90. Being the Breadwinner Pt 2: How To Support Your Partner’s Dreams
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your relationship and responsibilities teaching you how to stop arguing and have more sex. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
Welcome back to our brand new series “Being the Breadwinner!”. In part 2 of this series, we’ll be addressing some relationship problems that can come up when you become the breadwinner of your family. This week, we’re going to talk about how to support your partner’s dreams.
As their partner, you don’t need to understand their dream. You just need to be there for them. Being there for them is the most important thing because it will allow them to feel safe with you.
When your partner allows you into their dream and you show up for them without needing to fix anything or criticize anything, they will feel safe with you. And in turn, you will be able to have more discernment about their dreams and they will feel more supported and pushed to achieve it.
Check out this week's episode to hear more about how you can support your partner’s dream and how I help my clients find themselves again when they’re feeling lost in their partner’s dream.
Click the link to listen below and email me back with your thoughts, I want to hear from you!
If this episode resonated with you and you're ready to work with me during this season of your life, then I invite you to book a call for us to connect and chat.
During this call, you will share what is going on in your life, what you have tried so far, and I will share how I can help. I can't wait to meet you, chica.
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Episode Transcript:
Karina: Amigos! Welcome back to my podcast relationships. You understand with your host me, Karina F. Dave's. Today we are continuing our breadwinner series as this is breadwinner series, part two. Breadwinner and dreams. And today I'm going to share our testimony, continue to share our testimony regarding, um, how we got to this point in our relationship with my husband.
If you haven't heard our story of how we decided that I would become the breadwinner, Ask you to check out episode one where I share our testimony where God gave me a dream. I woke up I told my husband what he thought and we went from there and it's an amazing story. Um, That even uh, Yahoo News has written up has shared But started with business insider, which made it a very clickbaity title It's called I make four times more than my husband and he was jealous of me so The beautiful part of the article is if you actually read it and get past the title, it really gives all the glory to God and talks about how God is the head of our household.
Amen. So today we're going to talk about breadwinners and dreams. Now, if you've been following me for a long time, You know that my husband Terrence is a race car driver. And so today I want to share with you how to support your partner's dreams. When you feel like they may be expensive and they don't necessarily fit in the budget.
Or if you find yourself being the breadwinner, I can say that many of the couples that I've worked with in my private one on one coaching program, when there is somebody that there is a breadwinner, the other partner sometimes feels like they don't have authority over the money. that they have to ask to how to spend it when if there were clear money values or a clear understanding of money goals, then you could definitely decrease a lot of those feelings.
Okay. So we're going to get right into it. Breadwinner series, part two. Breadwinner and dreams. So in the beginning of our marriage, my husband has shared with me that he wanted to become a race car driver. And that was his dream. And I thought that this was the stupidest dream anybody could ever have, because why would you want to risk your life doing something so freaking dangerous?
And it was. It ended up being a dream that I had to really learn to respect because it was his dream. And I remember thinking to myself, how are you dreaming outside of the walls of a nine to five, right? Especially being an immigrant of a child of immigrants. I only know really much to dream within the walls of a nine to five and a career, not necessarily dreaming so big, like becoming a race car driver.
And so as he's tinkering with this idea, we go to a racing event together. And I watched my husband watch other men do the very thing that he wanted to do. And I remember thinking, if I love this man so much. I can't be the very person that holds him back from the very thing that he wants to do. And so how do I get on board with his dream?
And up to that point, I had thought that I really needed to understand every single aspect of his dream in order to support it. But what I want you to understand is that you do not need to understand Any of the complicated intricacies of your partner's dreams in order to support it. Support does not mean that you understand support means that you are there by your partner's side at whatever capacity that they need you to be.
