106. The Divorce Pt 1: The Aftermath

Meet the Host

Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.

Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your relationship and responsibilities teaching you how to stop arguing and have more sex. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.

Welcome to our new podcast series - The Divorce. This is a 3 part series where I walk you through the stages you will go through following divorce.

In Part 1, I share the top 4 things you need to focus on in the aftermath, the first stage post divorce.

The aftermath of divorce will feel like you have been left to figure everything out at once. I walk you through what you should figure out first, as opposed to everything else that can wait.

Click the link to listen below and email me back with your thoughts, I want to hear from you!

If this episode resonated with you and you're ready to work with me during this season of your life, then I invite you to book a call for us to connect and chat.

During this call, you will share what is going on in your life, what you have tried so far, and I will share how I can help. I can't wait to meet you.

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Episode Transcript:  

Karina: Amigos, como estamos? Welcome back to Relationships. You Understand? with me, your host, Karina F. Daves, relationship expert, speaker and podcast host of this dope podcast. I am so excited to start our divorce series. So if you have not listened to my last series called Why You Stay, you really should go back and listen to it. We go over the top three reasons why people stay in their marriages and relationships, which are money, kids and time invested.

And so today we're going to start a divorce series called Divorce Series. And we're going to start with part one, the aftermath. And I want to walk you through what happens in this first stage post divorce. Okay. I talk a lot about how arguing or certain types of arguments or certain types of unresolved issues can lead to no longer being together, right? And many of the couples that I work with right now are actually working with me to try to figure out if they should stay together or not and some at the end of our time together realize that they don't want to be together and they want to move on individually and some make the decision that this can work now many of them have a variety of issues from infidelity to financial to lack of loyalty, lack of respect, lack of trust, all of the above. Now, as promised, my episodes are always quick. So this one has to be about 10 minutes because I have to go get ready for work as always. So let's get started.

Divorce, the aftermath, part one. One of the things that you need to understand post divorce is that it will feel the aftermath of divorce will feel like you have been left to figure out everything. It will feel as though someone has dumped a very large amount of math equations for you to resolve that you haven't studied since like fifth grade. And what I wanna walk you through in this specific episode is all of the math equations that you should focus on figuring out in the aftermath as opposed to everything else that can wait. Okay?

So these are the top four things in the aftermath of divorce that I really want you to focus on. Okay? The first is I need you to focus on setting boundaries for your healing. And what I mean by that is you need to decide what the level or lines of communication with your ex will look like in the aftermath. Now, excuse me, you may have kids, you may own things together, a business, whatever the case is, you need to figure out what will the lines of communication look like with your ex? The second thing is what will the lines of communication look like with ex -family, ex -friends, all of those things, what will the lines of communication look like? These are the very important boundaries that you need to be setting right off the bat, okay?

The second thing you need to focus on is developing a system to cope with the emotional roller coasters that come in the aftermath of divorce. What I mean by that is what is your system for coping with the grief? What is your system for coping with the sadness? What is your system for coping with possibly the guilt? What is the system for coping even with the relief, right? What is going to be your system?

When you become triggered, your system, when somebody says something, your system, when you feel like you break down, what will be your system for coping? You need a system. Now this goes hand in hand with support, but let me just focus on system for a second. If you do not have a system for coping with the emotional roller coaster or the roller coaster of emotions that come with getting divorced, it will keep you spiraled into those emotions, right? You need a system that says, when I feel angry about this divorce, these are the steps that I will take. When I feel sad, I will take these steps. You need a system. If not, you will remain in this roller coaster of emotions for a much longer period of time, okay? 

The third thing that you need to figure out is a support system. Whether that's going to therapy, whether that's hiring a coach, whether that is knowing that you can call Yolanda and Betty, and those are the only two people that you talk to about your divorce during this period. Who will be your support system? What will be your support system every single time?

You know, I get off the phone with Betty and crying about my divorce. I'm to go for a run. You see, that's the support and that's the system. You need a support. You need a support system and you actually still need a system.

