94. The Cheating Series Pt. 2: The Decision

Meet the Host

Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.

Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your relationship and responsibilities teaching you how to stop arguing and have more sex. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.

Welcome to our newest podcast series - The Cheating Series. In this 4 part series, I will walk you through the 4 different stages of being cheated on and how to navigate this very hurtful and personal event. 

In Part 2 of The Cheating Series, we’re talking about “The Decision”. 

In the decision stage, you will be completely overwhelmed with information, but, all that information is necessary in order to make the best decision for your life.

Check out this week’s episode to find out how I coach my clients through these difficult decision-making factors. 

Click the link to listen below and email me back with your thoughts, I want to hear from you!

If this episode resonated with you and you're ready to work with me during this season of your life, then I invite you to book a call for us to connect and chat.

During this call, you will share what is going on in your life, what you have tried so far, and I will share how I can help. I can't wait to meet you, chica.

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Episode Transcript:  

Karina: Amigos, como estan? Welcome back to the Relationships You Understand podcast hosted by me, Karina F. Daves, relationship expert and speaker. Today, we're going to continue our series called The Cheating Series Part Two. Last week, we discussed the discovery and today we're discussing the decision. Now, again, I just want to, um, Let y'all know for those of you that are listening in this series is not been an easy one to record because after, after working with so many of my clients and knowing, uh, how difficult cheating can be, I want you to understand that I understand how personal cheating is, um, and.

You know, I'm here to help you navigate it. Okay. So today we're going to talk about the decision. My kids are still asleep and usually, I record this when it's time to take them to school and when they're awake. So let's try this. My episodes are super quick. They're usually under 30 minutes. I get right to the point.

Um, and Yeah, let's get into it. If you haven't listened to last week, I would really suggest you go start there with part one, which is the discovery and figuring out that your partner has cheated on you. This series is meant to help you navigate through this very personal stage. Okay. If you have any questions, put them in the chat or send me a DM.

Okay. Here we go again. Cheating is a very personal thing. Uh, that happens that many of us really feel like it happens to us. Some even say it happens for us. All right. For you to be able to, um, see the many things that. Are needing to be exposed in your relationship. That's one reason that it happens for us.

Another one can be that it happens for you to be able to begin making decisions that serve you. Another is for you to be able to start practicing how to choose yourself and what's best for you. In this episode specifically though, we're going to talk about the decision to leave or stay. That is usually the biggest question that people ask when they find out that their partner has stepped out on them is, what do I do?

Do I stay and work this out or do I leave? Now, I've worked with several clients that had been cheated on. Some were married for 15 years. Some had been married for five, some weren't even married. Some were in long-term relationships for four or five years. Some were in on-and-off relationships for, with this one person that cheated on them for 10 years.

And I'm thinking about a particular client in which she was in an on-and-off relationship with her significant other. And he had cheated on her, not just once. Not once, not twice, not three times, but four times had cheated on her. And so I want you to understand that making the decision to leave or stay will be difficult.

And in order to really, as a relationship expert, walk you through. Why it's so hard to make this decision. I want you to really understand the top four reasons why it's so hard to make a decision to leave or stay when you find out your partner has cheated on you. Number one, it's the fantasy, right?

When you find out that your partner has stepped out on you, it tears up the fantasy of what you thought you had. It tears up the fantasy of what you imagined your future to be. It tears up the fantasy of the image that you had of your partner, of even the potential that you saw in your partner. Many of us are very married, including me, to the fantasies of our relationship.

And we work so hard every single day to try to make that fantasy, that dream. A reality, right? And so what cheating does is that it tears down the fantasy that you have, and it makes it so difficult for you to decide whether to leave or stay. Okay. That's why you're having this difficult time. The second reason why you have a difficult time deciding whether to leave or stay is at what I call M& Ms, right?

Money, mortgage, and minors. Even if you don't pay a mortgage, just ride with me here. Okay. Money, mortgage, and minors are your stability. It's your routine. It's your known, it's, you know, you have to pay this bill. You know that you have these kids, you know that you have this much in your money and your account.