You don't need to understand. The details or the intricacies or, um, things that it's their job to figure out, not yours. But at this point, it's very difficult to not become attached to understanding their dreams because of the tight niche relationship that marriage is right. Like you're one. And so you have this firm belief that you're one with everything.
everything. But what if I told you that you're just one with solving everything, that you're just one with commitment to everything, that you're just one with being the powerhouse of ideas together. That's how you are one. You understand? I veered off a little bit and I'm fighting a cold. So I apologize for that.
But I remember thinking to myself the next day that I needed to get on board with this. So what did I do? I called our life insurance company and I got my husband, uh, additional life insurance on top of what we already had with our employers. And that regulated me because I remember, and I know you're thinking like Karina, that's very dramatic.
Okay. Totally hear you, but race car driving is, is an extremely dangerous sport. And I would be lying to you if I didn't share how. Watching him, as happy as I am for him, the thought doesn't cross my mind that he might not be safe. I mean, I could cry about it, and I have cried about it. There's actually episodes where I've cried about it, where it is a very dangerous dream, physically.
And I've had to just come on board with it and us preparing for the worst makes me feel a little bit better. And that is me being the most transparent you'll ever hear me be. I mean, I've been very transparent on this podcast, but that is what works for me. And you have to do what works for you. So the following day I called her life insurance and I added insurance on him.
And I know it, again, it seems like a very risky thing to do, but it made me feel secure for him doing something so risky. And so then after we regulated that, we started talking about the expense of it. And I remember remaining calm. about just watching my husband be creative about funding this very expensive hobby.
At the time, keep in mind, I wasn't the breadwinner. We were just neck and neck with our salaries. And I think the hardest part about this decision wasn't necessarily the money. It was that I didn't know What dream I wanted to make a reality, but I was making it about the risk and about the money. But when I really sat with myself, it was that I didn't have a dream that I was working on.
And I think that that's really difficult at a really raw conversation to have with your partner and with anybody that you trust. I share that part of the story because I want you to know That as much as you think that the money part is difficult, y'all will figure it out. It is super simple to figure out.
It only takes strategy. And a hard breakup with your offense. Let me repeat that again. I want you to know that you and your partner will figure out the money part of how to support their dreams or the money part about whatever it is that you're going through, but it only takes two things to figure out the money part and showing up as a team.
And those two things are having strategy and putting your offense aside. When you begin to put your fence aside, you will start to show each other that funding this expensive hobby, paying off this expensive bill, and Is not that difficult and you will allow each other to enter each other's worlds that they call dreams, right?
I had a client that I was working with in which she, um, had been married with her husband for, uh, together with her husband for over a decade. She was the breadwinner of the household. And they had moved in to a new home. And while in the new home, the husband really had a dream of building a home theater system.
And he came to her and said, listen, like. This is what I want. I've always dreamed about this and I'm going to fund it. And I remember in several of our sessions, her sharing with me how difficult it was because she really wanted to figure out like how was he going to fund this thing, especially with her being the breadwinner, but she just let him have it.
She just let him be and it became such a living testimony that he did it. He figured out the finances. He figured out how to make it work. He figured out how to build it. And now it is a beautiful space that not only they get to share together. But they get to build community in that space, right? Have a good time, relax.
And she was able to put her offense aside her or regulate her offense. Um, and then eventually put it aside, put aside the need to have to fix this problem, this dream that her partner brought to the equation. She put the fixing aside and just let him handle it. And it is such a beautiful thing when you just allow your partner to handle it and trust in your partner that they can handle it without needing all your hands on having to fix it.
You understand when your partner allows you in to their dream and you can show up inside, right? Of that safe space with them without needing to fix anything. They will feel safe with you. You will be able to have more discernment about their dreams and they will feel more supported and pushed to achieve it.
Again, supporting your partner does not mean that you have to understand their dream. It simply requires you to just be there for them in the best way possible. Your partner has every creative cell in their body to figure out the financial part of this dream. It isn't actually something that you need to take on.
