98. Girls Trips Saved My Marriage Pt 2: How to choose the right friends

Meet the Host

Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.

Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your relationship and responsibilities teaching you how to stop arguing and have more sex. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.

Welcome to our new podcast series - Girls Trips Saved My Marriage. In this 2 part series, I explain why girls trips with the right people are essential. I share how girls trips saved my marriage, and how to make girls trips work for you.

In Part 2, I focus on the five qualities of a good friend. These are the qualities to look for in friends to take on girls trips.

It’s time to make some decisions about the friends in your life, because you deserve the right friends.

Click the link to listen below and email me back with your thoughts, I want to hear from you!

If this episode resonated with you and you're ready to work with me during this season of your life, then I invite you to book a call for us to connect and chat.

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Episode Transcript:  

Karina: Amigos, como estan? Welcome back to my podcast, Relationships. You understand? My name is Karina F. Daves. I am a relationship expert, a speaker and the podcast host of this dope podcast, and today we're going to continue our series on girls trips saved my marriage. And so I want to just point out that if you are watching this podcast live, feel free to drop your relationship question in the question box, or you can send me a DM and I can answer your relationship question at the end of my podcast.

So in the first episode of this series, it's only two episodes, by the way, in the first episode, I talked about the why it matters, like why girls trips matters. What do they do for you, the benefits of them, and all of the above. Okay? And this episode, you really need to go back and listen to it. It was an amazing episode. 

This episode, I want to focus on your circle, and what you need to look for on the friends that you would ideally take a girls trips with. I have plenty of people ask me well, or, you know, confiding me in telling me that they don't necessarily have a good circle of friends, like they don't have what they see on, you know, Instagram or what they see, you know, other people have around them. And I think that it's important to understand that, yes, we can sit here and pray for Angels of support, which I do all the time, and friendships to come into our lives. But there's also action that needs to take place, and there's also within that action, there is what's the word I'm looking for? There's a level of discernment that you need when you're picking and choosing your friends. And so today I'm going to go over the five things, the top five qualities of a good friend that you're going to need. And, oh, somebody just commented, wish my wife had friends. Hi, coach, Jay. I totally hear that. I've actually said that many, many years ago about my own husband, and I think that him and I both realized over the years that it takes work. It takes action right, stepping out of your comfort zone. Just in the same way that if you wanted a certain pair of sneakers, it takes action to step out of your comfort zone, of your own home, to get in your car, go to the sneaker store, try it on, see how it feels, and then purchase it. There's an entire science behind the buying process, in the same way that there's an entire science behind choosing your friend you one need to definitely step out of your comfort zone and do things that you wouldn't normally do. Right? For example, I don't know. I'm just making things up. Go to your local community center. Join. Like I was talking to somebody yesterday that joined a running club, A bar, A bar running club, which means that they like run, and then at the end of the run, they meet up at a bar, like they end up at a bar all sweaty, and they love it, and they just drink, which is amazing, right? And I'm like, How did you find this? And it was like, online, I just signed up. Just signed up for it, especially with the power of the internet, instead of spending, and I have been one of those people hours, right? Just consuming. I also want you to put that act into action, into spending hours, into taking action, right? Googling. How do I find new friends? What communities are available next to me, what platforms or community forums are available to me so I can meet new people? Maybe you start out as a coffee date. You don't have many people like especially when I started out my business, we would just have coffee chats, and I wouldn't even drink coffee, but we would just have these chats, virtual and. Get to know each other and meet each other, right? So, like there are different ways of going about it, and if you're interested in figuring out more advice, you can totally send me a DM and we could talk about it. But for this episode, I want to focus on the five qualities of a good friend, and this is specifically the qualities that you will take with you when you go on your girls trip. You understand?

Okay, top qualities of a good friend, number one, your ultimate cheerleader, your friends. Okay, it doesn't need to be your best friend. Your friend needs to be able to be one of your biggest motivators. Okay, it needs to be somebody that isn't jealous, isn't envious, doesn't have sneaky traits that are usually noticeable. You ever be around people that they're just like, they seem like they're joking, but they're really jerks. I know you know what. I mean. You need to have a friend that is your biggest cheerleader that wants to see you win very early on in your life that deep down inside, they feel like they just want to see you happy. Okay? They're your biggest cheerleader. Now that this doesn't mean that they just tell you to do everything. They're going to give you wise counsel, okay, but when it comes to choosing friends, they need to be your ultimate cheerleader. You understand?

