108. The Divorce Pt 3: The Beyond
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your relationship and responsibilities teaching you how to stop arguing and have more sex. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
Welcome to our new podcast series - The Divorce. This is a 3 part series where I walk you through the stages you will go through following divorce.
This is Part 3, where I discuss the three key things you need to work on during the beyond stage of divorce.
When you work on these three things, you will be able to go from surviving to thriving.
Hear how to move past your divorce so you can have the new life that you want.
Click the link to listen below and email me back with your thoughts, I want to hear from you!
If this episode resonated with you and you're ready to work with me during this season of your life, then I invite you to book a call for us to connect and chat.
During this call, you will share what is going on in your life, what you have tried so far, and I will share how I can help. I can't wait to meet you.
P.S. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp®. Get professional support when you need it, at a fraction of the cost of in-person therapy. Sign up today and receive 10% off your first month! Click the link to get started!
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Episode Transcript:
Karina: Amigos, como estamos? Welcome back to Relationships. You Understand? with me, your host, Karina F. Daves, relationship expert, speaker and podcast host of This Dope Podcast. We are continuing our series on divorce. This is the last part of our divorce series. If you haven't listened to the series, you need to go back. The first part we focus on the aftermath. So the immediate things that happen right after the initial divorce.
The second we focused on the rebuild, the top three things that you're going to need during that season to basically rebuild back your life. And this episode is focused on the beyond, right? So after the aftermath, after you're focused on basically surviving and rebuilding your life again, these are going to be the three key things that I want you to work on and focus on during the beyond of divorce, okay?
Now, if this is your first time listening to my podcast, I promise you that they're always sweet. They're short. Well, they may not always be sweet because the topics are pretty spicy, but they're always short. And it's usually because I either have to go to work, pick up my kids or I'm in a rush to go somewhere, but also because I'm extremely mindful and respectful of people's time. And I'm not here to just like banter. I'm here to literally lay down knowledge for y'all to take with you to be able to implement in your daily life if this is your situation, okay? And I also wanna share that the topic of divorce was actually a bit difficult for me to share with people, to actually teach because two things. One, I am a daughter of parents that got divorced. And two, because I find that divorce and cheating and those types of topics can come with a lot of pain.
But I also recognize that perhaps God put me on this earth to teach and showcase how to move through that pain into feeling like you're revolutionized or feeling, I don't know if that's the word, but like the word I'm getting is like just feeling renewed again. Okay, and that's my purpose on here. Okay, so it's been like two minutes, so I don't wanna ramble anymore. Here we go. So during the beyond, these are the three things that I want you to focus on, okay?
You're in a position right now where you are recently divorced or you're thinking about divorce or you're in the process or you've been in the process for years. This part of the beyond is what I want you to focus on. In the rebuild, you were heavily focused on surviving. Now I want you to go to the thriving, okay? Thriving beyond the divorce. And what that means is like, I don't just want you to move on from this divorce. I want you to get through this divorce and figure out everyday little instances that can make you feel like you have purpose again. When you are married, rightfully so, feels like marriage is one of your purposes, okay? So when you get divorced, it can heavily feel like you don't have a purpose anymore. And you will go into the mode of just surviving. I want you to be so conscious and recognize the fact that in the beyond, I'm going to need you to find small dosages of your everyday life that fulfill you, that make you feel like you have purpose. When that feeling comes about of purpose, you will then feel like small dosages of thriving. You have to go from the survival stage to the thriving stage and ain't nobody gonna tell you this, okay? No therapist is gonna tell you this, your mama ain't gonna tell you this. I know you love your mama and your daddy, but like, they ain't gonna tell you this, okay? Mainly people are focused on surviving. No, in the beyond, you need to be heavily focused on thriving and finding new little senses of purpose. I firmly don't believe that we all have one purpose. Like that's crazy just to think that God put us here for one thing, he didn't. And so you're looking for small dosages of that.