You just have to not allow your offense to take over their creativity. You understand allow them to pitch you some plans and then try it at the in the end My husband's idea was that he needed to work one night a week on making extra cash and one one One weekend so like one day whether it was Saturday Sunday working on his car My husband did that for four years four years My husband worked one late night and one weekend day for four years You After those four years, my husband became one of the fastest race car drivers in his league in the nation.
All because we came up with the right strategies and I put my offense aside. Look at the beautiful possibilities. that are possible when you don't fix or meddle in your partner's dreams, but you just support them. Amen. And it wasn't easy. I'll say that it was not easy, but we were committed to it. My husband remained a committed father, a committed husband, a committed employer.
And I was able to see how working on his dreams fueled his energy and creativity. He was able to thrive more as a man and hence strengthened also our relationship. In order for you to support your partner's dreams, even when they're expensive, I want you to understand that you just need to do these three things.
When you want to support your partner's dreams, whether you are the breadwinner or not, and you have this belief that their dreams are expensive, you need to do these very three things. One, remove your offense. Two, allow their creativity, their pitching, et cetera, whatever it is, to be accepted in a manner where they feel safe trying it out.
Knowing that there's nobody on the other side saying, I told you so, that there's nobody on the other side saying, you should have done it my way, that there's nobody on the other side saying, I knew you couldn't do that. You cannot be that person for them because if you are that person, that means that you are not their person.
That was rough. If you become that negative person in your partner's life, I'm going to tell you something again, right now, if you become that negative person for your partner, that is a clear indication that you have now become not their person.
And this is what I want to work with you on because I get it. Before I even get to the third thing. I get how your story with your partner has a lot of evidence. That allows you to show up in this way, but believe me what I tell you as a relationship expert Working with so many clients at this point It does not serve you to be that person what strengthens your relationship more is Being their ultimate cheerleader with discernment.
Not their therapist, not You know their fixer, not their Their cheerleader, their safe space. That is who God created you both to be. I have heard so many stories from my clients. I have this one client actually, that He recently retired and he built a very profitable business and he's just, you know, going and he gets a lot of negativity from his partner every single time he pitches an idea and it's really affected his self esteem.
It's really affected his ability to show up a hundred percent as the husband he wants to be. And we're not blaming the wife at all. I'm just letting you know that the effect that a negative partner can have. Okay. So one, remove your offense to allow their creativity to be accepted and try it out in a matter that makes it feel safe.
And three. Surrender your partner to figure it out. Surrender your partner to figure it out. When you surrender your partner to figure it out, they feel free. They feel good. They feel like you trust them. You want to know how trust is built by allowing your partner to figure it out. And I know what you're thinking, Karina, I allow them to figure it out, but they don't do anything with it.
Okay. Not a problem. It's exactly what we can do in my private one on one coaching program. I'll help you have the exact conversations that you need to have with your partner without making them feel like crap so that you can get the ball moving. But I'm gonna tell you one thing. The first thing that we're going to work on is the trust and belief that you have with your partner.
Cause right now, even with that mindset, you don't trust them. You don't believe in them. And I will bet money. I will bet money that your partner knows that you don't trust them. They know. They know. They know. Radical belief in them. That's the first thing that we'll work on. The second we'll work on finding you because you've lost yourself in the responsibilities of this relationship.
You don't even know what you want because you're so clouded with their journey, with their dreams. Okay. And then we're going to work on the exact communication strategies. It's going to take for you to feel secure, like you can trust and have the confidence in your partner. Go to link in my bio now or go to my website, Karina F days.
Book a call so that we can talk about everything that's happened so far what you tried and how I could help I want to help you through this. Okay. All right. Let me pray and then I'll give you the story of the day The question of the day. Okay, father God We thank you so much for the relationships that you have anointed in our lives whether they're friendships romantics jobs Whatever it is.
I thank you for them I ask that you give us discernment about the next steps to take Lord. I ask for anybody that's struggling, including me, Lord, you know, I've woken up every single day for the last two months, really struggling, uh, with heaviness on my heart. I ask that you take that, that you really just take that because we're just humans living in this world with this disease.