It is your routine. And even if y'all have an extreme amount of debt together, whatever your financial situation is, there is an established routine for your mat, for your marriage that you know will be impacted, that there will be a shift in if you decide to leave, right? Same goes for your rent or for your mortgage, whatever it is.

And then your minors, there's a routine for your minors that you do not want to look at. shift. You want them, your children, to have a stable sort of routine that you and your partner has spent a significant amount of time building. And so why it's so difficult after your partner has cheated on you, to decide whether to leave or stay is simply because of your M and M's, your mortgage, your minors and your money, and how much these things have a certain routine that you don't want to rock their worlds.

You understand? The third reason why it's so difficult for you to make a decision is your reputation. Now many people aren't necessarily concerned about what other people think. But they're actually more concerned about what they think about themselves. When I say reputation, I mean an internal reputation where you're concerned about how you will retell this story one day, and you want to make sure that you made the right call.

Quote unquote, the right call. You want to make sure that you made the right decision. You don't want to look back on yourself and say, dang, I didn't give it my best shot. You don't want to go back when you retell the story over a brunch to a close friend and stop and look at yourself and say, dang, maybe I should have done this.

Or dang, maybe I didn't move fast enough. Or dang, maybe I moved too fast. You are concerned with your internal reputation, not necessarily what other people think about you and whether or not you should leave or stay after finding out that your partner cheated on you. You are more concerned about your internal reputation and how this story is playing out.

Keep in mind, the struggle that you're having right now is that this Story is playing out live. The story is playing out in a live recording for you to look at and see. And the tug that you're having is making sure that it creates a story that you will be proud of, that it creates a reputation that you will then look back and say, I did the right thing.

That's what you're concerned about. That's why it's so hard to decide whether to leave or stay. Okay. And the last reason why it's so hard for you to decide whether to leave or stay is the ultimate mind F is the battle between your logical brain and the battle between your heart. It is going to be in a constant battle.

tug. Okay. A constant battle. The logical is the evidence that you have about what your partner did, the evidence that you have about how they feel. And then the logical brain is trying to figure out where do I fall in line with that? What do I think about that? What do I think about the fact that they, you know, are telling me this is a one-time thing.

What do I think about the fact that they had an affair for months? What do I think about the fact that, You know, um, they're telling me that they want to work through this, that they're going to end things, that things are still happening. What do I think about the fact that I've seen text messages in which my partner is profoundly confessing their love to somebody that is not me?

What do I think about that? Right? That is your logical brain having a battle between, excuse me. Yeah. That is your emotional brain having a battle between with the logical side, with the evidence, right? That is the tug that you are having because you are trying to decide whether to leave or stay. So after all of these difficulties that I presented, which I want you to understand how necessary it is to fundamentally understand the why you are going through this, you are going to have to make a decision in which you are constantly thinking about these things.

You will need to coach yourself through this constant cycle of the logical brain and the emotional brain, the m and ms, the rep, the internal reputation. all of those factors, you will have to coach yourself through that, right? Now here's also the kicker, and I don't know if you know this, but many studies show specifically the Infidelity Institute, right?

You can actually Google that, it exists. These are people who study the psychology of cheating. They say that on average, it takes anywhere between six months to two years. To get through this with an average of 18 months, which means that everything that I just described to you, right? The, the, the tearing down of the fantasies, the money, the mortgage, and the minors, the internal reputation, the mind that you're going to go back with your logical brain and your emotional brain studies show that you will go through this cycle of thinking cycle of having to coach yourself of getting through this cheating period for about two years.

An average of 18 months, that is a long time to have to go through that. So while you are deciding whether to leave or stay, I want you to ask yourself, am I willing first to put myself through this for two years, potentially two years with an average of 18 months? How will I show up daily to my relationship if I decide to stay?

knowing that I'm going to go through this cycle for about two years. If I decide to stay, is that the best decision for me right now? Notice I said, for me right now, I didn't say for the kids, I didn't say for my money. I said for me right now. And last, I want you to ask yourself, do I see myself rebuilding trust with my kids?

with my partner or is that ultimately gone? Do I see myself waking up every single day for the next two years in an attempt to rebuild this trust? Do I have the capacity to put in the work for this relationship knowing that it's going to put me through this cycle of thinking this cycle of internal conflict, the cycle of needing to accept where I'm at?

needing to self coach myself through the things that I may be triggered with? Am I okay doing this for potentially the next two years? That's the real question I want you to ask yourself, knowing how much work it takes to get through infidelity and for it potentially going to take two years. Are you okay doing that?