OK, the last thing that you're going to need in the aftermath of divorce is, and a lot of people don't do this part, is figuring out your own identity. And I hear you, I don't know what I want. I don't know who I am. I've been in this marriage for 20 years. I literally have no idea. Great. This is exactly how you figure out who you are and what you want. Not only doing this work, but figuring out what hobbies you like.

Take it back to like pretty woman Julia Roberts that was tasting eggs and figure out what type of eggs she likes, right? It's those types of things, whether it's...What are your goals? What are your interests? It's this rediscovery in the aftermath that is so important. And let me tell you why. If you do not take the time to do the individual self work and figuring out who you are in the aftermath and what you want in the aftermath, this divorce will over consume you so much that you will walk around this world with the weight of this divorce on your shoulders. You will walk around and everybody will know that you are divorced. You will walk around and everybody will know that you are an angry person, still grieving and still sad from this divorce. It will just live in your spirit. It will live in your heart posture. It will guide the decisions that you make. Your kids will feel it. If you do not do this work in the aftermath of the divorce, the divorce in and of itself will be a walking marketing campaign for people to know who you are and what you are about. That is why it is so important to figure out who you are and what you want in the aftermath. Because if you don't, it will over consume you and become you. You understand me?

So these are the four things that I want you to work on in the aftermath. One, making sure that you set boundaries for your healing. Number two, making sure that you have a system to cope with the roller coaster of emotions. Number three, making sure that you have a support system. And number four, making sure that you take time to figure out your own identity. You understand me?

And if this resonates with you and you're like, Karina, I don't even know where to start. Because I'll tell you one thing, this is difficult work to do on your own. I want you to work with me. Okay? I have...two, maybe one spot. And I say one because I have one person in the middle of signing left to work with me for the next four months. Okay. I probably won't have slots open again till February or January. Depending on, I had to sell six month and four month packages. being just honest with you.

I want you to do this work and we need to do it together. It's so important that you don't do this alone. Whether you choose me or your therapist, for me, I want you just to get help. I don't want you going through post divorce by yourself anymore. Even if it's been post divorce a year and you still feel involucrada up in this divorce, okay? Go to link my bio and book a sales call so we can talk about everything that's happened so far, what you tried and how I can help. You understand me? It's so important to do this work based on what I just shared because of what I just shared. Okay, let me pray for you. So I gotta go get ready for work.

Father God, I thank you so much for this day. I ask that you ease the battles that exist in our minds and take us back to the Psalms. The Psalms are such beautiful, just renditions and songs and reminders of who you are, your power and what you're here to do for us. I pray that you ease and calm our spirits, allow us to have clarity today to make better decisions for figuring out who we are and what you want for us. It's so difficult to live in the ratchetness of this world, Lord, I'll tell you that. For many of us, we are wondering in the aftermath of divorce, why you even allowed this marriage to happen. And I think the most frustrating part about you, Lord, and I'm just being honest, I say this with so much respect and so much love, is that sometimes it takes a really long time to figure out why things have happened to us. And that's the main thing that we search for. And so Lord, in this moment, I ask that you come to our hearts and ease us and allow us to see that it's really not about trying to figure out why it happened, but trying to figure out what do we do with what happened. And that's where you come in. Lord, I ask that you keep our children safe, keep our lives safe, our finances safe and our minds safe. In Jesus' name, amen.

My name is Karina F. Daves, I'm a relationship expert, podcast host of this dope podcast and speaker. I love you so very much. If you're not signed up for my email newsletter, the emails are super spicy. They are amazing going out right now. Go to the link in my bio, sign up for my newsletter, Release Your Relationship. If you're not subscribed to this podcast, make sure you do. Comment, comment, comment in Apple and iTunes and share it with all of your amigos. Okay. I love you so, so, so much. And if you're watching this live,make sure that you come with me as I'm going on a day in the life. Okay? Love you. Bye.