Number two, this friend needs to be flexible. You ever have friends that are not flexible? It is the most annoying thing ever. Okay, I would say that 99% of my circle, I don't even know. I feel like saying 100% they're flexible friends. I'll give you an example. Well, first, let me tell you what I mean by flexible. As a recovering controller, I can tell you that I was not a flexible friend. Okay, in the past, if it wasn't my way, it was the highway, and I had such a very horrible view of how things should play out, I basically set myself up for disappointment very early on and constantly, you need to make sure that your good friends are flexible with change. Let me repeat that. You need to make sure that your friends top quality, especially at this age, okay? And I'm still young. 37 is young, okay? At this age, you need to make sure that the circle around you, that your good friends are flexible with change, because it is only human to evolve. You understand me. Can your friends accept changes? If not, then you need to second think about who's in your circle. Because one day you may, I don't know, just be in the normal habit of life, and then the next day you may open, want to open up a bakery. You need to have friends in your corner that cheer you on, that also have discernment to you know, list out to you the things that you know they are thinking about that you may not be thinking about, but that are also good quality friends that are okay with change. Flexibility is even one of the biggest qualities that I share as a relationship expert with my married clients. If you aren't flexible in your marriage, it will force you to constantly be upset if you are not flexible in your relationships, it will set you up for being disappointed all the time. Okay?

Number three, this goes without saying, and I know that you know this, your friends need to be people that you trust. Your friends need to be people that you trust to keep their mouth shut when you are not around. Your friends are people that you need to trust to stand up for you when things are being said behind your back and not in your presence. Your friends need to be people that you trust with the privacy of information that you gave to them that they're walking around the world with, and you said, Please don't tell anybody between us, right, that you made that pact. You need to have friends in your corner that you trust keeping that pact. You need to have friends that look at your situation and their situation may not be the most ideal, but you need to be able to trust that they can still be happy for you, even when their situation may not be ideal. You understand that is one of the most difficult things as an individual to do, to be happy for somebody that you love when your life is in shambles. But I promise you, it's possible, because those same exact friends have faith that things will work out for them in the same way that they're working out for you. Those exact same friends don't mess up or don't get involved. Those same exact friends don't get trapped in the comparison trap. Those same exact friends love you for where you're at and know that their situation has nothing to do with you. And that is for them to figure out, and they may call on you to be their wise counselor from time to time, but it doesn't mesh. These are friends that you trust, and plenty of times we let people in our lives that we don't really trust 100% stop letting people in your lives that you don't trust 100% Do you know how many people let me tell you something? Let me tell you something. This is something I rarely talk about. Do you know how many people in my life, and I don't know why there are so many people in my life that think that we have this very deep level of friendship and we don't, and it's great that it serves them, but they've only gotten, like, 20% of me, and that's enough, right? But they really believe that, you know, things are much more advanced than they are, and it's not to say that it's any type of manipulation, but for me, on my end, and how I'm thinking about it is I just have different levels of friendships. So yeah, we're friends, and we're cordial, and we talk, and maybe we update each other, and we know we like each other's post and you know, we, you know, send fire emojis when you know one of us does something amazing. But it's not this deeper level of friendship that I value, but for them, it's enough, because that's where their values stand. You're going to have a lot of friendships like that, and I don't have a problem with that, but understanding that there is a reason why this friendship isn't the next level. So for me, sometimes the issue has been that I don't trust this person, because I've heard them bash other people around me. So for me, it's like, okay, if you could do that to that person, you go and do it to me. So I just keep it very surface level. You understand SL friendships, Okay.

Number four. I mean, this is again, this fourth one, you're going to be like, of course, but some of y'all be around people that are toxic, and you just keep them around for decades, your friend needs to be able to bring you joy. Bring you joy. Does your friend, Yolanda, still make you happy when you're around her, when Yolanda walks through the door? Do you feel the heaviness in the room, or do you feel the atmosphere change for the good? This is what I want you to ask yourself, Okay, I don't mean that they need to make your entire world happy. I just mean, are they hard to read? Are they a drag to be around? Are they always in a bad mood? Do they suck the life out of you? Are they just always complaining and I need you to understand that we are all going through tough times, but if your friend isn't a joy to be around, you got to rethink that. That's why you don't have girls to go on girls trip with, because your friends you know. You can't trust them. You don't feel happy around them, and they don't motivate you. You see how specific I want you to be about the people that you have in your circle. Okay?

