109. The Silent Cheating Series Pt 1: The Workplace

Meet the Host

Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.

Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your relationship and responsibilities teaching you how to stop arguing and have more sex. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.

Welcome to our new podcast series - The Silent Cheating Series. This is a 3 part series and I break down the top ways in which you are silently cheating in your marriage, and you don’t even know that it’s cheating.

In Part 1, I walk you through the top 10 ways in which you are silently cheating in your workplace, and share examples.

The things I discuss may not necessarily seem like a big deal, but they will eventually become a big deal, and lead to actual cheating.

Learn how the small habits are what create long term effects in your relationship and how to safeguard your marriage.

Click the link to listen below and email me back with your thoughts, I want to hear from you!

If this episode resonated with you and you're ready to work with me during this season of your life, then I invite you to book a call for us to connect and chat.

During this call, you will share what is going on in your life, what you have tried so far, and I will share how I can help. I can't wait to meet you.

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Episode Transcript:  

Karina: Amigos, buenos dias. Welcome back to Relationships. You Understand? with your host, me, Karina F. Daves, relationship expert, speaker, and host of this dope podcast. Today we start a new series called the Silent Cheating Series in which I'm going to break down for you the top ways in which you are silently cheating in your marriage and you don't even know that it's cheating, okay?

I did a series called the Cheater Series a couple of months ago. And that one basically highlighted what happens to you and your relationship when your partner steps out on you and sort of like, I take you through the discovery, the dismantle, the deconstruction and your final decision. I highly suggest you go back to that series. It's really good, especially if this is something that you've gone through.

This series specifically is called Silent Cheating. Now, I'm gonna break it up into three episodes. Silent Cheating in the Workplace, Silent Cheating in Your Finances, and Silent Cheating as a Parent. That one's gonna be spicy. So today, as I always promise, my episodes are quick and straight to the point. Today, I actually have to go for a run before my kids wake up. So I'm gonna walk you through the top 10 ways in which you are silently cheating in your workplace, okay? I'll be quick, don't worry. And I'm gonna give you examples, okay. So the first is when we, well, let me just stop here and say, the reason why I called it silent cheating is because you may not view this as a form of lack of loyalties in your relationship, but it is.

And it's not necessarily something that right now may be a very big deal, but it will become a big deal. And these are all the ways that silent cheating can eventually lead. Actually, I'll just say it will eventually lead to actual cheating, okay? Whether it's emotional cheating.

So let's start with the first one. Top 10 ways in which you are silently cheating at work. Numero uno, want to, this will be the easy one, work spouse dynamics. If you got a work wife or you got a work husband, you are cheating. You are silently cheating. No one should have the title of your partner's name. That title was given after a lifelong commitment of I do. I need you to understand that the title of wife and husband is very serious. And I know that for you, it's like joking around because you feel like if you have a work wife or a work husband, it essentially means that you have somebody else at work taking care of you or talking to you or listening to you. Nobody else should be taking care of you like your husband does. Nobody else should be talking to you as intimately as your wife does. You should not have a work husband or a work wife. And this is not out of jealousy in any type of way. You understand? This is more so out of respect for that role and what that role means. I don't joke about having a work husband and my husband will never have a work wife. You understand me? And I'll also say this. I don't know if they will be listening, but many have tried. Many women have tried to become my husband's work wife. And it has been nipped immediately. Many will try. Nobody succeeds.

Okay, number two. Another way of silently cheating in the workplace is when you start to have emotional intimacy with a coworker. Now you're like, I don't got emotional intimacy with a coworker. Sure, if you are sharing deep, personal details with a coworker about your life or about your marriage, you are silently cheating. You should not be sharing intimate details about your personal life or even relying on somebody at work for any type of emotional support, comfort or validation outside of work things. Okay, outside of the professional boundaries. You should not be trusting people at work, especially of people at work that you would trust your spouse with. Okay? I'm specifically talking about those of us that are people of the opposite sex, okay? Or if you are in a same-sex marriage, and you find somebody at work that you are emotionally intimate with, that's a red flag. That's not what I want for you, okay? That's number two.

