104. Why You Stay Pt 2: The People

Meet the Host

Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.

Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your relationship and responsibilities teaching you how to stop arguing and have more sex. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.

Welcome to our new podcast series - Why You Stay.

In this 3 part series, I share the top 3 reasons why you are staying in your current relationship, and why you need to start asking yourself some questions about it.

In Part 2, we focus on the people: your family, your partner’s family, friends, coworkers, step kids, kids, etc.

Hear how when you stay for the people, what you are really worried about is your reputation and the environment.

Learn how you can solve these two issues with a plan.

Click the link to listen below and email me back with your thoughts, I want to hear from you!

If this episode resonated with you and you're ready to work with me during this season of your life, then I invite you to book a call for us to connect and chat.

During this call, you will share what is going on in your life, what you have tried so far, and I will share how I can help. I can't wait to meet you.

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Episode Transcript:  

Karina: Amigos, como están? Welcome back to Relationships. You Understand? with your host me, Karina F. Daves, relationship expert, speaker and podcast host of this podcast. It is early y 'all, if you are up and listening to this episode being recorded live on Instagram, to God the Glory. And thank you for not just joining us, but thank God that you have the...the tenacity to be up this morning. So I just wanna say hi to everybody and thank you so much for coming back for another week. As always, I promise that my episodes are short and quick and to the point. And wow, all the way from England. That's crazy insight to marketing. Thank you so much for joining me. I'm actually getting ready to leave to Bangkok.

Today, my flight is at 10. It is 5:30 in the morning Eastern. And I know you think I'm crazy, but can I just talk about the airport really quick, specifically Newark Airport when you fly out of United? And I have Premier Access. I fly often for work. I also have TSA and clear. And so it doesn't really matter to me. I've been there. I've been at the airport an hour before my flight leaves. It's fine. It's going to be fine.

So I plan on being at the airport if you wanna follow me on my stories as I have a 10 hour layover in Japan, which I am so freaking excited about. And then I head to Bangkok. So I'll leave today at 10 and I'll arrive at Bangkok at five o 'clock in the morning on Sunday. Hi from Chicago here. I can't pronounce that. 4550, thank you for being here. Good morning. Tiwa Fab from London, England. Hey, how are you?

All right, good morning from Grand Rapids, Michigan. What? I've never been to Michigan. Not that Colorado has anything to do in Michigan, but I don't know why Colorado sticks in my mind, but I have been to Colorado and the air is so crisp there. Let me know, send me a DM of why I should come to Michigan. I would love to visit with my family.

Okay, so let's talk about Why You Stay, this is our series, Why You Stay, part two. Part one was focused on time. So this is a four part series on me as a relationship expert breaking down the top reasons why people remain in relationships and they shouldn't. So I'm gonna walk you through that. So last week's episode, I focused on time. And this has a lot to do with people remaining in relationships because they feel like they don't wanna start over and they've invested so much time.

Good morning from Toronto, Canada. I love Canada, by the way. So today we're gonna focus on why you stay and it's people. Originally this episode was called kids, but it has a lot more to do than kids. It's about people. And I've worked with several clients that are trying to make a decision on whether or not to stay in the relationship and they're basing it off of the people, okay? So when you think about the people, I don't just want you to focus on the kids.

Plenty of people don't stay in relationships just for the kids. They actually stay for family, right? Like their family or the partner's family. People also, I want you to think about friends, coworkers, step kids, your kids. It's people, okay? People stay in relationships longer than they should, or people decide to stay in relationships simply because of the people. Now, when you are staying in this relationship for the kids, for, you know, the family or, you know, you're worried about what your coworkers may think. This is what you are focused on and I want you to realize it. Number one, you are worried about your reputation. Now, whether that reputation is because of what people may think of you, what your coworkers may think of you, what your friends may think of you, that's one part of it. The second is you're worried about your reputation with your kids, right? You're worried that they may think that you're a bad, that you're a bad mom, that you're a bad dad, that you're not committed. You're worried about what story will this decision of leaving the relationship, what story will it tell to these people many years down the line? That's one, you're worried about your reputation. Number two, you're worried about the environment. And what I mean by that is you are worried about shifting or shaking the environment.

When you think about the kids, you think about the fact that they have a very stable environment. So for you in your mind, you don't wanna rock the boat. You would much rather remain upset, frustrated, resentful in this relationship just to give them a quote unquote healthy environment. But let me just remind you that what you think you're giving them is a healthy environment.

What you think that you're giving them is a healthy environment, but instead you're giving them a tainted view of what love is. You think by remaining together for the kids, for the family, for your friends, all of that, you are depicting a healthy environment, but you need to understand that you are doing the complete opposite and tainting for them the version of healthy love.

And this is exactly how things get passed down from generation to generation. And you are at the center core of it. You understand me? The last thing that you are worried about when you're thinking we need to stay together for the kids, we need to stay together because of my family, what will my friends think, all of the things, you are worried about the future, right? And when I say that, I touched a little bit about it on part one, which is that you are worried about not only what future story this will tell, but you are also concerned that you will pull out too fast. And because you've pulled out too fast from this relationship, you won't give it enough time to morph into the future potential that you do see in this relationship. Like you're only holding onto this relationship for the future potential of it rather than looking at its current patterns. You understand? I always say this, people don't change for you.