And then the last thing is, good friends respect your boundaries. Good friends respect your boundaries? I want you to ask yourself, do they respect your choices and boundaries as a person, as a parent, as an employee, as an owner of anything, or do they want to be involved in every single decision that you make and they want to have a say in it? That's not called being your friend. That's called being nosy. You understand me? You're going to have friends that are going to get upset that you made decisions without them. Um, man, sir, yeah, I didn't need you. I just needed God. Like plenty of times, you will have friendships. You will encounter friendships in which they get upset about your decisions. I mean, I've been one of those friends where I've watched my friends make decisions and I'm like, Damn I wish they didn't make that. And then I've either prayed about it or I've seeked wise counsel. And the message I always get is similar, which is like, you need to surrender your friendships. You're judging them. You need to allow them to make their own choices, and if they would like to hear your opinion. They'll ask, okay, I want you to have somebody in your life that doesn't necessarily take up so much residence in your mind and doesn't deplete your capacity for life. It's that serious, and I think that many of you have that in your life, which is why it's difficult for you to do things like have healthy communities and do things like girls trips. Okay, I'll say this. I know this is going to seem kind of off. I'm not the type of friend that's going to call you every day. That's not me, and I have a very specific reason why I know people that talk to each. Other every single day, like I'm talking about, they wake up, they text each other, they call each other, they're on the phone for hours every single day. My specific reason and y'all may be stronger than me for not being the friend that calls you every day is because my dependency needs to be on. God, I can't depend on you so much that I tell everything to you that I'm feeling before I tell God, I can't come to you about questions that I have about how to solve the issues that I want to solve by coming to you first, and I didn't even pray about it yet, I don't want to create a hyper dependence on you and call that besties. You're just on my board to make decisions with me if I want to seek your opinion. But I don't call you every single day because I need to develop a dependency on God, first God, first then me, then my husband, then my family, then you. It's always been like that, and I know a lot of people hate to hear this, but my marriage comes before my kids too, just like God comes before my marriage. And as difficult as it is to hear that like what girl you can see the benefits. It's all over my page. I ain't got nothing to hide. I don't sugarcoat anything. I don't glamorize my life. Because if I did, you would see me with Stanley Cups, not to judge you for having a Stanley Cup, but you would see me try to make this life look soft. It's not what you see is what you get. So I will not be calling you every single day. You understand me. I can't have that dependency, and that's a lot of pressure on you. I don't want that all right.

So for the purposes of of this episode, I want you to understand that the top five qualities of a good friend are having somebody that can motivate you, a cheerleader, numero dos, having somebody that you can trust, okay, that you can trust, to have your back, that you can trust and not talk about the things that you shared with them privately. Number three, having a good friend that you know is flexible and is not difficult to deal with. Number four, having a good friend that brings you joy and doesn't suck the life out of the room when they walk in. And number five, a good friend respecting your boundaries. You understand me. I think it's time that you make some decisions in your life about the many people that you feel like you need to prune out or press pause, you know, pause and then prune. Pause, prune. I've gone through those seasons many times, and I want you to understand that it's time to start making some decisions. Okay, you need to start to say that set the framework for your foundation, and you deserve this, and so does your future. Okay? If you're ready to work with me or or feel like right now, you're at a cross point where you don't know how to choose your friends. You don't know how to build community, and you know, it's something missing. I want to do this work with you. Okay? I want you to book a sales call with me, even if you're yourself a private person, all right, we're going to develop a plan that's going to make you feel safe and sharing what exactly it is that it's on your mind so that we can build you a future that is fruitful and just the very first call. Okay?

My name is Karina F. Daves. I'm a relationship expert, and this is my podcast, Relationships. You understand?

Alright, let me pray for you, Father, God. I thank you so much for this day. I thank you Lord, for the life that you have given us. I thank you that you allow us to have thoughts, literally. I just want to thank you for the fact that you have given us the gift of imagination, that you have given us the gift of being able to think and plan and be and do better for our lives. Lord, I can feel such a heaviness in the fact that people who are listening to this are wondering what's missing in their lives, and I just want you to send them peace and allow them to know that things will work out, and it's going to take a mixture of prayer and a mixture of action to get to where they want to be. I pray that you work their hands, that you work their hearts, that you work their minds, and that you strip out any single demon that attempts to get through inside of their home, father, God, I pray over marriages that are listening to me right now, that feel so much strife, that feel like they cannot get out of just having so many tips with each other. I pray that you break that spirit of anxiety, that you break that spirit that the enemy has sent of division into their household. I know how much the enemy hates marriage and I thank you Lord for giving me the platform to be able to pray against it. I pray for our children today, for their safety, for the camp counselors, or wherever our kids go today, I pray over them in Jesus name, amen. 