And I just ask that you strengthen our spirit. It allow us to clearly see what it is that you want for it from us and your day. We pray. Amen. All right, here is the question.
Ready? This was actually somebody's question and slash, uh, response to a post that I had made. I have a 17 year old that does not have his biological father in his life. And just in the past year or year and a half, he has had some major issues, behavior issues, basically being a rebellious teenager in the midst of all that him and my partner of eight years, also youngest to also father to my youngest started bumping heads because of his behavior.
Ex partner did not like how he was behaving and his attitude towards the adult and other children in the house or the influence on the younger, the younger child. It just started to become an issue between us so much so that he decided to move out and leave the relationship. He realized that he's my son and he felt that he was no longer in control and doesn't want to deal with it.
And I completely understand nobody would want to be in a house where a teenager is out of control, but yes, kids can ruin a relationship. Okay, I have an episode called should I date someone with kids if you want it send me a DM I will send it to you. This is what I gotta say about that This is exactly what I told her kids don't ruin the relationship The values and commitment that y'all had to each other is what's shaky and allows you all to blame the kids and I say that Because I am a step mom of two beautiful daughters, and I don't think that people understand the commitment that you make when you are dating someone with kids.
You are not just making a commitment to the partner and the romantic part of the person. You are making a commitment to the children and all of the stages that the children are going through. Now in this story, they have a youngest child together. I rebuke this. I don't want this to happen. But that child will also go through their teenager stages.
And so instead of saying, I don't have control over it, y'all need to work together and reevaluate your values on how you can work through this, right? As a team, as parents, no matter if the child says, well, you're not my dad. No, that is a commitment. That is a immature thing to say from children. Anyways, like it's been even said to me.
Okay. I get it. Not in a malicious way, but I understand. You're not their parent, but you did make a commitment to this relationship. And guess what? Before this relationship with this partner started, this child was there. So you made a commitment to all of it. Okay. That is my advice. And if you want the episode, should I date someone with kids where I teach you about having the correct heart posture for dating someone with kids?
Uh, DM and I'll send you the episode. Okay. If you enjoy this episode, make sure that you go to, uh, Apple iTunes or Spotify, save it, subscribe to it, share with all of your amigos, leave me a review. I want to hear from you. Send me a DM with your relationship questions. I, as I answer relationship questions at the end of all my podcast episodes, if you're interested in working with me, I want to work with you to go to link my bio and book a call so we can talk about everything that's happened and I'll share how I can help the decision is always yours.
Okay, I want to help you heal your relationship. Stop arguing and finally have some peace Oh, this is a good one. ATB grooming. Wait, do you have a barbershop ATB grooming? I think I looked at your page. Maybe I'm confusing it with somebody else, but I live in Jersey And I don't know where you're located but ATB grooming says it's hard.
It's definitely hard But we as men have to understand it's a package deal. Yes I absolutely agree. I have no idea what your real name is, but atb underscore grooming. He's absolutely right. It is a full time package deal to date someone with kids. Absolutely. I started dating my husband 12 years ago. When the girls were, uh, four, no three and five, they were babies.
Hi Liz. I love you too. They were babies and the girls are now 18 and 15. That went fast and it has been an amazing rollercoaster. And I share that because you have no idea the, the, the ups and downs Children will have teenagers will have but you have to commit to your parental values. You have to commit to how you will show up.
You have to commit dating someone with kids. And I know this is a totally different subject based on the relationship question or relationship Testimony that we just had but dating with some dating someone with kids is a commitment. Okay. Okay Listen, if you want the episode should I date someone with kids just send me a dm i'll send you the episode Um, so save you some time looking through my podcast.
Okay. I love you so much if you are loving this podcast. You know what to do. I already shared that. My name is Karina F. Daves. I'm a relationship expert, a speaker, and the host of this podcast, Relationships You Understand. I love you so much. I got to drop my kids off at school, so I'm in a rush. Okay. Ciao.