Number three, if you are flirting slash playing with people at work, you are silently cheating. You should not be flirting or allowing anybody to flirt with you if you are in a relationship or married or in a committed long-term engagement. I don't care what it is. You got a boo? You should not be flirting or playing with anybody at work. Okay. Joking around, engaging in like flirtatious comments, making sure that like, not making sure, but having behaviors that could be interpreted as romantic or inappropriate. If you second guessing, if you are second guessing that sort of flirtatious comment that somebody made to you at work, it's flirtatious and it needs to end. For example, I like to wear nice things. And I'm not saying like brand type things, but like I like to wear nice outfits. And I make sure that I'm very aware about the compliments that I receive and how far they go. For example, somebody, a male colleague may say, you know, I really like your jacket today. Thank you. That's it. We don't talk about where I got it from, we don't talk about the color, we don't engage in more about what I look like and my body. We're not going there. And I know you're thinking to yourself, it's not that serious. It is that serious. You gotta understand the way that people look at each other, especially in the workplace, you are spending an insane amount of time with these people, much more than your spouse, okay? All right, next.

Another way of silently cheating is prioritizing your work relationships over your spouse. Okay? And what I mean by that is spending unnecessary excessive behavior outside of work with your colleagues, especially of the opposite sex, as opposed to with your partner, right? If we have a conference that we need to prepare a presentation for, and we are meeting up to prepare for that presentation, fine. I don't do happy hours. I'm gonna be very straight with you. There is no need for me to be drinking with you outside of the workplace. Even when I'm on like work trips, I don't really engage in those as much. I mean, I can count on one hand, I go to sleep or I go and do my own thing. There is no reason for me to be hanging out with you. I don't really hang out with coworkers after work. I think for me specifically, I live an hour and 45 minutes away from my job. That's not how I want to be spending my time. Now, there is a difference between me having a mentor at work and us having a dinner after work to discuss things that I'm having difficulty in the workplace with, right? Or somebody that I trust and I'm looking for advice. I've done that many times, but five o'clock hitting and I have a family and I have a spouse and I'm choosing multiple times to spend the hours of five to seven or five to eight drinking with you when I just spent eight to five p.m. with you already, but now I'm spending an additional two, three hours with you hanging out at a bar, talking crap about work or getting into those emotional conversations that we don't need to be talking about. And then I come home after I had a couple of drinks and then I'm with my family and my family only gets like an hour with me. That's not happening. I don't got time for that. That will eventually lead to infidelity. Those are little tiny things. And here's the thing, I want you to use your discernment as much as possible, specifically with the many examples I'm giving you, okay? Because I know listening to this episode, you're like, that's not silently cheating. It's not that big of a deal to go to a couple of happy hours. No, it may not be. I'm talking about excessive, excessive time together with people that you work with outside of work. You don't need to be doing that, okay?

Next way that you are excessively cheating, I mean, sorry, the next way that you are silently cheating is by seeking validation from your coworker. And what I mean by that is turning to your coworkers for compliments, validation. Anything that you would want from your husband or your wife, you are now leaning on this person at work. That is a way of silently cheating, okay? So for example, I like my outfits, right? I wake up and I ask my husband, how do I look? And my husband's like, you look so good. Thank you. Leans in, gives me a kiss, right? We are connecting in that moment. I do not get to work and ask people what they think of my outfit, especially of the opposite sex. We do not engage in those conversations at all. In particular, I actually worked with someone, very nice person, and I'll never forget that on a holiday, he handed me a piece of jewelry that he had found, but it seemed like pretty new or whatever. And he gave it to me and he said, happy Valentine's day. And I said, yeah, no, I can't accept this. And he said, what do you mean? Said, First of all, I'm married. Second of all, already have, like, I have a Valentine. I'm fine. I don't need gifts. And he's like, but I just found it and just wanted to give it to you. And I said, no, thank you. No, thank you. I never wanted that person to think that it was okay gifting me anything, especially on Valentine's day. Never. I don't care. Jewelry. Plus jewelry is something that I primarily accept from my partner. Okay. Seeking validation. All right.

