82. You and Your Partner are Roommates
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your relationship and responsibilities teaching you how to stop arguing and have more sex. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
In this week’s episode, we talk about what to do when your partner becomes your roommate.
When you feel like your spouse is more of your roommate than anything and you do not address it, the red flags of this new roommate relationship will feel heavy. In this episode, we’re going to address these red flags and what you can do about them.
This year, I’ve worked with a client, who with my support as her relationship coach was able to address the root of the problem and get back to the loving relationship they both missed.
Click the link to listen below and email me back with your thoughts, I want to hear from you!
If this episode resonated with you and you're ready to work with me during this season of your life, then I invite you to book a sales call below.
During the sales call, you will share what is going on in your life, what you have tried so far, and how I can help. I can't wait to meet you, chica.
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Episode Transcript:
Karina: Amigos, como estan? My name is Karina F. Daves. I'm a relationship coach and podcast host of this dope podcast called Relationships? You Understand. Today we're going to be talking about what to do when your partner Your spouse becomes your roommate. And I know what you're thinking. For those of us watching live, it is almost 11 o'clock at night.
I get it. I'm actually getting my teeth pulled tomorrow, all three of them. Um, if you have any advice for having multiple wisdom teeth being pulled, please send me a DM. If not, just pray for me. Um, I took my boys out to dinner and dessert before dinner. And so I decided to do that. And Submit some tax information for my accountant before I recorded this.
And so this is where I'm at. I just want to say thank you for coming back for another week. And it's been, it's been an interesting month. God has really been speaking to me about the many things in which he wants me to be grounded in. And it hasn't been the Best messages that I've wanted to receive but I know that growth isn't always comfortable.
Amen Okay, so here we go. Let's talk about what to do when your spouse becomes your roommate So as a relationship expert, I want you to understand and I'll talk a little bit more about this later on is that it happens There is going to be a point in your relationship where you are going to feel like your spouse is more of your roommate than anything, right?
And when you do not address it, there are certain markers or red flags in your relationship that will begin to feel even heavier like they are your roommate, okay? And these are them. I have for to share. So these are the signs that your partner right now that you're living with is more of your roommate than your spouse.
Number one, you primarily only solve for the mechanics of the relationship. And what I mean by mechanics, it's like the easiest part of the relationship, which is the structure of the pickups and the drop offs and the groceries and the bills. And you know, when will we do this for the, for the house? Like all of those things are the mechanics of the relationship.
When you and your partner are solving for more of the mechanics of the relationship, rather than solving. For the things that are going to nurture each other, the things that are going to grow you both as individuals, you are close to most likely becoming roommates or you already are. You understand? The second sign that you and your spouse have become more roommates than anything is the obvious limited sex, limited or no sex.
You two started out having sex. I mean, it's how your kids got here, right? And it's actually, as a relationship expert, it's one of the questions I ask. My clients that have multiple children is like, how did y'all have those kids? Right. Like what was going on in your relationship to have them? Like, how did they get here?
And they always laugh. They're always like, wait, I don't understand. I'm like, no, seriously, answer the question. Like, Did y'all have these kids because it was time, because you felt like it was time to have a kid, or did y'all actively intimate? Were y'all actively pursuing each other? What was happening in your relationship in order for the drive of sex and intimacy to be high, right?
Because when it is low. Or close to none or none at all. You and your partner have turned into official roommates. Okay. The third sign that you and your spouse are now roommates is that you feel lonely. Okay. You feel lonely. There is a lack of empathy. There is a lack of understanding. And furthermore, there is this huge lack of feeling misunderstood and not supported.
All of those feelings are normal to have separately in your relationship. But they feel the heaviest when they all come together and you feel them all at the same time when you feel Lack of empathy when you feel lonely when you feel misunderstood When you feel like there's a lack of support when you feel all of those things at the same time Super at its heaviest you and your partner most likely have become roommates You understand the last sign is that there is a limited amount of shared experiences.
