary as that sounds. It's actually something I love to do. So thank you so much.

for coming back for another week as we continue our series called the Cheating Series. Today we end our series with the dedication. So listen, if you have not listened to the other parts, I urge you to go back to the beginning where I share with you part one, the discovery, part two, the decision, part three, the deconstruction. And now we're going into the final part four, which is the dedication. If you have ever been in a relationship where you were cheated on,

a relationship where your partner has stepped out on you and you decided to stay in that relationship, I'm going to give you the tools in this series of the mindset that I want you to have through it and how to self -coach through, how to self -coach yourself through it, all right? So let's start. Today, I would say that the dedication, I'm mainly talking to those that have decided to remain in this relationship after the discovery of the infidelity, okay? And they,

are very much committed to working things out with their partner. However, the dedication to what I'm about to explain to you, the following things are super important to add to all of this if you want this relationship to be at any point successful or even healthy for you, okay? So here it goes. The first thing that I need you to be dedicated to is the dedication to your decision.

And what I mean by that is that being dedicated and committed to your decision is something that you are going to have to constantly coach yourself through because things will come up. And I mean, in just the very first week that you decide that you want to work things out, you're going to have to constantly remind yourself that you made this decision and that you wanted to be here. You wanted to try to make things work. I don't want you to feel at all that this is coming from any type of place or shame. But I do want you to understand that deciding to stay also requires a dedication to that decision. I'm not saying to put up with more cheating if that occurs or put up with any type of bad mouthing or any type of maltreatment. All I'm saying is that there needs to be a dedication to your decision, which is something that you made that nobody forced you to do at the end of the day. You understand? The other thing I want you to know is that no one will tell you this but me is that you can also always change your mind. Which leads me to my next point. The dedication to your accountability, okay? When we decide, after somebody steps out on us in the relationship, we then somehow, when we decide to stay, we then somehow transform into these like mini accountability coaches or mini accountability robots or detectives for our partners. We feed ourselves the story that we need to hold them accountable for their actions and that they must do X, Y and Z in order to be able to gain back our respect that we know what we need. We know what we want. We know what we want them to do and they just need to be able to do it. Now, at the end of the day, you feel like they need to be held accountable for their actions. I hear you, but dang, after me just saying all of that, aren't you just tired from listening of all the things that you must do in this relationship? It's a lot of work to hold on to. It's a lot of work to hold somebody else accountable for their actions. It's a lot of work and it will completely transform the vibe of the relationship. Instead, I want you to be dedicated to not holding your partner accountable. I want you to be dedicated to holding yourself accountable.

And what I mean by that is if X happens, then what will you do if Y happens? Then what are you going to do? What next steps will you take if they start acting fishy again? What next steps will you take if they cheat on you again? What will you do? I don't want you tracking them, you know, clocking them, figuring out this figuring out their every move. This is going to exhaust you. Let me explain this again.

I do not want after you figure out, after you discover that your partner has stepped out on your relationship and you make the decision to stay and work it out. I do not want you then to become exhausted by having to clock them and hold them accountable for every single thing that they do or say. This will deplete you. This will exhaust you.

This will change 100 % the dynamic of the relationship. It will change the vibe. It will change the values. It will change the purpose. It will no longer be fun. Instead of holding them accountable, what I want you to do is hold yourself accountable for what you will do if they do X, if they do Y, if they do Z. What will be your next step?

What's more important than holding them accountable in this relationship is holding yourself accountable on what next moves you will make based on how they move. So for example, if they decide to, you know, be at the bar late at night and hang out with people that you find inappropriate to your relationship and that goes against your values, what will you do? What will you do? Instead of making it all about holding them accountable,

I need you in the dedication part to dedicate the accountability part towards yourself and your moves. You understand? That's the most important part of this episode. If you just came in is figuring out how you can hold yourself accountable after finding out that your partner has stepped out in this relationship, because I promise you it will exhaust you to clock them and hold yourself accountable and be in this mighty role of like, you need to, you know, win back my respect, which they do.