Okay. Thank you so much for coming back for another. Episode of relationships. You understand if you enjoyed this episode, make sure you subscribe to the show. Make sure you share with all of your amigos. And again, if you're ready, if any of today's episode resonated with you, you need to work with me. Okay, you need to work with me. Send me a message via DMS. We can talk some more there, or you can book a sales call in the link in my bio, I cannot tell you how important it is to do this work, and one of the things I tell my clients is, if I judge you, I can't help you. If I judge you, I can't help you. So know that all of my clients, I can say with certainty, never feel judged. I got so many client wins I got to share with you all. Can I share with y'all one client, when that actually two last night? Alright, really quick. Okay, so I have a client that is going through infidelity in her marriage. She's been with her partner for, I mean, I think close to 30 years, almost. Yeah, it's been a very long time, and she's working with me, and she has a therapist, and then her partner also has a therapist, and part of their homework was to write in a letter detailing their affairs and detailing, you know, how they felt about it, what They were thinking and even an apology. And so my client voxers Me, which is also like an app, like WhatsApp yesterday, and she's freaking out, and she's just like, I'm freaking out. I'm having so much anxiety about this, I don't know what to do. And I said, it's simple. This doesn't have to be hard. That's this is why you hired me. You have the story, you're going to tell me the story, and I am going to help you write it. She was like, what? And I was like, yeah. So last night, I said, for all of my clients, we have emergency calls. When my clients are having a moment like this, I will pick up the phone. You don't need to be setting up a time. You don't need to be emailing back and forth with my team. This is an emergency, and for her, this was an emergency. We FaceTimed last night. She had her laptop. I had mine. I created a Google Doc, and we literally wrote her letter together, because it was difficult for her to get through alone. She was shaking. She didn't know what words to use, and so I had her tell me the story, and I just put it on paper, and we, you know, organized it in a way that was also communicative and could land right? Because that's one of my specialties, is having communication strategies that actually lands with your partner, so that y'all comprehend each other, not just communicate, okay, because communication is dead without comprehension. By the end of our time together last night, she was just like, you're such a lifesaver. She even said, You need to tell your husband that you're worth $10,000 and I'm like, I know I am, but for now, we're keeping it this price, because God got said so. And then another win I had with my couple's client is that we were talking about the holes in their marriage, and I shared with them that their biggest hole is the hole of offense, and how offended they get at each other and how they don't know how to categorize their arguments. And so one of the frameworks that I teach when you work with me, is the different levels of categorization of marital arguments. One is put to forgive. Two is we need a conversation, and three is devastating. And what that is, is you don't need to be talking about every single little thing that you don't like about each other or that you have a dispute about each other, okay, like if you forgot to take out the trash, or you forgot to place that order on Amazon. That is level one, quick to forgive. We don't need to be having a conversation about it. Okay? Level two, conversation is like, I'm angry, you know, you said something really hurtful, or you didn't have my back your you know, your dad said something really hurtful, um, and you didn't have my back in the kitchen. That's a conversation. And then devastating is like cheating or physical hurt, or things of that nature. About over 50% of marital issues are not devastating, but are treated as devastation. And so I was teaching them this and how one of the biggest baits of Satan is offense. If you've ever read this book, it's called the bait of Satan is one of the best books I've ever read. And so in teaching them that my client, my clients, start getting emotional, and I'm like, Why is everything okay? Like, you know? As I'm like, kind of preaching on the call, I'm like, dang. Like, did I go too far? And the husband says, Karina, this is how, this is how, you know you're really good at your job. And I was like, what? And so he shares with me his phone that him and his wife had been doing this series, is marital series of prayer about praying about one specific thing each day, and their specific thing to pray about on Thursday yesterday was specifically offense. And here I am preaching to them about offense, and I think that that's such a beautiful testimony of the work that God has me do. You, and I want you to know that even though I mentioned God a lot, it doesn't mean that because you don't align with God, that I don't like you. God told me that his only job for me is to love and spread His love, and I can't help you if I judge you. You understand? Okay, I hope you enjoyed this episode and some of those nuggets of my client wins. My name is Karina F days. I'm a relationship expert podcast, host of this dope podcast, relationships you understand, and speaker, I love you so much, and I hope you have a great Friday. All right, bye.