93. The Cheating Series Pt. 1: The Discovery
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your relationship and responsibilities teaching you how to stop arguing and have more sex. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
Welcome to our newest podcast series - The Cheating Series. In this 4 part series, I will walk you through the 4 different stages of being cheated on and how to navigate this very hurtful and personal event.
We all have an innate fear of being cheated on, especially if we’ve walked down the aisle and agreed to spend the rest of our lives with this person.
In Part 1 of The Cheating Series, we’re going to talk about “The Discovery”.
In the discovery stage, you will be caught off guard and need to collect information so that you can make the best decisions for yourself.
Check out this week's episode to hear more about how to approach the discovery phase without losing your cool and how I help my clients regulate their emotions during this very difficult time.
Click the link to listen below and email me back with your thoughts, I want to hear from you!
If this episode resonated with you and you're ready to work with me during this season of your life, then I invite you to book a call for us to connect and chat.
During this call, you will share what is going on in your life, what you have tried so far, and I will share how I can help. I can't wait to meet you, chica.
P.S. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp®. Get professional support when you need it, at a fraction of the cost of in-person therapy. Sign up today and receive 10% off your first month! Click the link to get started!
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Episode Transcript:
Karina: Amigos. Welcome back to relationships. You understand with me, your host, Karina F. Dave's relationship expert. Speaker and podcast host of this dope podcast. Today, we're going to start a podcast series called The Cheating Series. And today's part one called the discovery. Now I may seem a little bit trippy or a little bit uncomfortable, and it's not that it's simply that.
Cheating is a topic that is extremely heavy to talk about. And I want you to know that I recognize that. And I recognize how difficult and triggering and tricky. all right, the cheating series, part one, here we go. Part one is the discovery. Now this is. What I think is one of the most vital parts.
I'm going to take you through a four part series. We're going to start with the discovery. Then part two will be the decision. Then part three will be the deconstruction and then part four will be the dedication. Okay. That is my four part series on cheating. So, um, number one, I want you to understand that we all have an innate fear of being cheated on, especially, um, being cheated on, uh, by somebody that we decide to spend the rest of our lives with.
Uh, it is just different being cheated on, um, with somebody that you may have been in a relationship with for a couple of months versus somebody that you said, I do forever, even versus somebody that like you decided to have kids with and grow with a family, right? A long term relationship is much different.
Okay, so I want you to know that, um, cheating is extremely personal and we all have this just innate fear of it happening and how do we navigate that, right? Which is like usually trust. We decide to trust this person. Um, now many of my clients have actually discovered that their partners were cheating on them through various ways, right?
Like how do you, how do you even find out that your partner is cheating on you? I had a client. That actually their therapist told him that his wife was cheating on him. Um, I guess he had been in, uh, therapy for some time and they had had individual sessions. And now, I mean, it probably wasn't the therapist's place to share this with my client, but I think, um, he ended up coming back as a solo client and then she just didn't want to do therapy anymore because I think they were getting closer to the discovery.
And so the. Uh, therapist decided to share that I had a client that had come to me, which I'll elaborate on her story later on. She had come to me during a period where she felt like her partner was distant and she really didn't know what was going on. And in just two weeks of working together, I helped her navigate a very difficult conversation that led to the discovery of her husband cheating on her.
He felt comfortable enough. I've had, uh, clients discover that their partners were cheating on them through iMessages and iPads being synced and all that other stuff, right? There's definitely different ways that you can discover, um, that your partner is cheating on you. When you discover that your partner has cheated on you, however it is that you discover it, I want you to, and this is going to be very difficult for you to hear, but hear me out.
I need you to remain these three things. As much as possible, I need you to remain calm. I need you to remain neutral, and I need you to remain focused. Let me repeat that. When you discover that your partner has stepped out on your relationship, has cheated on you, I need you to remain calm, neutral, and focused.
This is the discovery phase where you are trying to collect. information in order to then make a decision. It is going to feel super gut wrenching to hear this news. And I hear that it is going to be extremely difficult to remain calm, extremely difficult to remain neutral and extremely difficult to remain focused.
But these three things will help you collect and The information that you need in order to make the best decision that you can make for your life and potentially for this relationship. If you decide to remain in it, you cannot be frantic in the discovery phase and then expect to make a clear decision when you are frantic in the discovery phase, you will not collect information that you need.
