107. The Divorce Pt 2: The Rebuild
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your relationship and responsibilities teaching you how to stop arguing and have more sex. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
Welcome to our new podcast series - The Divorce. This is a 3 part series where I walk you through the stages you will go through following divorce.
In Part 2, I talk about the rebuild stage, where you are going to have to build a new foundation for your life.
During this stage, the two main things that I want you to focus on are simplicity and practicality. Those are your two best friends.
And I share the 4 areas that you need to make sure are simple and practical in your life at this time.
Click the link to listen below and email me back with your thoughts, I want to hear from you!
If this episode resonated with you and you're ready to work with me during this season of your life, then I invite you to book a call for us to connect and chat.
During this call, you will share what is going on in your life, what you have tried so far, and I will share how I can help. I can't wait to meet you.
P.S. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp®. Get professional support when you need it, at a fraction of the cost of in-person therapy. Sign up today and receive 10% off your first month! Click the link to get started!
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Episode Transcript:
Karina: Amigos, como están? Welcome back to another episode of Relationships. You Understand? with your host me, Karina F. Daves, relationship expert, speaker, and podcast host of this dope podcast. We're gonna continue our series on divorce. Last week, we talked about the aftermath. You should go back and listen to that series. And today we're gonna talk about the rebuild. I'm gonna walk you through.
All of my episodes are anywhere between 10 to 20 minutes if you haven't been here before. They're super fast, usually because I either have to leave to drop my kids off for school, I have to go to work, or today I actually have not packed for my work trip for Brazil and I need to leave the house by five. So here we go.
And listen, if right now this episode, any of what is said here resonates with you, I really, really urge you to subscribe to this podcast and go back and listen to some of the amazing series that I've shared with so many of y'all in the DMs. Okay. Also, if you have any relationship questions, I want you to DM them to me because I will either answer them on my podcast or you can DM me with your relationship question or email me at team@karinafdaves.com and I'll answer them there. All right. I had somebody yesterday email me about their relationship, their marriage that they've been in for 32 years and their partner recently shared like, listen, we have two more years before our kids will go off to college. So what are we doing here? And it's so interesting because I just finished a series of why you stay, which is kids, kids is one of the reasons. Okay. So divorce, we have about 10 minutes. You ready? All right.
Divorce series today, we're going to talk about the rebuild. Okay. So what I want you to understand about the rebuild is after the aftermath, which is like the initial divorce, there's going to be this period where you are literally going to have to build a new foundation for your life, okay? A new foundation, a new flow. This will fundamentally set you up for years to come, okay? And it will impact your energy, it will impact your mindset, it will impact your heart posture, all of the above.
So in the rebuild, it is essentially building the foundation for your life. Who are gonna be your two best friends during the rebuild is practicality and simplicity. These are going to be the four areas I'm going to need you to work on post divorce. And they need to be simple and practical. The first is financial independence. I'm gonna get right to it. I'm not gonna go into co-parenting yet or self-healing and all of that. We're gonna go right to the money.
The reality is that whatever your financial situation was with your spouse, the money is something that you're going to need to figure out immediately because it is what makes up a lot of the decisions that you make, where you stay, how you're gonna pay your bills, all of that. So I need you to understand your money. Your money needs to be like your girlfriend. You need to know where she is, how much energy she has left. Is she gonna give you some next week? Whatever it is, you need to become best friends with your money, okay? You need to understand her.
The other thing is I need you to understand from a financial perspective, I need you to also understand the divorce settlement. What is happening as far as finances when it comes to the settlement, right? Is there spousal support? Is there child support? How is our bills, certain bills being paid? You need to really not just understand your money, you need to understand the divorce settlement.
And the third thing you need to understand and be clear on is financial security. From a perspective of, do you need to work extra hours? Do you need to get a different job? Is this the right time for you to have a career change? It might be, it might not be. Does this mean that you you temporarily have to live in a condo or an apartment complex before you purchase your new house? Whatever the case is when it comes to your money, you need to understand that there in the rebuild, there needs to be a financial independence, understanding the divorce settlement, understanding your money and also making sure that you have financial security. You understand? I want you to see how simple and practical that was. I was like to the point. That's why your best friends during this season and the rebuild is practicality and simplicity. Okay.
