91. Being the Breadwinner Series Pt. 3 How to Manage Stress, Energy, and Mindset During This Transition
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your relationship and responsibilities teaching you how to stop arguing and have more sex. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
Welcome back to our new series “Being the Breadwinner!” In part three of this series, we’re addressing some relationship problems that come up when you become the breadwinner of your family. This week, we talk about how to manage stress, energy, and mindset during this transition.
In this episode, I highlighted all the factors that depleted my energy when I became the breadwinner. My sister was diagnosed with cancer, my new position was incredibly demanding, and I even off-boarded all of my clients to focus on my new job and my family. Looking back now, my husband and I made conscious decisions within our relationship to make sure that I didn’t burn out. We made sure that I could still be there for my family, for my career, and for my marriage by identifying where I needed support in this new chapter of our lives.
Check out this week's episode to hear more about how getting support helped me manage my stress and energy during this time, and how I help my clients identify the support they need from their partners.
Click the link to listen below and email me back with your thoughts, I want to hear from you!
If this episode resonated with you and you're ready to work with me during this season of your life, then I invite you to book a call for us to connect and chat.
During this call, you will share what is going on in your life, what you have tried so far, and I will share how I can help. I can't wait to meet you, chica.
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Episode Transcript:
Karina: All right, amigos, welcome back to relationships. You understand my podcast hosted by me, Karina F. Dave's relationship expert and speaker. And we are continuing our series of being the breadwinner today. It is part three loss of energy. So if you've been following along this entire time, we are Well, I am, I always say we, but I am starting this series, um, of being the breadwinner where I share with you stories of how this came to fruition and the struggles that my husband and I Terrence had to overcome and how we overcame them.
And so if you're interested in hearing how we made this decision for me to become the breadwinner, go back to episode part one. Of the series today, we're going to talk about loss of energy. Okay. So here's the story as we are figuring out, we made the decision that I would become the breadwinner. Then I have the job and we figure out our money by talking about our money values.
Then it's like, we put everything to work, right? We come up with a strategy, we come up with a plan and now we're in the weeds of it. And my job required and still requires me to travel pretty often. And I think that there is a sense of luxury of traveling for work when it is extremely different than traveling for pleasure.
I have a really good friend. It's actually one of my best friends who traveled. a lot for work. And she would always tell me like just how heavy it was to the point where now like she, you know, thinks about traveling and it's difficult, right? But I never really fully understood where she was coming from till I was in the weeds of it.
And right now, um, during this period, I was losing my energy. I was traveling often. I was also at the same time building my business. So to give you a little bit of a backstory in 2022, when I started the tech position, my sister also got a, uh, bone marrow donor, and we were told that she was going to have her transplant that March or April.
And so I knew I had this new tech job. I knew that, you know, my sister was going to go through this difficult time. And so I actually made the decision to off board most of my clients in my business. So that I could focus on really getting my feet wet in My new position and really being able to be there for my family That was a very difficult decision that to be honest with you.
I got no coaching on like I didn't ask anybody for advice And I think that that's advice that i'm going to take for myself now Where like, I don't really need to get 10 people's opinions where I'm like, I can learn to trust myself. And so I off board everybody. And I think to myself, what can I do that still sets me up as an expert in my specific niche and industry.
And immediately my brain went to content, create content. And I was like, yeah, but like, you know, it's not going to look good. It's not going to look amazing. And I said to myself, you know what? God told me a long time ago to not follow the algorithm. And if I truly want to embrace not following the algorithm, that means truly serving people with my expertise and with the teachings that God has gifted me.
And so I made the very bold decision of starting to make content in my car, at the train station, in the loud streets of New York. Like I just was out there making content from anywhere at any time at six o'clock in the morning waiting for my 637 train in 20 degree weather under a parking ticket light.
Like it was intense and my goal was get the message out, serve your people. And so. It took a lot of energy to come up with content to solve people's problems and, you know, still remain true to what I wanted to do, but fundamentally the income generating part of my business. wasn't where I wanted it to be because I wanted to focus on other things.