Do you have it in you to do that? That's the most important question for you to ask yourself, not listing the evidence for You know,, and replaying the evidence. Many times I've seen couples that I've worked with, they'll replay the evidence and the facts for years, for years. They'll dissect it without even processing their emotions.

Cheating is an extremely personal thing. And I want you to understand that when you decide, and if you decide to stay, it's going to be a while of you having to navigate this. Navigating through this isn't going to be easy, but it's exactly what I want to help you through. Okay. I've worked with dozens of clients that have gone through this very personal incident in their long-term relationships, in their marriage, and having me in their back pocket was the very thing that they needed in order to make the decision.

In order to deliver the decision and in order to rebuild their lives in terms of their mindset, their confidence, and even their faith. Again, cheating is a very personal thing, and I want to be able to do this work with you. You can sit here and listen to my frameworks, listen to how to self coach yourself, Watch my reels, read my emails, which you should, by the way.

If you aren't subscribed to my emails, please go to the link of my bio and subscribe to my email newsletter, Release Your Relationship, where I walk you through weekly relationship gems on how to surrender your partner. You can do all of that, right? But there is something about doing the work that requires me to do it with you.

It is a very different experience. And if you don't, it will, it will help. The podcast episodes will help. The emails will help. They will give you epiphanies. They will give you change, but having me in your bad pocket is a very different thing. So if this resonates with you, I want you to go to the link in my bio.

I primarily live on Instagram or go to my website, KarinaFDaves. com with an F and I want you to book a sales call so you can work with me. I want to help you be able to navigate. Um, a difficult season in your relationship to come up with what you feel like, um, is necessary for you to leave or to stay.

I'm going to help you make that decision. Okay. I'm going to make you make that decision, not just for what's best for you, but your circumstance, whether you have children, your financial makeup, we're going to walk you through all of that. You understand? Okay. I hope this episode resonated with you. If it did, go to link in my bio and book a sales call so we can talk about everything that's happened so far, what you tried and how I can help.

Okay. Listen, let me pray for you. Excuse me. Father God, thank you so much for allowing me to talk about a sensitive topic, allowing me to be able to share knowledge about the insides of something so personal, Lord. Um, cheating can feel like such a deep betrayal and I just ask that for anybody that's listening that you soften their hearts.

Not necessarily just soften their hearts for their partners, but soften their hearts for themselves and soften their hearts for the future people that you are setting up to be in their lives. romantically, not romantically, friendship-wise, whatever the case is. I ask that you soften their hearts.

Cheating can harden our hearts and make us become people that You didn't want us to become. Lord, I ask that you continue protecting our lives, our children as they go to school this week, or today, excuse me. And I ask that you infiltrate us with just so much hope and faith, even though we don't see it. I ask that you purposely slow down time.

If you are listening to me right now, I ask that you, God, slow down time for us so that we may remain in the present and clearly listen to you. Clearly listen to your voice and what you want from me. Anybody that's listening to the sound of my voice right now, slow down, slow down in Jesus name. We pray.

Amen. Okay. I hope that helped. All right. Listen, my name is Karina F. Daves. I'm a relationship expert. Podcast goes with this dope podcast relationships. You understand if you enjoyed listening to it, um, please make sure that you subscribe, share it with all of your amigos and leave me a comment in the reviews.

I love you so much and I can't wait to do this work with you. Again, this is the cheating series part two where we just went through the decision if you haven't listened to part one Uh, which is the discovery, please go back and listen to it This series is meant to help you navigate All of the feelings and thoughts that come up when you find out that your partner has stepped out side of your relationship Okay, I love you so much, and I can't wait to work with you.

All right. Bye