They know that we need to create trust all over again. Yes, I totally get that. But you holding them accountable every single part of the way will exhaust you, will change you and will turn you into a person that you don't want to be. You understand me? You don't want to be that person. Okay. The next thing that I want you to do is the last dedication is the dedication to this relationship.

I want you to focus on what you want for this relationship. Where do you see it going, right? What do you want it to look like? Dedicate getting support for this relationship in whatever manner you think works, seeking wise counsel, like perhaps getting another partner that y 'all trust to mentor you guys through this stage or possibly some, a church community or marriage therapist or a marriage coach like me, whatever it is, I want you to dedicate your time.

to rebuilding the trust that is necessary for this relationship and being able to come up with the exact communication strategies, unpacking your new values. This is exactly the work that I wanna do with you by the way, okay? Because at the end of the day, y 'all are going to need, as part of dedicating, having a dedication to the relationship requires y 'all getting some type of support, okay? No matter how much y 'all decide that we're gonna work on this,

we're gonna put our heads together and we're gonna make this work. You are going to need somebody, because after you journal everything that you all your dreams for this relationship and after you have these long conversations and after you make a vision board for your relationship, you are going to need support. You are going to need somebody that's going to walk you through unpacking the things that your partner has said, unpacking the attitude that your partner has. And you're like wondering, why are they having an attitude? They're the ones that stepped out. You are going to need support.

to be able to come up with the exact communication strategies it's going to take to heal your marriage, to heal your relationship when something as devastating as this has happened in your relationship. You understand? This is exactly the work that I do with my clients. I've worked with several clients that have gone through this same thing, which is cheating. And I'll give you the honest truth. Some clients decide to remain together and work it out. And some clients decide that they are better apart. At the end of the day, my promise is this, you will either grow together or you will grow apart, but you will always, always grow. You understand me? Okay, listen, if you haven't listened to the rest of the episodes, all right, of the cheating series, I highly urge you to go back to episodes one, two, three, and four, where I talk about the discovery, the decision, and deconstruction, okay? Listen, if right now,

you and your partner are struggling with something difficult, difficult news, difficult situation, difficult circumstances, I wanna help you overcome the number one conflict in your relationship so that you could stop spinning out and stop arguing and putting yourself in circles. Right now, y 'all could communicate till the cows come home. I hope that's how the saying goes. But if y 'all don't understand something about each other, y 'all don't actually start comprehending each other, you ain't gonna get nowhere and communication is just gonna go right at the window, okay?

I'm going to be able to help you decode what your partner is trying to say when they say things like, okay, or I forgot, or I don't know. I'm going to break down exactly what they mean so that y 'all can start being on the same page, so that they can start feeling safe to really tell you what their deep truest feelings are, and so that you could start feeling heard. You understand me? Okay, go to link my bio and book a sales call so we can start working. I wanna help you heal and transform your marriage. I only have a few spots left to work with me.

and I can't wait to do this work with you. Okay, can I pray for you? All right, Father God, I thank you so much for this day. I thank you for your light. I thank you for your sovereignty. I thank you for the hand that you have over our lives and over our relationships. I know that not every single relationship is meant to work out, but I still am grateful for the relationships that you put into our lives to show us everything that you want to show us through people, because that's how you work. You use people as conduits, and I appreciate that.

No matter how much we fall short, I thank you for always being there for us. Really, God, I really do. I ask that you continue blessing our families, protecting our children, as many of them graduate this month, as many of them end and go into summer camps. Father God, protect our kids during this time, okay? Protect our household and may no weapon formed against us ever prosper. Lord, protect us. Protect us, Lord. Jesus' name, amen. Okay.

I love you. All my episodes are super short. If you enjoyed this episode, I want you to follow me, subscribe to it, share it with all of your amigos. And listen, if right now you are struggling in your relationship, I want you to know that you can book a sales call even if your partner isn't ready to do this work. There is so much power in just one. All it takes is one. It takes two to do a lot of this pain and hurt and even

bring together and do the work, but it only takes one person to start. You understand? Okay. My name is Karina F. Daves. I'm a relationship expert, coach and speaker and podcast host of this dope podcast relationships. You understand. I can't wait to see y 'all soon. Okay. Love you. Bye.