The next one is I would say hiding or downplaying, hiding or downplaying the people that you work with. I'm gonna give it to you straight about this one. Your partner is concerned about how much you talk to Ebony and she brings it up. Like you talk to Ebony a lot. And the way that you downplay it to your wife is Ebony's ugly. Ebony, wouldn't, ew, Ebony, I would never, ever, ever think twice about being with Ebony. Ebony's married. Ebony has a boyfriend. Ebony and I, we don't think like that. Mind you, you and Ebony, okay, have threads and threads of GIFs, inside jokes, 10 p.m. conversations, 7 a.m. conversations, do you want some coffee? I can bring you some. Thinking about you when I saw this this weekend for your kids, should I get you one? Yeah, we don't need none of that. You and Ebony do not need to be having those interactions. And second of all, you are downplaying Ebony. Second of all, if you find yourself hiding Ebony, and saying to yourself, know what, my wife doesn't like my relationship with Ebony, let me delete these threads or my wife doesn't like this relationship with Ebony, so I'm just going downplaying or hide these messages or put it, I don't know how you would hide it on your iPhone, but whatever it is, that's hiding and downplaying something that is silently cheating, silently cheating. You understand? Okay, I'm gonna get through these a little bit quicker, okay? Let's see, seeking validation.

Secret communication, we just talked about that. Comparing your partner to your coworker. This is a good one. So this is when you are mentally or verbally comparing your wife or your husband to somebody at work in ways that undermine your relationship. I'll give you an example. You're in the kitchen at work. Let's just say John comes into the kitchen and John sees you struggling. John comes over, opens up the bottle for you. And you say to John, thanks John, my husband would never do that for me. Silently cheating. And you're like, no, Karina, silently cheating. You are mentally comparing your partner to somebody at work in a way that undermines your partner and your marriage. John doesn't need to be knowing that your husband doesn't do these things for you. Because I'll tell you one thing, if John's wife, Cecilia, also doesn't do things for John, in that moment where you are sharing that very deep, vulnerable thought that undermined your husband, John is going to take that as noted. And if John is spicy enough, he'll take advantage of that moment and compare his wife to something else. And there you go. That is the beginning of silently cheating to people in an office, connecting about the lack that they feel in their marriage. Do you see how crazy? Quit.

The enemy works. Do you see how crazy quick a relationship of many soul tie can be formed at work from just a comment that you made about your husband?

In that moment, you won't see it as silently cheating. But many more of those interactions later, you and John gonna be going for coffee, you and John gonna be hitting each other up in Slack, private Slack channel. You and John then will move your conversation to text messages. You might even have a phone call. Then you might have a drink. Then you might plan. Then you might make sure that you're on the same flight to that work event.

Then you might go out for dinner at that work event that takes place in Greece. Then you might just go sightseeing and before you know it, your little silently cheating interaction has made you feel so in a place of deficit when it comes to your marriage, then now John is starting to look good to you. That is how sneaky silently cheating is.

This is not about 15 year old high school type of jealousy. I'm talking about how serious marriage and your relationship is that it must be safeguarded. You understand me?

It's all of these moments of silently cheating that create cracks in your marriage without you even knowing.

I'm not telling you these things as a form of you needing to walk on eggshells and be careful of everything that you do. I'm just letting you know that the enemy hates marriage. The enemy hates unity. And so when you step into this world, you will be challenged with division in your relationship. Even when you don't think you will, the workplace is one of them.