In a sober way. Okay. This is exactly what I help my one on one clients do is to regulate their emotions during the discovery phase. When you decide to remain calm, neutral, and focus, you are going to have a lot of questions. You are going to want to know all of the details from the timeline of events to the reasoning to back to the timeline of events.
But In the discovery moment, moment, let me just be clear, moment, because you may turn this moment into like 70 moments. You may then decide to be with this person and then have 70 more moments. Okay, which is what I don't want for you in the discovery moment. I want you to simply ask questions that are necessary and in alignment with you making a decision.
The person that I need you to think about. In the discovery moment, ain't your kids, the person that I need you to think about, or the thing that I need you to think about in the moment, isn't even your partner. The only person I need you to think about in this discovery phase is you, which is why I need you to remain.
What focused, calm and neutral and ask questions that are only necessary for you to make a decision. And let me just stop here and say. I understand and your feelings are super valid. Your frantic feelings, your, you know, I can't believe this is happening. How did this happen? When did this happen? Why did this happen?
All of those feelings are going to come up. I need you to neutralize them because. I need you to think about future you. I need you to think about you in this moment, not them. I'm not asking you to remain calm, neutral, and focused for your partner. I'm asking you to remain calm, neutral, and focused for you.
And so in this moment, I simply want you to ask questions that are necessary for you to make a decision. Okay. And here's a list of them. One is, Hey, I just, I know this is kind of weird, but, um, I need you to, I need you to ask this question in a way of, is this false or true? So whatever it is that you discovered.
So for example, I, uh, was working with a client, um, and you know, things just weren't aligned in her marriage. Right. And so she brought it up to her husband in a very like, just calm, neutral and focused way. And she was like, listen, like something's off. And. It just doesn't seem like something's right. This is what I discovered.
Is it true or, you know, could I be wrong? Right. Is it false or is it true? Her husband at that point felt safe enough because she was neutral focused and calm to share with her. Yeah. Like, honestly, like that's what's happening because he looked at her and was like, dang, for the first time she's actually calm.
This is important. Okay. You need to know if it's true or not, whatever it is that you discover, you might've seen it, you might've read it, whatever it is, right? Number two, one of the things that's going to be important for you to make your decision is the timeline. And I simply want you to ask this in this way, when did it happen?
And was it a one off thing or did it happen repeatedly? That's it. That's all you need to know. is when did it happen? Notice how we still are not asking the question why you see how we're collecting information. This is for future you to make a decision. Okay. The next is I want you to ask their intentions.
Okay. Is this something that you want to, like, is this somebody that you want to be with and continue doing like, you know, uh, what is it that, you know, excuse me, hold on, let me backtrack. It's a simple question. Is this something that you would like to continue? That's it. It's very simple. Is this something that you would like to continue?
And your partner may in that moment choke up and say, I'm not sure take that. I do not want you in this moment as much as you're going to want to ask this question. I do not want you to ask the question of why did you do it?
Because when somebody initially gets discovered that they were cheating, they are not in a place to pour out their reasoning. They have not processed it themselves. Their reasoning is only going to come from a place of fear, trying to please you, wanting to sugarcoat it. Instead, I just want you to ask the question of, do you still want to work on this relationship?
Let me, let me just be clear about this question. You are asking this question to hear their answer, not necessarily for you to decide in that moment. Okay. So when you ask the question, do you still want to be in this relationship? This is an important answer for you to have, or do you still want to work on this relationship?
Even if it's not something that you want to do, you will need that answer as you make your decision. Even if you decide to not be in this relationship anymore, it's important always for you to understand where their mind is at. That is the positioning that I want for you when you are asking these questions in the discovery phase of the cheating.
Do you understand me? This is a very sensitive time, topic. It's just a very sensitive moment in a relationship to go through. Okay? Again, I need you to ask the question of, Did this happen? When did it happen? Was it frequent or a one time thing? Is this something that you would like to continue doing? And again, I don't want you to ask the question, Why yet?
It's I want you to simply stay focused, neutral, and calm, collecting the information in the discovery phase in order for you to make a decision. The last thing that I want you to say in this moment is announcing that you just need some time and space.
