99. Marriage 101 Pt 1: Why My Marriage Didn't Work
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your relationship and responsibilities teaching you how to stop arguing and have more sex. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
Welcome to our new podcast series - Marriage 101. In this 4 part series, I break down the history of my marriage, from my perspective.
In Part 1, I share that at one point, my marriage didn’t work because of the 3 C’s: Control, Career, and Communication.
Hear how we got help and what I did to turn things around.
I want you to resolve issues in your marriage, so you can work as a unit with your spouse. The goal of marriage is to be one.
Click the link to listen below and email me back with your thoughts, I want to hear from you!
If this episode resonated with you and you're ready to work with me during this season of your life, then I invite you to book a call for us to connect and chat.
During this call, you will share what is going on in your life, what you have tried so far, and I will share how I can help. I can't wait to meet you.
P.S. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp®. Get professional support when you need it, at a fraction of the cost of in-person therapy. Sign up today and receive 10% off your first month! Click the link to get started!
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Episode Transcript:
Karina: Amigos, como estamos? Welcome back to Relationships. You Understand? with your host, Karina F. Daves, I'm a relationship expert and podcast host of this dope podcast, and today we are starting a new series called marriage 101 series, and this series will be a four part series as we head into my 100th episode.
So on this specific episode, marriage 101 part one, I'm literally going to break down to you why my marriage didn't work, and I'm going to need, like, 20 seconds because I left my fan on one second.
Okay, as you know, all of my podcast episodes are super quick, because you don't need to be listening to this episode for 47 minutes. All right, here we go. These are the top reasons. Well, first of all, let me tell you a little bit about why I'm doing this series. It's such a special series because it lands on the 100th episode, number one, number two. It's also a very special series because I'm going to be breaking down for you literally, the trajectory and history of my marriage. Now, I do want to preface this by saying that remembering that this is my part of the story, I'm very respectful of my husband and his stance, but this is my part. Okay, so here we go. Marriage. 101, part one, why my marriage didn't work. It all boils down to the three C's, okay, my marriage didn't work because of control, career and communication. When I got married with my husband in 2012 we were 25 years old. I was a very hyper independent, can't nobody tell me nothing, type of girl, okay, I had filled out every single financial aid form on my own. I had gotten myself through college, I had gotten myself multiple scholarships, I had saved myself over and over again, you understand. And so I was very much this hyper independent person, and it was very difficult to no longer save myself, and what that transpired to when I got married was that I knew what was best. It was my way or the highway. I knew I knew exactly what I was doing or so that is what I portrayed, and that is where my controlling spirit would take over our relationship. So the number one, one of the number one reasons why my marriage didn't work was because of my control.
The second thing of why my marriage didn't work was my career. Now, I had worked very hard to get to where I was. I believe that when I got married, I got We got married in October, so that June, I had landed my third professional job, right? And at that point, I was idolizing my career without even knowing that I had idolized my career. You ever meet workaholics? I'm a recovering workaholic in the sense that my career was above everything. And so I had idolized my career so much that I was bringing home the stress of my career to my home. I had no sense or idea on how to create boundaries between my career and my household. And so everything that would happen at work, I would bring all of that crap home. I would be upset at my boss, but take it out on my husband. I would be upset that I didn't get a promotion that term, and take it out on my husband. You see, I would be upset that something at work didn't get done, and I would take out that frustration the fact that I couldn't get things done for my job, and I couldn't really focus on that anymore, and I had to come home, I would get really frustrated. So my career was also a problem in my marriage, and the way that I was handling my career, the way that I was idolizing my career, the way that I was utilizing and not creating a barrier between my career and my home. You understand?