The second thing, and I know that these are important and I say that they're all important, but this is actually really important. In the, beyond the divorce, you are going to be forced to redefine your relationships. There are three categories of these. You are going to redefine your romantic future relationships and what they look like, setting certain boundaries from the lessons that you learned from this marriage, okay? Second, you are going to redefine your relationships with your friendships because your friends are used to you being married. And you have also gotten friends that were in the marriage together, right? Like that, no, both of y'all. The other thing that you're going, the other relationship you're going to redefine is the relationship with your family. Nobody talks about this.
Posts divorce, you are going to have to redefine the relationship also with your family. Romantic and dating, that's one thing. You're an expert in the sense that like you have so many lessons and we're gonna talk about this in a second from your marriage that you're gonna bring into that relationship, okay? Two, friendships are pretty simple in the sense that like, you you're going to have to redefine friendships that y'all had together, redefine friendships that you had.
Family is the hardest in the sense that I had, was talking to a client yesterday who recently got divorced. She actually worked with me through her divorce and she found out that her family wasn't as protective of her throughout this divorce as she wanted them to be. And this really hindered the trust that she had with them. And so last night we spent talking about what redefining that relationship looks like, okay? These are the three relationships I'm going to need you to focus on, your family, romantic and friendships. And I just saw here on the live, CY Young says, what about the relationship with yourself? Amazing question, go back and listen to part one and part two of this series where we focus on the aftermath and the rebuild. And I specifically target the relationship with yourself, okay? That's the first.
Okay, that's the first. The last thing I'm going to need you to focus on in the beyond. Okay, remember there's the aftermath part one. There's the rebuild part two. We're specifically talking about the beyond. In the beyond, the last thing I want you to focus on is the one that you hate the most, embracing the unknown. We as human beings want to know everything. Now, as a believer, it's even more frustrating to know that like God knows our entire story and he's only dishing it out in dosages, right? You need to embrace the unknown. You need to be okay with the fear. You need to be okay with the excitement. You need to understand that the lessons of your past have shaped your future. You feel like you hit this huge reset button when you got divorced. And rightfully so, I understand that. But just because you're resetting your life in this post divorce does not mean that you are now also resetting your knowledge. It does not mean that you are also resetting your expertise. It does not mean that you are also resetting your gut instinct. You are not resetting fundamental things that assist you in navigating your life in the unknown, in the post divorce phase. You understand me? You are simply just resetting the fact that you are no longer with this other person. So what's resetting is the makeup of your relationship and perhaps other things like your finances or your environment where you may live. But internally, the knowledge that you have up here, the sense that you have in your soul and in your gut. Those things, the faith that you have, those are not being reset. Perhaps your faith may be reset in the sense that it may grow stronger, it may build on. Yeah, you can think about it that way. But when I'm talking about reset, I'm talking about delete and start over. We aren't deleting that part. And the reason why the beyond phase is so difficult for many is because you just go back to your baby brain and you're just like, I don't know what to do. And it's like, you were just in this marriage for 10 years. I know you're coming with something. You need to leave with something. You understand me? Don't leave this marriage with nothing. Leave this marriage with something, knowing that you got something in the backpack, knowing that you got something in the bag, some knowledge, some experience, you got receipts. You know what to do when this happens again, in the sense of like, If let's say, I don't know, disrespect was happening and you never spoke up, you know now what to do if somebody calls you out your name, you know how to act, you know that you don't like it and that you know that you're not gonna put up with it. You understand me? That's what I mean, okay? So in the beyond of your divorce, I need you to focus on thriving, not surviving, okay? And finding those little doses of purpose.
I need you to focus on secondly, redefining your relationships romantically, friendship wise and your family. And number three, I need you to focus on embracing the unknown and understanding that you're leaving here with something, okay? If this is you right now, if you are in that post season of divorce, if your divorce has been going on for three, four, five years, the longest divorce that you ever been through, okay? You feel like it is stripping you of everything that you've ever had. I wanna work with you, okay? This is it. I don't want you to wait after everything's over, after you've rebuilt and all of that to work with me. This is the most logical and what is the word I wanna use? This is the most logical and perfect position to be in to do this work. Because at the end of the day, you have been used to a certain lifestyle with this other person, especially if you had kids with this person, it is difficult to co-parent with someone that may not be on the same page with you. So the things that we're gonna work on when we work with privately is communication for co-parenting, Regulating your nervous system and figuring out what your sense of purpose is, how you can stop surviving. Because I'll tell you one thing, for all this time that you've been divorced or trying to get divorced, all you've been doing is surviving and feeling like your neck is a little bit above water only to drown a little bit more down. Okay? I'm gonna help you get above that water and stay above the water. You understand me? Two, sorry, three, we're gonna also work on redefining what these relationships around you look like, right? Whether it's romantic, whether it's your friendships, whether it's your family, we have to focus and do that work now.