And what I mean by that is you hanging out with your kids is not a shared experience. Okay? I'm talking about more than date nights. I'm talking about you and your spouse having Intimate conversations, intimate experiences, learning new things together, intimate discoveries. Like, you know, whether it is a vacation, whether it is, you know, an extended weekend, whether it is discovering like, Oh my gosh, did you know that new piece of information?
Shared experiences. If you and your partner are no longer having shared experiences between the two of you, then most likely you have become roommates. You understand? So here they are. Number one, signs to know if you and your partner are now roommates. One, you only solve for the mechanics of the relationship, which is the kids, the drop offs, the groceries, and all the bills getting paid.
Two, You either stop or have a limited amount of sex or intimacy. Three, you feel lonely, lack of empathy, not supported and misunderstood all at the same time. And four, there is a limited or no amount of shared experiences happening in your relationship right now. You understand? And so what I want to do is first, going back to my original point, when we started this podcast episode is to share with y'all that this happens, okay?
Feeling like your partner is now your roommate. It happens, it is normal, life gets busy, people are moving, careers are shifting, you are getting accustomed to the routine of life. And let me just be clear, the routine of your life will shift. If not every two quarters every quarter like it will just shift new things will need to happen new Things will need to be supported like things will shift right?
And so this is exactly where when couples feel this they begin to detach Instead of speaking up and what I want to offer you today is that don't become detached in this moment Speak up and understand that it is normal but what is not good for your relationship is to just allow it to continue to happen without speaking up at all with how you feel.
You understand? And so a lot of couples that reach this stage of feeling like their partner is a roommate, they give up. They quit. They just think to themselves like, well, I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. Like this is horrible. I've tried talking about it and it just doesn't work.
Yada, yada, yada. They don't understand me. They don't know what I want. Um, they're not willing to understand me. And they just give such a long laundry list of how this is not going to work. And I what I want to do is walk you through exactly because this makes me think of a client And let's call her maria because all of my clients remain private unless they're okay with their name Um being shared and so I was working with this client maria Maria was in her 40s Had been with her husband for over a decade.
I'm gonna say 15 years They had two beautiful young children and they, um, he worked nights and she worked during the day. And so they would, I believe, go to sleep together around, you know, whatever time, but then he would get up around. 11 or midnight leave and come back early in the morning and then she would, you know, go to work.
And so when we started working together, she felt so disconnected from her husband. Like, she was just like, Things aren't the same. I married him because he was my best friend. And now with this new job, he just like has a different work schedule and the intimacy isn't there as much anymore. I kind of feel like it's all on me to carry the weight of the household.
He now has like a really bad memory. Um, it doesn't seem like he's even happy with his position. Like, yeah, he's making a certain amount of money, but like, what good is that money if. He's not happy because if he comes home grumpy, then it affects me, right? And so as we were working together, I said, Maria.
Listen, first of all, what we're going to do, and this is what I do with all my clients, but specifically with Maria, we spend the first month doing a lot of the grounding, a lot of the word vomiting, a lot of the let it out. What is it that you, what is it that is going on with you? And let's clarify what it is that you want because in Maria's situation, right?
Her husband working that night shift is not a surprise. It was an agreement that they both made together, but it came with some consequences. It came with some things that she didn't like. And instead of trying to solve for the things that she didn't like, she looked at her husband as, uh, the place to blame.
She looked at her partner as like, well, it must be, you know, um, His problem or it must be him that's bringing all this negative energy. So like he must have to solve it. Right. And then she was sort of remained stuck in her resentment. And so when we spent that first month really doing a lot of the grounding work, I really brought to her attention that this was a mutual decision that they decided to do and possibly are now figuring out.
That it isn't in the best interest of their family dynamic and more so in the best interest of their actual relationship to have his dynamic. But if it is temporary, then where can they both step up? She stepping up to understand that this is just temporary and him stepping up in the sense of making sure that he is still very much committed to the household.