And so I had the tech position. I had my baby sister and I had, you know, me setting myself up as an expert. And then I still had my family. Like I still had my marriage. I still had my kids. It's not like, you know, teacher conferences weren't going on or events at my kid's school weren't happening or date nights were happening.
These, all these things were still occurring. I share that part with you to really highlight the fact that it depleted my energy and Looking back now, it was like, Karina, what decisions did you and your husband make in order for you not to burn out, in order for you to have a Um healthy marriage in order for you to be there for your sister in order for you to be An amazing employee at the end of my review.
I mean year one was amazing. It was epic You know, it was bringing a lot of people back to the office. I'm actually I actually rarely share my position here, but i'm um, the, uh, regional manager of employee experience for my company in the region of the Americas, which includes about six or seven regions that I oversee.
And, um, it was not an easy thing because I was transitioning not only into a new career, but a new position, right? In tech, like I was working in higher ed for over, uh, 10 years. So this was definitely new to me, but then I also realized I could definitely use a lot of my social work skills here. Anyways, that's a whole nother podcast.
So when I think back of why Terrence and I, how did we preserve our energy and why we didn't argue during a time where I My energy was being depleted, right? We had made this conscious decision where I would become the breadwinner. We also made this decision where we figured out our money values, and now we needed to make another decision of how to preserve our energy.
And this just goes not to anybody that is the breadwinner, but this goes to anybody that has a family. And so these were the things that we did. You ready? Number one, Terrence got therapy. And that came about from, I believe this was about June when he walked into my office and he was struggling with me being the breadwinner and having a lot of thoughts coming from the male ego aspect.
And so he went back to therapy and to deal with a lot of those thoughts, figuring out that he was competing with me and was jealous of me rather than acting as my partner. And that, I think I was very grateful that his therapist could walk him through that, because I think that if. I had put myself in that position.
We probably would have argued about it and I couldn't really Understand what he was going through and there are going to be many things that you don't understand about your partner That you necessarily don't continue to have to put yourself in the position to fix them. You are not their savior God is you are not their fixer in all instances, like there is an extreme amount of resources and support systems put out there.
There are people that are waiting and willing to help you and your partner individually. It doesn't always have to be all on you. You understand? You just have to take that leap of faith and that leap of making the decision to seek out those resources and people. Okay. Second, uh, we hired a morning nanny.
So we live down the block from the macaroni sisters and they take care of our kids. They rotate. And one of them was going away to college. And we basically just offered her and pitched her a position. To take our kids to school and that helped so much. So she gets to our house around six 30, we leave around six 30.
And then, you know, she's done by eight 30, dropping everybody off at school on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and then Mondays and Fridays it's on me, which is fine. Right. That preserved my energy and it didn't, you know, it kept us from arguing because it, we knew that by six 30, we could be out the door.
Right? Which means that we wake up an hour before our kids, and then we know that we have to be out by 6. 30. We make breakfast and all the, all the things. Three, I went back to working out again. I realized that, you know, I don't work out because I like it. I work out because I like how it makes me feel.
And it really set me up to a place where I started to feel like I could sleep better. You know, truth be told, I didn't sleep as much as I would have wanted to sleep the two years that Stacey had cancer. And I'm sure you can imagine why. And, um, going back to work out was the way that I could preserve.
And even, you know, Pour into myself. The next thing we did was there were a lot of very small acts of kindness. Throughout that year and still throughout now my husband would make me dinner and bring it into my office So I would be working or on a call and you would hear and I would be like one second, please I'd be on a call like one second, please and we would like crack open the door and he would pass me a plate and a napkin and a fork and then a drink or he would come back with a drink and Or he would text me like I'm coming to the door and And then he would give me dinner and I actually have pictures of a lot of these dinners because It was such a small thing to do to make me an extra plate of whatever he was making himself and the kids That it just meant a lot to me during that period.