So that five years from now, when you meet somebody else or three years from now, or if you're dating now, right? I'm not judging you. When you start to get new relationships, whether they're romantic or not, you are not gonna be able to navigate them based on knowing your specific worth, or you're not gonna be able to navigate them with a sober, clear mind because you're all caught up in this divorce. This is exactly why it's so important for us to work together.
I have one or two more spots left to work with me until I start a little wait list, but don't worry. My team and I are going to figure it out. And I really want to do this work with you. You understand? Go to link in my bio and book a sales call. And we can talk about everything that's happened so far, what you tried and exactly how I can help. Even if it's like getting on the sales call and figuring out, I know I want to work with Karina. I'm a figure it out and you spend some time figuring it out. Let's do that. But this is the question I want to ask you.
If you don't do this work now, three months from now, where will you be? Six months from now, where will you be? And will that place of where you will be, be where you wanna be? You understand? Okay, let me pray for you.
Father God, I thank you so much for this day. I ask that you protect and cover our children, especially during a season where everybody's getting sick. I ask that you allow us to really dig deeper and not blame everything on the weather and not blame everything on everybody else being sick, but understanding that perhaps maybe there are habits that we have within our home, whether it's food, whether it's our routine that may be attributing to our illnesses, whether that be physical or mental or emotional, Father God allow us to see the things that are no longer serving us that you want us to no longer have and break free from those habits. Father God, I also ask that anybody that's listening right now break free from any spirit of idolization whether that's idolization of this divorce, idolization of their partners, idolization of marriage, idolization of their circumstance, Father God, sometimes we get so caught up in our circumstance that we solely depend on our own strength and don't come to you. This week, especially, well, specifically yesterday, Lord, I was praying about how sorry I am for relying on my own strength and how I constantly feel like, you know, there's this like ladder that I have to climb in order to get this grand prize, only for you to speak to me, Lord, and tell me, and I share this with everybody that's listening right now, that the prize isn't success. The prize isn't more money. The prize isn't more homes. The prize isn't more clothes. The prize isn't actually here on earth. That the true prize, Lord, I thank you, that the true prize is having a relationship with you. That's how we know we've been successful and that's how we know we've won if we have a relationship with you.
And the simplicity of your words yesterday really spoke to me, Lord, that you are such a simple God. You are such a loving God. And if we leaned more with you, our life in it of itself would be so much more simple. I thank you so much, Lord, for loving us no matter how wild we get. I love you so much. In your name we pray, amen.
Okay, I hope that spoke to someone. And I love you so much.
And I just want to let you know that I'm here for you. Okay. And there's like sirens coming. I don't know if you can hear it, but my name is Karina F. Daves. I'm a relationship expert and a podcast host and speaker. And this is Relationships. You understand? as we finish up our series of divorce in the beyond. can go back to listen to that series. The next series that's coming up. hey, custom tailored.
Yes, the true prize is God, a closer walk, amen. Thank you, empowering women and girls in Jesus' name. The next series that I'm working on is gonna be called something along the lines of like the silent affairs. This is gonna be a good one. So the next series I'm working on is called the silent affairs in which I'm breaking down for you the three different ways that you cheat in your relationship and don't even know that it's cheating. Financial cheating, parental cheating and career cheating, workplace cheating. If you got a work wife or a work husband, you better let them go, because I'm about to call you out, okay? It's gonna be a good series, y'all. All right, I love you so much. I gotta go. Also, if you are listening to this podcast and you're listening to it live, would you pray for my son, Terrence, who actually woke up with a fever today, and we just pray that he just be healed in Jesus' name, okay? So he's home and I'm home with him today, all right.
I love you so much. Bye y'all.
