105. Why You Stay Pt 3: Money
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your relationship and responsibilities teaching you how to stop arguing and have more sex. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
Welcome to our new podcast series - Why You Stay.
In this 3 part series, I share the top 3 reasons why you are staying in your current relationship, and why you need to start asking yourself some questions about it.
In Part 3, we focus on money. We either think that money will set us free, or that money will keep us tied down to our relationship.
If you are staying in a relationship because of money, there are 3 things I want you to know that you’re afraid of.
You need to focus on what’s waiting for you on the other side of a decision that you need to make when it comes to money.
Click the link to listen below and email me back with your thoughts, I want to hear from you!
If this episode resonated with you and you're ready to work with me during this season of your life, then I invite you to book a call for us to connect and chat.
During this call, you will share what is going on in your life, what you have tried so far, and I will share how I can help. I can't wait to meet you.
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Episode Transcript:
Karina: Okay, there are so many things in your life right now that you may be idolizing without knowing that you're idolizing. that's one. Two, the second update is I just got back from a 10 day trip in Thailand for work and I also stopped in Japan. If you followed me on Instagram and watched my stories, I had an amazing time to the point where I told my husband we should move to Japan, but that's neither here nor there. Made me realize just how slow other people are in other parts of the world. And by slow, I mean slowly moving, being so present and not so over consumed by the ways of this world. So thank you so much for coming back for another episode. Let's continue our series. I only got about 10 minutes to record because I have to get ready for work and it is five o 'clock in the morning. I've been up since 3:30, but I didn't get out of bed till 4:15. It's severe jet lag. Here we go.
Alright, Why You Stay, part 3,
Money is such an intimate thing. Okay. We can either view money as freedom or we can view money as shackles, holding us down, imprisoned to our situation. And many of us are remaining in relationships because of money. We either see that money will set us free or money will keep us tied down to this relationship, you know, either believe that money will propel us and help us get to the next stage in our lives or that money is the worst thing possible because it's why you remain in this relationship, right?
The three things that I want you to know that you're afraid of when it comes to money in this relationship is number one, you're nervous about financial independence. In many marriages and situations when you're worried about money and why you're staying because of money, you're staying because you're used to the habit of somebody else financially providing for you. Now that's not a bad thing, but that is your habit. That is your situation. That's sort of what you've been programmed to be in. And so the thought of financial independence is very scary to you. It swarms you into this place of like, I don't even know what life looks like after that, right? That's one reason.
The second reason why we stay for money in relationships is because of debt and because of financial circumstances. You know, we feel like together we're better paying off all this debt than paying it separately and possibly having more debt from the relationship, more debt from a potential divorce, whatever it is, right? You fear financial ruin. You fear that separating will bankrupt you not just physically, but emotionally and you fear that, right? I want you to realize that money is such a fear in your circumstance, right? Of why you stay. And the third reason why you stay when it comes to money is because of your long -term investments, right? So this is not emotional investments, this is actually money investments, the house, the 401ks, the pensions, the properties, the cars, there are long-term investments that you've made while being in this marriage that you have a very difficult time parting ways with, okay? And before I get to the part of what you're doing, I wanna re -instill something that my money coach, Gina Knox, taught me, which is that money is a tool. Money is a tool that you can use to get you out of any situation, right?
And even when you feel the lack of money, you can get money. You know how to get money. You've just convinced yourself that you don't know how to get money, right? And so in these situations, you're telling yourself the negative side of these stories versus looking at your situation and saying, I've never been financially dependent. I've been, you know, a partner in which my, let's just say wife has financially provided for us for the last decade and I haven't been in the workforce and I don't have a degree. And this is the situation that we've been in for a very long time. Okay. But there are many skills that you've learned over that decade that could put you back into the workforce. You just imagine that in order to get back into the workforce and actually have a good livelihood, you need to be like the CEO of a company or have a very high paying position.
And the fact of the matter is that you will get there. It will just take time, but you're wasting time in this relationship staying for the mere reason of lack of money and lack of financial independence. You're wasting time making moves towards that dream, towards that solution. You're allowing your circumstance to imprison you rather than allowing your solution to set you free and understanding that your solution isn't something that's gonna happen overnight. Like that's the reality of this episode that I wanna share with you. I fully understand that you leaving this relationship and not being financially independent will take time for you to get your feet back straight. But eventually you will get your feet back straight.
And what I mean by saying that you're wasting time, it's that, instead of leaving this relationship and transitioning out now and being financially independent in three years, you're remaining in this relationship for three more years, not being financially independent and being unhappy and not being any closer to knowing the skills that you need in order to transition out. You understand? Same thing goes for your debt. I mean, there are so many different ways to look at debt.