It meant like You still see me you still love me and you know that i'm not out here playing games, you know that i'm really really trying Um, the next thing we did was we went on a lot of date nights Right after I came back from a work trip and I think that that was very difficult for me because after a work trip All I want to do is see Be home and spend time with my family or spend time with my kids and I remember Terrence and I having a very um, several honest conversations about the fact that like You know in order for us to survive like we have to put ourselves individually first and then put our marriage first And so I remember coming back from these work trips and obviously like hugging my kids and wanting to spend time with them And I still did but we prioritize us first while I was still depleted while I was still tired it was kind of like Plugging the cord or the plug back in, right?
Like we were disconnected for some time because on a lot of these work trips, um, we didn't have a lot of, uh, time to connect or a lot of time to talk just in the evening. And I remember coming back and thinking to myself, okay, pour into yourself first. Right? So like I would either go to the, go straight to the gym or I would sleep for a little bit.
I would sleep in and then we would go on an adventure the next day or the next, um, couple of days. And that really changed the game for us because. Not only did it allow me to catch up with him and him to catch up with me, but it was such a small win for us. And I'm not talking like we went on an expensive adventure.
I'm talking about like, we would spend a hundred dollars at the shooting range and then maybe another hundred dollars eating Peruvian food or maybe 50 bucks eating Peruvian food. It's not that much, but it was worth it. Um, another thing it was so interesting is that that year, Um, that everything was happening.
Terrence actually broke his, uh, race car record three times. And I think that speaks volumes to the fact that during such a time of our lives where your energy can be so depleted, these were such small things that we did, you know, That created such a big impact. So to think that getting a morning mat, a morning nanny was a part of the formula to him beating his race car record three times in his league is insane.
Like you would never connect those. Right. Which is why I'm sharing a lot of this testimony. two other things that we did was I self coached myself a lot. For my mom guilt. I think that without getting really emotional, um, mom guilt is pretty real. And, you know, there are many moments where I'm triggered and I second guess whether or not, um, I'm a good mom.
And just because I'm not yelling doesn't necessarily mean I'm an amazing mom, right? I can't just do the things that I didn't like that my parents did, but I think that I also have to identify. Through the many things that are going to create, you know, what I call like really positive heart stamps on my kids.
And part of that, uh, part of really walking myself through my mom guilt was having a support system that I could call and say, I really feel bad about, you know, back to back trips and then I have to go on a speaking engagement, or I really feel bad about this, or to be honest with you, and I know this seems like such a small thing, but one of the things that I.
really hate is when I'm working in my office and my kids come in and I'm so excited to see them and I know I have a deadline and I have to like I don't hate the fact that I have to switch off I actually Love it. It's like a hate love relationship So my husband will hear the kids come in and he'll come in and be like, hey mommy's working We have to leave now And I hate that.
I hate, not the fact that he does that. I hate that he has to do that. Right? And I get it. Um, and so plenty of times to be honest with you, I'll be like, all right, well, what do you guys want to do? Do you guys want to draw? What would you like to do? And I'll just take five minutes. And reset with them. Um, because I think that that's, even though that's a small moment, like, I think about that a lot.
I'm like, ugh, the fact that they have to go through that. And I know it seems like, Karina, it's not that big of a deal, but, I feel that. I feel that. And, I'll say the last thing that we did was, during this period of me feeling sort of depleted, Even our energy is feeling low. Remember, I'm just focusing on me.
I'm not focusing on how much this time depleted my husband. And I'll share that with a second, uh, in a second. Uh, the second, the last thing that we did was we made fun of it. So plenty of times I would be leaving on a work trip and my husband would slap me on the ass. And he would be like, go make my money.
And it would be kind of a really dope way to break the ice. And I think plenty of times we take our relationship so seriously that we really forget to break the ice. I'm not talking about like make fun of each other's shortcomings in a way that's disrespectful. I mean, just break the ice. And I think my husband slapping my ass before I left for a work trip or a speaking engagement and saying, go make my money was such a way to break that ice.
And again, Simple things, simple things that we did, simple, small wins in our relationship during this period created such a big impact. And the last thing that I want to share is that, yeah, Terrence had his, has his own story through this period. And I would say if I had to sum it up, he went through a lot of transition with, you know, Um, uh, being able to navigate his male ego with me being the breadwinner.