Okay, okay, let me keep going. The last, well not the last one, but let me just go through my list here. The next one is pretty obvious, but it's when you start developing a crush or start fantasizing about your coworker that is silently cheating, okay? That is you lusting over your coworker, right? Where it's like you're starting to have deeper emotional thoughts about them outside of work hours, okay?

So let me just make sure that I listed all 10, okay? I'm gonna go through them very quickly with you, all right? These are the 10 ways that you are silently cheating with somebody at work, okay? Number one is emotional intimacy with a coworker. So that means sharing personal details of your life that nobody needs to be knowing and you decide to share with them at work. Number two is when you prioritize your work relationships over your marriage. So this is when you are spending a lot of time and energy building a very strong bond with a coworker over spending that time with your husband or wife. This is when you start to feel excited about spending that time with that coworker. Two very obvious flirtatious, playful behavior at work. I would say joking, flirtatious comments, conversations in which you think are harmless, but they're very harmful. Number four is that work wife, work husband type of dynamic. That's definitely silent cheating. don't even need to explain that to you. It's right in the title, okay? Number five is hiding or downplaying your coworker, telling your wife that Ebony really isn't all that and that Ebony's in a relationship. So there could be possible no way that you guys could like each other. Number six is spending an excessive time outside of work with your coworker. So a lot of happy hours, excessive time being together, maybe even going to events together, all that is inappropriate. Number seven is seeking validation from your coworker. So wanting, that validation from somebody at work versus that validation from yourself or your partner. Right. So that's where you turn to someone else for a compliment or validation outside of like, you know, what'd you think? How do you think I did on this presentation? That's different than. How do you my outfit looks or is my makeup OK? Right. Number eight is secret communication. So when you start to have private channels of communication, text messages, DMs, private Slack channels, that's all within secret communication. Number nine is when you start comparing your partner with your co-worker. And I gave an amazing example to it. Go back on this episode to listen to it regarding that kitchen interaction with John, how it led from silently cheating all the way to you and John not wanting to be together. And number 10 is developing a crush or a fantasy. Okay.

And I want you to know something about silently cheating. You never intended for it to turn from silently cheating to where it is now. I know that. And I know that you know that in your heart of hearts, but these small habits are what creates long term effect in your relationship. Okay.

If this is you or any of this resonated with you and you're interested in working with me because you're just like, listen, like this is a space where I think me and my wife or me and my husband really struggle with and we are interested in making our relationship stronger. Or I really want to work with you to try to communicate a lot of this to my partner because it's it's missing the mark. You want you need to work with me. OK, I have two spots left to work with me this year until November, until next month. And then we're going to open up some more.

I want you to to link my bio book a sales calls so can talk about everything that's happened so far what you tried and how I could help because at the end of the day it's going to be very difficult for your partner to change or for you to change if you're not really understanding why this is a problem I'm going to help you not only identify why it's a problem communicate it with each other so that each other will understand but also make sure that we can build a very strong foundation so that anybody that comes for either of you y'all be able to see that and still keep your marriage strong. You understand? Be able to navigate that. OK, before I pray, let me just go through the messages here. There's anybody here that gave any questions? One second. Good morning. It is that serious. Yes. Hi, custom Taylor. How are you? Yeah, I'm stepping on toes with this series. I am. Yeah. All right. Here we go.

Habits, appetite, decisions. Hey, how's it going? I'm just tuning in. I've counseled this issue while pastoring. Do you think this is a more pronounced, do you think this is a more pronounced than realized? Yeah, like I do, I'm answering this question. The way that I understand the question is like, do we think that this is more like something that we notice? Like it's obvious or do we think that this is more around that lives?