And the relationship without having to say all the time, well, I have this job and it's super hard and it's taking so much of me so I can just free my hands of everything else. Right? And so with Maria, we spent that first month of her feeling like her husband was her roommate, really grounding her in bringing clarity to how they got there.
And then working through what she actually wanted, because up to this point, the way that Maria was communicating with her husband was full of anger, was full of sleepless nights, was full of resentfulness, right? And so every single time she tried to communicate with him, Guess what would happen? They would argue.
Because in the way that she would communicate with him, he couldn't really understand that it all boiled down to one thing. And this is exactly what you feel right now if you and your spouse are feeling like roommates. I'll tell it to you. It is so easy and it happened to Maria and it's happened to many of my clients that I've coached through in my private one-on-one coaching program.
She missed her husband. That's it. That's it. When your partner starts to become your roommate the reason Why you have all of these feelings of loneliness Lacking empathy resentfulness feeling misunderstood feeling not supported it all boils down to one thing you still miss your partner. And this is where most couples go left and quit as opposed to leaning into the vulnerability of missing someone.
Because at the end of the day, it is super vulnerable to be in your thirties, in your forties, in your fifties, and have to admit. that you miss your spouse. It is one of the most vulnerable. It is one of the most vulnerable things to share that you miss your partner, especially when you go to sleep at night with them right by your side.
It is super vulnerable because like the reason why it's super vulnerable is simply because logically, how can you miss somebody that's there? But emotionally, you do miss them, right? You're talking more about, less about the physical and more about the emotional. And so, with Maria, we spent the first month really grounding her and trying to figure out what it is that was happening inside of her, what it is that she actually wanted, and what it is that she wanted her relationship to look like.
We also, also in grounding, her uncovered a lot of past traumas, unresolved traumas that had occurred in her first marriage that was coming up in this relationship and you don't need to be. Previously married in order for things to come up in your current marriage. Okay, you could have dated somebody You could have been in a long-term relationship.
You could have been ghosted those things still come up in your current relationship Okay, and so what we did was during that grounding period we took everything that we gathered and then I taught Maria how to communicate with her partner in a way That made him feel safe in a way That made her feel understood because at this point they were communicating in circles is one thing to communicate with your partner is another thing to communicate and have them actually comprehend you when your partner begins to comprehend you.
The needle in your relationship begins to move. And so in this second month, Marie and I really worked through how to communicate to him what it is that she was feeling without all of the resentment, without all of the anger and giving him a space to be able to also respond, which was what we worked on the third stage of our coaching together.
which is responding to his responses. Cause the reality is that you have been holding onto a lot this entire time, right? And so now you go, you create the safe space. You tell your husband, you tell, tell him all this stuff. And now he gives his opinion. He gives his side on how he feels and what I do with my clients and what I did with Maria is I coached her through how to then respond to her husband when he responded to her about he, about how he felt, you understand, and through that time.
They just started to learn each other and they realized like, dang, like we really are a fun couple. Listen, by the end of our time working together, and I'm still very much in touch with Maria, her and her husband, let me tell you what has happened. Not only have her and her husband gone on multiple extended date nights and weekend adventures without the kids, and they've gotten on flights and gone to parties, because let me tell you one thing.
They had forgotten that they both love to party and through our time together. They discovered that that's what was missing that they felt like they were both having individual parties without each other, right? Cause he actually admitted that he missed her too. But the most beautiful thing that happened is that I believe about a month after she was off boarded and you know, we did all this work together.
Her husband realized that the job and the hours that were happening were yes, bringing a lot of money, but it wasn't worth the relationship. Risking itself to no longer be together. And so what he ended up doing was creating a plan with his wife, which was like a timeline, which is to say, listen, I'm going to do the job for this amount of time.