He went through, um, a lot of transition with being the main parent, the main to go parent, which I was in the beginning of our, um, when TJ was born. Um, and Terrence was building his race car. I have a whole episode on that. So you can go and listen to that. And, um, I think also transitioning to his new career.
Right. So when I became, when I transitioned to tech, um, Terrence actually left his career at Nissan, um, as a master auto technician and transitioned to his job now at Princeton, working, um, in facilities as a facilities manager. So. That was a lot of transitions in one and he has his own story. Um, but again, small simple wins created such an impact.
So right now, if you're asking yourself, if you want to be able to support your partner on the really low energy days, the weeks, or even the seasons, I want you to start with the small wins. I want you to understand that small wins is equals that big impact. And I want you to ask yourselves the question of how can we support each other in the ways that y'all want to be supported?
So if you're asking your spouse this question, ask it in the way of like, how can I support you in the way that you want to be supported? Not in the way that I'm telling myself in my mind, that it's best to support you. Two, what are tangible things that you need? Right. So for me, it was obviously food.
Like my husband knows that the key to my heart is my stomach. Well, actually the key to whatever it is, you know what I mean? That food is like amazing. What are tangible things that you physically need? And three, what are. Intangible things that you emotionally need, right? Do you need me to tell you, you know, that you're doing a great job, babe?
Do you need me to reassure you that I still love you? Do you need, you know, me to remind you to do something for yourself because I'm watching you just pour into all these areas? So for me, it was my husband telling me like, Girl, you don't have a hobby. And I was like, what? And he's like, you have the business, you have work, you have everything going on, you have your friends, but you don't have a hobby.
You need a hobby. And I was like, Um, and then last, what services or what resources can you and your partner pour into that you can get in order to decrease your anxiety or your mom guilt? You understand like for me, it was definitely my mom guilt. Having support from your partner really begins from feeling seen when you are starting to feel down about things like being the breadwinner or whatever transition that you and your partner are going through and your energy is being depleted or your energy is low.
You need to be able to communicate that and then quickly solve Your partner is not Miss Cleo and is not going to be able to tell the difference between a hard day at work and you feeling depleted and wanting to throw in the towel. You understand? Those are two completely different energies. One is close to burnout and one is just, I had a tough day.
And you, y'all need to be able to communicate that to each other in a safe way and then come up with what works for you. Things you can do to solve that based on your values, which is why I always say, talking about your values is key. Your values in your marriage lead all of your decisions. They are the root of all your decisions.
When Terrence and I don't know where to turn about what to do, we go back to our value system in our faith that is grounded in the cornerstone of Jesus and God. Do you understand? When we are looking at ourselves and we're like, well, we don't know what to do. We're like, well, what would God do? What would God want us to do?
And we go back to our cornerstone of faith when we think about money and we have to analyze like what we're doing. We're like, Dan, like we're not good stewards of money. Even that language, good stewards of our money is grounded back into our faith and our values in God. Faith. You understand when you and your partner are trying to make difficult decisions, you need to go back to your values.
And if you don't know what to do, it means that you need to talk about your values and create a safe space to build your values. This game of life, this thing called marriage is not just about communication. It's not just about getting married and having children. It's not just about buying homes. It's not just about having a 401k and an emergency.
savings plan. It's not just about people and in laws getting along. It's not just about moving up in the career or retiring from a career and starting a new one. It's not just about going to therapy or having. You know, resources are out there. This marriage life is not just about doing things. It's about being who you, who you feel God is calling you to be and being anchored into the values and the value system that you and your partner are building.
You understand it's more than doing. It's fundamentally about being and being is very much rooted in your values. So if you right now are very much lost in your marriage, I challenge you to ask yourself, do we have values or have we just been doing things? Are we just doing things or do we know who we are?
Do we know who we want to be? As people do, we know what we're doing here. Plenty of times marriages, they fall apart. They don't know what they're doing because there is no values. There are no values. There's no plan for the values. Y'all have more plans about the wedding, more plans about the money, more plans about the kids than you do about who you're becoming.