Your partner isn't gonna change because they fear that you will leave them. And if they do, it's not sustainable and it's only temporary. People make permanent change out of selfish reasons because they can clearly see what benefits this change has for them in their lives. They are not simply just gonna change for you. So you holding on to the future potential of this relationship, wanting to force a certain narration or a certain story of this, relationship for it to tell is not healthy for you. You are forcing this relationship to be something that it's either not ready to become, or you are forcing this relationship to become something that it's not meant to become. It's that deep, you understand me? As promised, all these episodes are short. And so this is what I'll share. When you are making a decision to remain in the relationship, for the people, the kids, the coworkers, the friends, the family, I want you to understand is that what you are missing is a plan. Now hear me out. What you are missing is a plan that doesn't come from a place of fear. The reason why it's difficult for you to come up with a plan and not see that all of these things, your reputation, your environment, and the future are all actually solvable. They just need a plan. And you have every single resource or tool around you to create that plan. But you cannot create that plan from fear. You cannot create that plan from the three R's that I teach my clients, which is I don't want you to ever leave a relationship in a rush with resentment, okay? In a rush, the only time that I think that you should leave in a rush is obviously if it was dangerous, okay? And there was any type of violence involved. But you should not leave a relationship in a rush with any type of resentment or in any type of rage or anger. You understand me? So because all of these three things are happening, it's very difficult for you to create any type of plan. But I'm here to remind you that having a plan for these types of things that allow you to remain in the relationship for the people will allow you to believe that it's solvable. All of this is solvable.

You just need to plan it. That's it. It's very simple. You just need to plan it. Okay. So when it comes to your reputation, I want you to think to yourself, okay, I'm worried about what my kids will think of me. Well, if you're worried about what your kids will think of you, why don't you talk to them about that? I know that let's say that there are two or four, then that means that you talking to them is you just showing them love and knowing that you'll have that conversation at another time. All of this is solvable. Okay.

You have every single right and dominion over you in order to be able to solve for all of this. If you're worried about their environment, I had a client that I was working with that was only with his wife at a certain point towards the end for the kids. He was worried about the environment of possibly losing their house, having to sell and their kids needing to move. And then I was like, well, how would you solve for that?

And he was like, well, I would just ensure that their new place had this, this and this, which are the three things that they like, because they're barely home. And I was like, yeah, it's solvable. You just haven't sat with yourself enough to answer those questions. You understand me? Okay, listen, if this is you and you are remaining in this relationship for the reason of the kids or time, money, which is next week's episode, I want you to work with me. You need to work with me if any of this resonated with you.

We are going to come up with the exact strategies it's going to take for not only you to make this decision about what to do and for you to feel good about it, but for also you and your partner to become aligned. I'm going to literally walk you through how to talk to your partner. I want you to book a sales call with me in the link in my bio, even if you have a stoic partner. OK. And what I mean by that is that sometimes we feel like we can't leave a situation or have conversations with our partners because they don't respond. They just say, OK.

I'm gonna teach you how to get through to that. All that has to do with is just not feeling safe, not feeling like whatever I say to you is gonna matter anyway, so why say it? Okay? I'm gonna teach you how to create that safe space and actually hear your partner out and understand where they're coming from. All right? So listen, if this is something you're struggling with, I want you to book a sales call in the link in my bio. Let's pray, because I gotta catch a flight. That's crazy, right?

All right, Father God, I thank you so much for this day. I thank you so much, Lord, that you led me to read Revelations yesterday and today. Revelations and Exodus in the Bible are usually the scariest parts for me. And a couple of years ago, you asked me to study the enemy and I was extremely resistant to it. But I now realize that studying the enemy and also knowing ways that we as human that live in our flesh can be destructive is actually constructive to my growth. And so I thank you Lord for allowing the Bible to not only being a tool that I can use to build my life, but a tool that I can use that I feel safe going to reminding me that while I am broken, I can be saved over and over again. And so for anybody listening right now that is struggling with where they are in their lives and their relationship, I want you to tell them and help them understand that even though that they feel broken, they can be saved over and over and over again. And you know what?

There's a part in Revelations. Well, then here's my Bible. There's a part in Revelations where I actually told Terrence about this yesterday, that says. It's Revelations 2:9. It's the letter to the Church of Ephesus. I hope I pronounced that right. And the verse says, do not fear what you are about to suffer.

This is actually timely. Thank you, Lord, for this word. Do not fear for what you are about to suffer. Behold, the devil is about to throw some of you into prison that you may be tested and for 10 days you will have tribulation. Be faithful until death and I will give you the crown of life. He who has an ear, let him hear what the spirit says to the churches. The one who conquers will not be hurt by the second death. And it just reminded me that we die several times spiritually, right?

Because some of the spirits that we hold on to, spirit of fear, spirit of anxiety, are not healthy for us. And so this verse reminded me that the one who conquers will not be hurt by the second death. And the second is like multiple, the second, the third, the fourth, right? And so there are many deaths that you are going to go through that feel painful, that feel like I'm being renewed and reborn again, right? And that is not a bad thing. It's not a bad thing. Okay, I got to go finish packing because I didn't finish packing. I am the most unorganized, organized person you will ever meet. I tell that to my team and now I tell it to my community.

Thank you so much for coming back for another episode of Relationships. You Understand? My name is Karina F. Daves. I'm a relationship expert, speaker and podcast host at This Dope Podcast. If any of this resonated with you and you want to work with me, I want you to go to the link in my bio, go to my website, karinafdaves.com, sign up for my email newsletter, Release Your Relationship, and subscribe and share this podcast, Relationships. You Understand?, with all of your amigos. Thank you so much for coming back for another episode. It means the world to me. And I rarely ask for prayer requests, but would you just pray for me and pray that I not only am kept safe during my travels, but that my family is kept safe while I am away. I can't begin to tell you how heavy the burden of mom guilt is that lies within me and how much I have to regulate and self -coach myself and know that I am married to an amazing man and have an amazing partner. And it's not that I don't trust him. It's just that I feel bad that my presence isn't here with them. I love my family so much. And I thank God that he gave them to me. They're such a gift. And so are yours, even if...you're annoyed with them, even if you're mad at them, your family is such a gift. Okay, I love you. Bye.