The third thing as to why my marriage didn't work was straight up, my communication style. It sucked. My communication style was all about sharing feelings, and I was sharing feelings in circles, like I was never sharing feelings for a resolution. I was simply sharing a feeling to get off what was ever on my mind, right? I was never creating a safe space for my husband. We were just running each other into circles, right? And he would present solutions, and I would be like, No, tell me how you feel. This is how I feel. But this, I would always be like a but, but, but, but, but. And, I mean, listen, I can tell you that I still very much struggle sometimes with this, where I'm like but, and my husband's like, but there's no more. But, like, we solved it. And I'm like, Yeah, you're right. We did solve it. And what I want you to understand is that my control, my career, my communication style on my end, was why the marriage didn't work. Again, my husband has his own things, but I'll still, you know, I'm always so respectful of his side, but I'm sharing with y'all what was, what I how I was the problem in my marriage, okay?
And so in year three of our marriage, we decided to do something drastically different. We went and we got help, right? We started marriage therapy, and we also joined a marriage group with kids at our local church, so that we literally God sent us four other couples, or three other couples that were 10 years above us, and we watched them in their marriage, and they mentored us. And I'm telling you, like we say this all the time, we wouldn't have the house or half of the things that we have now that God has blessed us with if it wasn't for that mentorship. But I want you to understand that in the course of that this is what happened, and this is what I want to help you with. One, I let my guard down. Two, I became a safe place, not just for myself, but for the person that I called my husband. And three, I started to be committed to us, and seeing how much the enemy hates marriage and how much the enemy tries to kill, steal and destroy something that symbolizes God's love and something that is supposed to be of unity. I was so committed to getting my point across that instead, I decided to start being committed to us working as a unit. This is where you fall short. You want to communicate till the cows come home. You understand you want to communicate till everything is just on the line, but you don't want to communicate to resolve us when there is an issue, when there is a misalignment between you and your partner, there is a division of that unification. There's a division of that unity. Your goal shouldn't be to just stand up on your soapbox and say what you got to say. The goal is to unify you guys back together. The goal is to bring y'all back together united. That is the goal. That's God's goal for y'all. The enemy comes to divide, to divide your marriage, to break it apart. He hates it. But the goal of marriage is to be one. How can you be one, standing on your soapbox, talking about your feelings, but never wanting to resolve anything you understand something's got to change and listen. You can listen to my podcast all you want, and take as much notes as you want, but the real work happens when we work together one on one. I want to help you be able to let your guard down again. I want to help you communicate what you need to communicate for comprehension and understanding with your husband or with your wife, so that y'all can finally be on the same page. I want you to go to the link in my bio now and book a sales call if this resonates with you. If you've been in your marriage 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, and you know something's not right, and you know, something's not working, and all that's happening is that it's creating more and more of a division in your marriage. We gotta talk about that. Y'all are one. Y'all are one. Nobody's above each other. You understand?
Okay, let me pray for you, because I told you that this was going to be quick, Father. God, I thank you so much for everybody that's come on this call, on this marriage series. Lord, I pray that anybody that's listening right now that is in a long term relationship, or anybody that's in a marriage, Father, God, that you bless them and give them just mountains of discernment to be able to figure out exactly where things are going wrong. I ask that you give them the pull to get the support, whether it doesn't even need to be with me. Lord, I just ask that you send them angels of support into their lives, to really whisper in their ears to let them know that something needs to be healed and that they don't have to wait till the kids grow up. They don't have to wait till x and y is over. They don't need to wait till the debt is paid off. They can do this work now, because the longer that we allow the enemy to be at work, the longer that he succeeds, Father God, I just ask that you protect our children, protect our family, protect our love, protect our finances. Would you protect us and allow us to see the holes in our relationship and utilize you and become so much closer to you, so that you can give us the roadmap to this thing that is so hard with being on earth, Lord, called life. We love you so much in your name, we pray, amen.
Okay, all right, amigos. My name is Karina F. Daves. I'm a relationship expert and host of Relationships. You understand? I cannot wait to meet you. If you enjoyed this podcast, make sure you subscribe it, share with all of your amigos. And again, if you have any questions feel free to DM me. Okay, I love you. Bye.