And then I'm going to really work to be promoted to this other, you know, schedule. And a couple of months later, that's what happened. And I I've worked with Maria. This was probably maybe like a year and a half ago. And just to hear her be so happy about the fact that like, they created a plan, they really understood what they were doing, they understood each of their roles, they just understood what was happening, and with the reality of them just really missing each other, and then a couple months later, for him, you see how like, and I just want to stop right here and say, but like, do you see what happens when Your partner really comprehends where you're coming from, like, that's what moves mountains.
Instilling fear and giving ultimatums trembles mountains. It doesn't necessarily move them in the way that you desire. Fear is something that most of our parents instilled in us in order to make moves. But that same fear isn't something that I want you instilling. And your partner, your partner is your partner, not your child.
You don't need to motivate your partner with fear and ultimatums in order to get the needle to move. All you need to do is be able to communicate to them in a way that they actually comprehend you, that they actually understand that dang, like, I think I miss her and I think she misses me. And I think the real problem is this, and we can solve this together.
You understand? That's true comprehension. Because the loneliness that you feel, the lack of empathy that you feel, the misunderstood that you feel, whatever it is, is solvable. Is absolutely solvable. But can only be solved in a space that is not only safe, but where both people comprehend each other. You understand what your relationship is missing is that comprehension piece and that vulnerability to say, I miss you.
I miss you. When's the last time you told your partner? I miss you. I tell my husband all the time. I miss you. And to be honest with you, I think the best part about that, and not that I wait for it, the best part of that is when he says, I miss you too. I miss you too. I miss you too. Y'all just miss each other.
You understand? Okay. Listen, if right now you're at a period in your life where you want to say some stuff to your partner and you just don't know how to say it. It's been difficult to talk to them. Y'all have been stuck in this rut, in this cycle of just arguing and you hate it and you just want to get out of it and you're tired and you are at your wit's end.
I want to work with you. I want to work with you to ground you, to allow you a safe space to tell me everything that's happened. And allow me to work with you to figure out how to communicate what's happening and what it is that you want to your partner So that they can then tell you safely how they feel and y'all can start working on things You understand go to link in my bio book a sales call so we can talk about everything that's happened What you've tried and how I can help okay, I want to work with you over the next three months to figure out What you need, what you need to do in your relationship so that you and your partner can Decrease missing each other and increase your intimacy Okay, increase your understanding stop the arguing increase those moments of just like true partnership Okay.
Can I pray for you? Let me pray for you. Father God, I thank you so much for just the creation of marriage, the creation of two individuals being able to come together and be able to marry your love. It is not easy to be married and I thank you that you give us the privilege to do this and to wake up alongside somebody that we said I do to.
Years ago. I know how many couples right now are struggling with saying I do every day after that because they feel lonely They feel that they lack empathy and they feel like they really missed their partners father God, I ask in this moment that you would give anybody by the sound of my voice the Encouragement and motivation to talk to their partners about how they much they miss them Allow them to be vulnerable and allow them to take that risk today And for the remaining time that they have on this earth, not just with their partner, but to continue taking risks with the people and relationships around them.
And understand that vulnerability is not something that we need to hide, but more so it is the superpower that we have. That we can allow to shine. We love you so much, God, in your name we pray. Amen. Okay. I love you. I just want to thank you again for coming back. If you really enjoyed this episode, please make sure that you save it.
Share it with all of your amigos. Leave me a review on Apple Podcasts. Um, if you have questions about it, just send me a DM. I always love to read people's questions and their emails and things of that nature. I do also want to share that I will be Actually creating podcast episodes based on the questions that you asked me in the DMs.
And so if you have a question about your relationship, DM me, send me an email, put it in the comments and the reels. And I will make a podcast episode, just focus on answering questions and coaching y'all through that. Okay. And if you want me to keep your name anonymous, I will also, um, make sure to, um, you know, do that as well.
Okay. My name is Karina F Daves. I'm a relationship expert, a speaker in the podcast, this of this dope podcast relationships. You understand. Thank you so much for coming back for another week. I love you so much. And I can't wait to meet you. Okay. Ciao.