Again, you are just collecting details and information on the incidents that have occurred that you've discovered. That's it. If you don't collect that information, you will spiral and go down a rabbit hole. Okay. When I was working with my client that, um, when, when we started working together again, she felt like her husband was pretty standoffish and she felt like something was off and she didn't really have a lot of evidence, but she had a lot of gut intuition that something was just off.
So I helped her create a safe space, which is interestingly interesting. Cause I know what you're thinking. I don't want to create a safe space for this cheater. I get it. I get it. But in order for you to get the information that you want. From this person that you feel like betrayed you, you're going to have to remain calm, neutral, and focus, and create the safe space for them to be able to give you the information that you need in order to make the next biggest life decision in your life.
Okay. Not only that, but you need to be able to practice talking to somebody that you ain't feeling right now. Okay. I'm not asking you to have a two hour conversation. I'm simply walking you through the discovery phase and what questions you need to be putting in place in order to make the best decision for you, not for them, not for the kids, not for, you know, your assets and all of that make the best decision for you.
In this moment. Okay. Um, there is a way for you to be able to remain calm, neutral, and focused in this phase of the discovery. Um, but you're also going to need my help through it. Okay. And this is what I want to say. You can listen to all my podcast episodes. There are so many life changing gems. There are so many things in here that people have DM me that help them.
However, you can listen to my podcast episodes and watch my reels all day, but you are not going to see the change in your relationship because you are not doing the work. You need to work with me so that you can be able to get the steps and exercises to be able to have, um, not just the relationship of your dreams in the future, but to be able to navigate this very difficult season.
Okay, getting cheated on because that's the reality of what it is, is Something that nobody wants to happen to them, but I promise you my private one on one coaching program. I have coached several of my clients through my frameworks of how to navigate infidelity, how to, how to rebuild trust, how to decide whether or not you want to be with this person.
I've had clients that decided to stay with their partner and I have clients that don't decide to stay with their partner and make the decision, which is actually part two. Okay. Listen, if this episode, if this episode resonated with you, I want to work with you through this season. Okay. This is a very difficult season.
I want you to have me in your back pocket to be able to go through the moments where you don't know if you made the right decision. To go through the moments where your partner has changed their minds and you felt confident in your decision. I want to help you navigate the moments where you decided to stay and you don't know if that's the right call.
I want to help you through every single one of those moments by being in your back pocket in my private one on one coaching program. Okay. Go to link my bio and book a sales call so we can talk about everything that's happened so far, what you tried and how I can help. All right. I hope that I helped you.
You understand how heavy I know that cheating is, but my intention through this series is to help you navigate through each of these phases of cheating in your relationship and how to overcome the issues, the feelings and the objections that are going to come up for you. Um, and it's just like very sensitive and icky time.
All right. Okay. Listen, let me pray for you. Um, and then I got to go drop my kids off. Father God, I thank you for this day. I thank you for the liberty that you allow us to wake up and be together. I thank you that, um, you give us. So much hope, even though it's difficult to utilize that hope on a daily basis when we feel like the odds are against us, Lord.
Um, I think that those of us that have felt betrayed, lied to, or cheated on in our relationship, It's very difficult to forgive and overcome that, and it's also really difficult to not bring that into our next relationship, um, and start to see people as, uh, jaded or start to see people as, um, start to like see, think that everybody is that way.
And so Lord, I ask that you cleanse our hearts. I ask that you purify us and not allow the things that happen to us to become the way that we view the world, allow us to just continue seeing the world every single day, the way that you do. I love you so much, Lord. Thank you for protecting us. Thank you for loving us.
And thank you for taking care of our beautiful children, their schools and our household may no weapon that the enemy forms ever prosper against us. We love you so much in your name. We pray. Amen. Okay, if you love this episode or you love this podcast, make sure that you follow it, share with all of your amigos and, uh, leave me a review.
Also, if you have not signed up for my newsletter yet, which is my email series, you can go to my website or go to the link of my bio on Instagram, where I primarily live or on Tik TOK and make sure that you drop your email and follow my newsletter called release your relationship where I. Drop weekly gems on how to surrender your partner and how to have a more thriving relationship.
Okay. I love you so much. My name is Karina F Daves I'm a relationship expert, a speaker and podcast host of this dope podcast relationships. You understand? Okay. I love you so much. Bye.