Do you understand me? Marriage is a very serious decision. This ain't no easy game. This ain't no checklist. We can do this. And then we hire this and then we book this and then we do that. And then we go to this appointment and then we save 10 K and that ain't marriage. That's what the world deems to be marriage.
You need to go back to your partner and ask yourselves, what are we doing here? Who are we becoming here? What, what did we set out to do? And if God is in the picture like it is in my marriage, you need to ask yourself, God, what do you want for us? I know that you want us to be anchored in you, but who are we becoming?
Who should we serve? What communities should we be mentors to? What did you call us to do? Besides have these fancy cars and fancy houses and fancy things. What else are we trying to do here and put our kids in fancy schools? What else are we trying to do here? Why did you put Terrence and I together?
Fundamentally, if you were to interview me right now and ask me, why did Terrence and Karina get together? I've asked myself and God that question multiple times. Every single time I want to leave his ass. Cause that's the truth to be told. Okay. Truth be told, there are going to be days that you don't know if you want to be with your partner.
You understand on the days that I'm asking myself or telling myself, I don't know if I want to be with him. I go back to my values and I ask God, what are you doing here? And it's very clear to me that God put Terrence and I together to break generational patterns in our family, to break the pattern of divorce, to break the pattern Of lost children, abused children to start something fresh and to start something new, but fundamentally, I know that God put Terrence and I together to restructure the value of love that has been passed down in a way that God didn't mean for it to be passed down in our family, he put us together to redefine love God's way, and then spread that movement.
To everything that we see. Do you know that my husband texted me yesterday to tell me that somebody nominated him for an award at Princeton University because he made somebody smile just because he made somebody smile on campus. He's getting an award. For me, the award is amazing. But for me, it means that our value system tied fundamentally in the love of God was spread on Princeton University's campus in such a way that it impacted somebody's life that they thought to themselves, I need to say thank you and the way that they say thank you is by giving him this award.
That is spreading our movement. That is the purpose of our relationship. Do you know the purpose of your relationship outside what the world is telling you to do? Outside what the world is telling you to book? Outside what the world is telling Trying to tell you what money to make. Do you know the purpose of your relationship?
Are you just getting in bed every single night saying, good night? I love you. Good morning. I love you. Let's just get these kids to school. Let's just make this money and go to work. Do you just got a list of goals or do you know fundamentally what your purpose is for your relationship? If you don't got a purpose, you need to ask yourselves, what are we doing here?
Do you understand me? That was a lot. That was a lot to get through. And, uh, I just want to recognize that, um, that was not me. That was definitely the Holy Spirit. And I thank you, God, for, uh, allowing me to share that message. If you're still on here and if you just hold, heard that entire rant, I hope that it blessed you.
I hope that you know that God is just trying to use me as his conduit to give you that message. Do you understand me? And if right now you don't understand what you're doing in your relationship. I want to work with you. I want to help you in this season of your life, figure out what it is that you want for your life and what it is that you feel like God is calling you to do in this relationship and overcome the number one issue in your relationship.
This is important. This work is important and I get it. I get that going to work is important. I get that getting the kids to school is important, but this work right here, fundamentally, Is important. And I want to be your life coach through this season. Do you understand? Go to link in my bio and book a call with me or send me a DM and I'll send you the link so that we can chat.
We can talk about everything that's happened so far, what you tried and how I can help. And, um, I'm sorry. I took you to church. Actually. I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry. I'm thankful that we went to church for those last five minutes. Okay. My name's Karina F days. I'm a relationship expert and I help you overcome the number one conflict in your relationship in 90 days.
And I can't wait to do this work with you. We don't have time to talk about, cause I got to take my kids to school to talk about a question that somebody had. So I'm going to leave it for the next call. Okay. I love you. If you've enjoyed this podcast, make sure that you subscribe to it. Okay. Make sure you subscribe to it.
Share it with all of your amigos and you follow the podcast. I love you so much. And, um, stay blessed. Bye