Yes, and this is a good segue into both of my parents actually went bankrupt when they got divorced, both of them. My mom went bankrupt. They got divorced in December of 1997, separated in October of 1997, and they both went bankrupt. They couldn't afford our lifestyles alone. And we moved into my grandmother's basement with my mom, and my dad moved into a basement, and my dad at 35 or 37 years old was delivering pizzas. Yeah, I was literally 10 years old sitting in the passenger seat with my dad on the weekends where, you know, the ideally you're supposed to spend time together when your parent picks you up. We were working. My dad was delivering pizzas. But in about two, three years, those same weekends we were spending in Puerto Rico because my dad was taking us on vacations. It took that bankruptcy. It took those weekend pizza deliveries in order for us to get the glories that were waiting for us on the other side. And that's what you're not realizing is that it's, you actually know, to be honest, I think that you actually know that it's gonna be hard. It's gonna be temporarily difficult. I think it's more so about the fear that you need to process and get through and push through knowing that there is something that is such a huge blessing for you on the other side. And you may be even thinking, especially with kids, I'm not sure I wanna put my kid through this. Well, I mean, you're looking at the best example right now, or you're listening to this best example, which is I now look back at my dad as somebody that...did everything that he could for his family. I don't look at my dad in a negative light for delivering pizzas and going bankrupt, especially because now, many years later, that same man that delivered pizzas, 15 years after he delivered pizzas, was able to help his daughter with a gift to purchase her first home with her husband.
You see, like it's the story that you tell yourself and it matters. And even when it comes to long -term investments, man, girl, whoever's listening, if you know how to invest while you're married, that means that you know how to take a loss and you know how to get right back into the game of investing all over again. You can pick yourself back up. You see, and this is the part where I'm gonna preach a little bit to you. You're allowing this financial situation in your marriage, in your relationship, you're allowing money to keep you in this relationship and cripple you in this relationship. You understand? When you become crippled in your situation, it is going to be very difficult for you to find solutions, creative solutions, financial solutions that are going to get you out of this situation. You understand? You are focused on right now.
You are focused on the fact that this is your situation when instead I need you to be focused on what's waiting for you on the other side of a decision that you need to make when it comes to money. Money is actually not that complicated. It's very simple, but sometimes money can be slow. And so it's not that money is complicated. It's that you don't like the pace of money.
But in your circumstance, it can be fast and it can be slow. Either way, there is a blessing waiting for you on the other side. You understand? And this is exactly the work that I do with my clients. I'm actually working with somebody right now that one of his reasons for remaining in his marriage, his wife had cheated on him. And one of the reasons that he remained in the marriage was for his kids and for money. And so I had him do an exercise, which was, I need you to go out, look at your money and dream a little bit. Like literally, doesn't all have to be good dreams, but what would happen if you did leave? The house, he put everything on the table, the house, the car, everything on the table. And I said, and how would you solve for it? And he said, I would solve for it like this, this and this. In about 10 minutes, he was able to realize just how quickly he could solve for money because money was that simple. And yes, it would probably take some time. And yes, he would probably have a loss here and there, but he saw that he could pick himself back up. And that's what I want for you.
And that's the work that I want to do for you in my private one -on -one coaching program, especially if this episode resonates with you, this series as it resonates with you, why you stay and you're trying to figure out if you should stay or not. I want you to work with me. You need to work with me. I'm working with a lot of couples, a lot of clients one -on -one. have about two or one spot left for the remainder of the year that literally are in your same position where they're not understanding why they stay, but they know that they need to make a decision. And so when we work together, we come up with the exact strategies it's going to take for you and your partner to become aligned about what you should do. But first, what matters to me the most is what you wanna do, what you wanna do, okay?
All right, let me pray for you. Father God, I thank you so much for this series. I thank you so much for the love and compassion that you have for us.I thank you Lord that you just constantly are committed to us. I've never met anybody as committed to me as you are and I thank you for that. I know that it's not that you hate money, but you don't like that we become greedy with money. You see money as a tool. You see money as something that we can leverage on this earth. You just never want us to idolize money so much so that we imprison ourselves and become stagnant in things like relationships just because of money. That is still a form of idolization. And I thank you for that revelation. In Jesus' name, amen.
Okay, listen, if you enjoyed this podcast episode, I want you to make sure you save it, subscribe to it, share with all of your amigos. And if you're not signed up for my email newsletter, make sure that you go to the link in my bio on Instagram or on TikTok at Karina F. Dave's. Don't get involved with the comments, by the way, and you subscribe to my series, Release Your Relationship, so I can share with you weekly gems on how to surrender your partner and how to navigate your relationship. Okay? I have so much more to say, but I have to go get ready. Not about money, but about your relationship. If you're listening to this episode and you have a relationship question that's sitting on your heart, I need for you to DM me on Instagram, okay? Or send me an email at team@karinafdaves.com.
I want to answer your relationship question. I had somebody yesterday reach out to me and tell me nobody has ever answered my relationship question or fixed my relationship question. And because in my bio, he said, you said you can fix any relationship issue no matter what it is. Literally in two one minute voice memos, I was able to give him solutions and enlighten him about what was happening in his marriage. Actually, they're not married. So in his long -term relationship.
All right. I love you so much and I hope you have an amazing blessed day. My name is Karina F. Daves. I'm a relationship expert, coach and podcast host of this dope podcast, Relationships. You Understand? Thank you.