The second thing, which I also think is the most important is you need to have a simple daily routine. Post divorce, your simple daily routine matters. What I want you to do is figure out a daily routine and stick to it for at least 30. This is sort of your like, you know, something that is goal oriented, kind of like a mini marathon or kind of like a, a mini commitment, right? Like you've ever heard of like Whole30, you eat raw foods for 30 days. This is your 30 day habits, okay? I need you to figure out what routine is best for you and stick to it for 30 days. If you don't, you will become a hot mess. I'll say that again.
If you do not have a daily routine that you are committed to for at least 30 days post divorce during the rebuild of your life, you will become a hot mess, caught up in the emotional part of it, which is super valid, caught up in the financial part of it, the physical part of it. It will be the only thing that you think about, but keeping a daily routine will be the very thing that will sober you up and let you be focused all over again.
Does that make sense? So when it comes to your daily routine, I want you to also understand that your daily routine will be the main thing that will also give you stability and a sense of control. Right now, post divorce, neither one of you, no matter how everything got settled, will feel like you're in control. But your daily routine and having a daily routine will make you feel like you have some sort of control over your life because it's the one thing that you can control.
You understand? Because you will not be able to control your ex and they will not be able to control you. That is the reality of post divorce. That is why your daily routine will be the one thing that you can at least know how it's going, know exactly how you want to build it and it will be simply for you. Simple, practical and will be something that will make you feel like you still have your foot on the ground and you're not going crazy. You understand? Okay.
The next thing I want you to focus on is, so we talked about financial independence. We talked about having a daily routine. The next is family dynamics. This is also very important. All four of these are very important, by the way. When it comes to post divorce and the rebuild, these are the very things that are going to set the foundation for the rest of your life. You need to figure out what will be the family dynamics of co-parenting. This is for y'all that have kids.
Okay, even if you have dogs, right, or pets or cats, whatever the case is, what will be the fam, what will be our family dynamic, right? Two main things to focus on is one, how will we communicate with each other? And two, how are we going to support the kids adapting to this new change? That is it. Everything else that you think is a big deal with the kids, can be tabled. For now, the two most important things post divorce that I want you to focus on is communication with your ex partner. So the person that you're co-parenting with that needs to be clean, simple and what? Practical.
And the second thing that I want you to focus on together is how we will support our kids through adapting through this new phase, right? And so for example, one of the things can be, know, Miguel has you know, a soccer game every other Friday and Juan Luis has a football game every other Saturday, right? How about we look at the calendar and maybe you can take on Juan, I'll take on, what was the other kid's name? Juan Luis and I'll take on, I don't know, let's call him, but the other kid, okay? You can divide, like that's how we will support them or every single night we'll make sure that the kids call you or just to say good night so that you have a daily routine with them so that they feel like you're still in their lives or whatnot, whatever you need to come up with. Then when it comes to communication, okay, how are we communicating, right? Are we texting? Are we calling each other? Are we setting up monthly meetings where we're talking about, you know, how this month will go for our kids and our family? That is just the reality of post divorce. And the problem that a lot of people have, and I get it, they get very much caught up in the emotions of the divorce when it's kind of like, this was the decision that was made. And I hear you about the emotions, but there are other support systems that you can put in place, whether you're all going to therapy, individual therapy, hiring somebody to help you process a lot of those thoughts. But when it comes to family dynamics, you need a plan that is simple and practical. Okay.
The last thing that I want you to focus on kind of what we just talked about is that emotional healing aspect. No matter how many calendars you have in place, no matter how many post-its y'all have, no matter how many reminders or skylight calendars or hearth calendars or whatever it is that you purchase, no matter what resources y'all will have post divorce, the emotional part of it is still going to be difficult for both parties in many different ways. So it's very important that that emotional part have a release, whether that is your church community, whether that is a pastor that you trust, whether that is therapy, whether that is coaching, whether that is a hobby, whatever it is, there needs to be a place for that emotional release to happen. Because if it doesn't, it will become bottled up inside of you and will not make the rebuilt part of post divorce about it this season any more better than what it would have been. You understand? So I'll go back and repeat these, okay?