I agree. think it's I actually think it's more pronounced. I think it's something that what I just mentioned that we don't actually see, which is why I'm making a whole series about it. I think that it takes a while to realize that this is happening. And my husband and I early on in our marriage had a lot of these conversations because, know, here's the thing. Like if you're the husband in the marriage, you know how men work. And if you're the wife in the marriage, you know how wife how women work. And I think that it's important that y'all have a relationship in which y'all trust each other to understand that like, I may not think that that's what Ebony is doing, but I trust you because you're my wife. Two, I want to respect you as my wife. And three, I trust that you are giving me insight on how women navigate and how I may not have seen it that way. Right. That's it. OK, let's see. Any other questions? OK.

Hopefully habits, appetites and decisions, hopefully I answered that for you. All right, let's go into prayer.

Father God, I thank you so much, not just for this day, but for our lives. I thank you that you created things like the weekend. And if you work this weekend, I hope that you find some solids and some rest. Lord, I thank you for the ability to have the technology that we have today so that we can.

Interact and and communicate with each other in ways that just weren't possible before Lord I thank you for the convictions that you give us I woke up this morning with a heavy conviction about something that you wanted me to end and I just thank you for not just convictions But I thank you for the obedience and the spirit of obedience that you give in us because although I may not understand fully What the big deal is I guess? for me I love how much you, still love us in our second guessing. and so I just, I just want to thank you for convictions, Lord. That was heavy on my heart this morning, Lord, for anybody that's listening, I pray over their marriages. pray over their relationships. I pray over any engagements that are listening to me right now. And I hope that this series instilled some type of revelation, in them in ways that they may, they, that they may not be seeing are wrong or are dangerous to their relationship but actually is. Lord, I ask that you protect us. I ask that you give us so much clarity and discernment about our lives. I ask that anybody that is struggling right now with figuring out if they should be with their partners right now, really seek wise counsel.

Whether that be people that they trust, a pastor, a local pastor in a church, and maybe talk to you. I think that sometimes we forget to talk to you. We forget that prayer is actually much simpler than it seems. Prayer doesn't have to be a whole show or a whole spectacular or even straightforward stream of words. We're allowed to trip up when we pray. We're allowed to not even fully understand what we're saying.

That's why we come to you because we're looking for the unraveling of our hearts, the untethering of our hearts, the untethering of our thoughts. That's what you help us do. You help us put all the puzzle pieces together again. I thank you for loving and supporting us. I ask that you keep our children safe during this very, very, very crazy flu cold season, Lord. I ask that you continue to love us in ways that in ways that we may not understand Lord, I thank you for the people that you have put in our lives whether It has caused us to struggle or not. There's always a lesson in everything Thank you Lord for just being you in your name. We pray. Amen.

Okay, I Hope that helps Listen, this is gonna be a great series next week We're gonna talk about silently cheating and we're gonna get into finances money.

My name is Karina F. Daves. I'm a relationship expert, speaker and podcast host of this podcast, Relationships. You Understand? If you had not subscribed to my email newsletter yet, you need to because there is something that is coming. I'm not good at keeping these types of secrets. I'm good at keeping other secrets. I'll just tell you, I am hosting a private workshop for my current clients and for my email subscribers, okay? I'm not gonna post about it. I'm gonna only put it in my stories. You can only get the link if you subscribe to my email newsletter. The private workshop is gonna be called, Should I Stay or Should I Go? I'm gonna walk you through how to decide if you should stay or go in your relationship. And then I'm gonna spend 30 minutes live coaching people for free on this call. It is free to come.

Okay, it's a client private workshop. You'll get insights on how my clients work with me. You'll get to ask your relationship questions. You can bring your partner on this call. The only way to access it is to be on my email newsletter. Okay, so go to link in my bio subscribe to my email newsletter right now. I'll host a private workshop for my clients and my email subscribers called Should I Stay or Should I Go? Okay, it's gonna be epic. All right, it's gonna be later this month or early November, but it's gonna be amazing.

All right, I love you so much. Any of your relationship questions, DM me, send me a smoke signal, whatever the case is. And if any of this today on this episode resonated with you, you need to work with me, okay? I love you so much. All right, bye.