The rebuild post divorce last week, we talked about the aftermath. Those are the initial things that happen right when you sign we're getting a divorce. The rebuild are the decisions that you make in order to lay the foundation for the divorce down. This is what sets the foundation for your life, right? And the two main things that I want you to focus on are simplicity and practicality, right? Those are your best friends. And the four areas that you need to make sure are simple and practical first in your life are your money, your daily routine, your family dynamics and how you will communicate with your ex partner and for the emotional healing part of it. You understand? If any of these things are not worked on, I will tell you that it will feel like you are still going through this divorce five years later. Even though you've signed on the dotted line, it will emotionally still feel ike, we're still trying to get a divorce or I'm still not, you know, I'm still not done with him or her or whatever it is. And that's not what I want for you, which is why the rebuild post divorce is so important. You understand me? Okay.
If any of this resonates with you, you need to work with me. I have two slots left to work with me this year before I start my waiting list. And I want you to have one of them. Okay. Go to link my bio and book a sales call.
So we can talk about everything that's happened so far, what you've tried and how I can help in the middle of what I am going to assume is a very messy divorce right now. We're gonna make sure that this divorce does not over consume you because plenty of times we can get so caught up in the cost of divorce, in the fact of time of how much this divorce is taking us, that it's not allowing us to make clear decisions about our future. And we're holding off on making those decisions because of the crazy as side effect that divorce has had on our finances, divorce has had on our time, all of the above. I'm going to work with you so that the story and the narrative and the testimony that gets told after this is not that the divorce over consumed me and took five years to happen. But from that, I learned how to simplify my life, how to make it practical. I learned how to focus on getting a daily routine. I learned how to have financial independence. I learned how to communicate with my ex partner in a way that was manageable and still supported my kids. These are all of the things that I'm going to teach you to teach you when you work with me. And I don't want you to wait. I literally don't want you to wait because plenty of times people wait till the divorce is finalized or excuse me, people wait till, you know, like everything's over and they've gotten themselves much to a better place. Y'all that could take like years. It could take you years before you get back to a really, you know, kind of good place versus if we do this work now, we can shorten that by a year and a half. Okay. I want to do this work with you over the next six months. So go to link my bio and book a call if right now you are going through a divorce. Okay. All right. Let me pray for you.
Father God, I thank you for this day. I thank you so much for your word, for your presence. And I know how messy divorce can be. And I know that the world tells us that you don't like divorce and that you call us bad people if we get a divorce, Lord. But I think that what's missing there is a story of sovereignty and just how much you are a sovereign God and how much things happen for a reason and how close you are to us when the messy things are there. Lord, one of the things that you reminded me this morning in Jeremiah was that you are a God of options. And sometimes when we are caught up in our storm, we don't see the many options that exist. And so Lord, right now for anybody listening, I just ask that you flood them with your ideas of options, that they are not shackled to one thing, one story, one circumstance, that there is freedom on the other side. They just have to be open to seeing the doors of options and reminding them that staying in their known hell keeps them away from the unknown heavens that are waiting on the other side of the door. Lord, I thank you for loving us no matter how wretched we get.
I thank you for protecting our children. Thank you for protecting our finances. And I ask that during this next quarter, which is a crazy holiday season, that you allow us to make intelligent decisions about what we're gonna buy as Christmas is coming, Thanksgiving is coming, hosting is coming, New Year's is coming. Everything is just coming, Lord. I just thank you so much. And I ask that you allow us to make sober decisions with the money that you give us that is essentially yours, not ours. We love you so much in your name we pray, amen.
Okay, I hope you enjoyed that. If you have any questions about your relationship, make sure that you DM them to me. If you enjoyed this podcast episode, make sure that you subscribe to it, share with all of your amigos and please, please, please leave me a comment on Spotify or Apple iTunes or email me, send me a smoke signal. I love talking to my community and I just wanna say thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you. promised, all my episodes are short. 10 to 20 minutes. My podcast manager must love me so much. Hi, Megan. And my VA as well, Nadia. So anyways, I love y'all. My name is Karina F. Daves. I'm a relationship expert, speaker, and podcast host of this dope podcast, Relationships You Understand. And thank y'all for coming back for another week. Next week, we'll continue our divorce series, part three. Okay. Love you. Bye.
