112. Dating Someone With Kids Series Pt. 1: They Have Kids
Meet the Host
Five years ago, after achieving my degrees and teaching as a professor, I was feeling proud that I had checked everything off my life list. But, I wasn’t satisfied in my marriage.
Today, I’m a relationship coach on a mission to resurrect the side of you that got lost in your relationship and responsibilities teaching you how to stop arguing and have more sex. Millions of people around the world soak up my content for advice on how to have a more satisfying relationship.
Welcome to our new podcast series - Dating Someone With Kids Series. In this 3 part series I walk you through the many things that I want you to think about if you are considering dating someone with kids involved.
In Part 1, I discuss the questions you should ask yourself when you are dating someone who has kids. There are 3 specific areas you need to focus on for a healthy relationship with someone with kids in their life.
Whether your partner’s kids are babies, or are already grown up, they have an established relationship with their parent which will affect you.
In this episode, I reference Episode 67. Dating Someone With Kids.
Click the link to listen below and email me back with your thoughts, I want to hear from you!
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During this call, you will share what is going on in your life, what you have tried so far, and I will share how I can help. I can't wait to meet you.
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Episode Transcript:
Karina: Amigos, como estamos? Welcome back to Relationships. You Understand? with me, your host, Karina F. Daves, Relationship Expert, podcast host, and speaker. And we are starting a series called Dating Someone with Kids. I actually have an episode called Dating Someone with Kids. I'll put it in the show notes. I believe it's possibly episode 68 or 69.
And today we're going to start a series, a three part series, where I'm going to walk you through the many things that I want you to think about if you are considering dating someone with kids, part two will be focused on if you have kids and part three will be focused on if y'all are bringing the family together. Okay. And co-parenting. So this is dating someone with kids now in the, this is a series, but in the episode that I recorded, I think over a year ago, about dating someone with kids, I heavily focused on heart posture. And I shared how if you don't see yourself dating someone with kids and it's not for you, it's not something that I ever want you to force yourself to do because you will, your heart posture on that matter will be colored everywhere in the relationship including these babies, right? Whether those babies are 15 or five, it doesn't matter. And so that episode is very much focused on your heart posture.
This series and this episode is going to be focused more on the questions that I want you to ask yourself and the thoughts that you may not be thinking about, at this moment, when you are considering dating someone with kids, what you're trying to do is change the way you feel about things because you are very fond of this person that you want to date. And that strategy isn't something that I recommend because to change your thought process or your heart posture or your values or your heart or your belief about something, whatever it is, takes some time. And it shouldn't be dependent on the person you are dating or the person you are pursuing or the, it should be more so focused on a value of yours.
And so I'm gonna walk you through how to figure out if this is a value of yours that you can see yourself primarily believing in, okay? All right, so let me walk you through that. And again, I take my kids to school. So this episode as always is gonna be quick.
So these are the three things I want you to think about when dating someone with kids. Number one, I want you to really try to understand their priorities. And what I mean by that is they have kids that have roles in their lives. And it's important for you to respect the role that their kids have in their life, right? Whether that role is they're a young child. So it may be that they need their parent more. Whether that role is they’re teenagers and applying for college or they just got married and they really want their mom or dad to be with them and help them support, know, and raise their family. Like you need to really respect the role of their children in their lives. Because for you, it's been about you and this other person that you're dating, whereas their children have been in their lives for a significant period of time and have already formed a role in their parents' life, right?
Number two, I want you to understand when you're thinking about understanding their priorities, also understand that they have to be able to balance their relationship with their kids and their relationship with you. And navigating that is not always easy, right? Because you just came into the picture. So I don't want you to think that you're less important because more attention is being placed on them. I just want you to understand that they're needing to balance the responsibility of the kids' needs, your needs, and their own needs at the same time. That is really understanding their priority. Also, there is going to be a moment in the relationship where you are going to feel rejected. Yes, kids will make you feel dating someone with kids will eventually make you feel rejected.
I say that with so much like, I know it's going to happen and I need you to understand their priority and realize that there is a difference between rejection and them trying to create boundaries or healthy boundaries with this relationship and the relationship with you, right? That's the first sort of step. The second is navigating jealousy and insecurity. And I know what you're thinking. How can somebody be jealous of somebody else's kids? It happens. I mean, we're humans, right? We tend to look at life as you get three pieces and I only get two, why? Right? Especially if you tell me that you love me. that's, are, man, there I'm gonna get into the whole conversation, but I'll share this. There is a difference between the flesh and the spirit. And we primarily live in this world, but we're not of this world. But being in this world, is such a comparison trap, right? Where we are trained to compare. And so when you're dating someone with kids, you are going to reach a stage where you're going to have to be able to navigate jealousy and your own insecurity. And what I mean by that is there are going to be moments where you are going to feel left out. You are going to feel like, dang, like you don't love me, you don't wanna be with me. You are also going to have to get to the point where you are going to have to understand the bond that this parent has with their kid and vice versa and understand that that bond is very different than the bond that they have with you. My mom used to tell me that the love that she has for me is very different than the love that she had for my stepdad. And now the reason, not only because I'm a relationship expert, but also because I grew up with two step parents. I grew up with a stepdad who was an amazing step parent and a horrible partner. And I also grew up with a step mom who was a horrible step mom. And I don't really want to get into her role as a partner because she's still with my dad and I want to respect her. But my stepdad and my mom actually broke up or got divorced after 15 years. And so I grew up with both sides and how to navigate it. And I know that there comes a point where you feel jealous and insecure. And I know that my stepmom definitely went through that and she made it very clear. And that's the one thing about her. Like I respect her honesty. She made it very clear and she said, this was probably like maybe 10 years ago. She said, know, if I would have known that your dad was gonna have such a close relationship with his girls, I would have never married him. And you know, to some people it's like, how could she say that? But like, she's honest.
You know, and I remember being like, dang, like, I get it. She came into this marriage thinking your kids are a little bit older. They should be more independent and they may not need as much time and attention. So I will get all the time and attention. Mind you, my stepmom had two kids. I have stepbrothers that are the same age as me. So it's a very interesting thing. And when you are dating someone with kids, you need to realize that there are going to be moments where you're going to have to navigate that jealousy and insecurity and understand that it's normal, right? And also understand that that is what is going to be pivotal in you and your partner building trust and building where the lines are that you can't cross.
Which leads me to my third point. If you are considering dating someone with kids, you also need to be very clear with your partner what your role is in this relationship, and you need to be okay with that role. And when I say that, I'm not saying that you need to stay in this relationship, but in order for this relationship to work out, you have to also agree that your role in this relationship in which you both have decided what it is, is something that you are comfortable with and something that you are not content with. Comfortable and agree with is very different than content with because you wanna be with this person. You need to understand that this person that has kids that you are attempting to date is an entire package. You understand me? It is very difficult to separate the kids from the parents. They are one package, one family dynamic that you are now entering. And so my third point in understanding your role in this relationship has to be you asking yourself the question of, you ready to embrace the kids and the partner being this entire package? Are you ready to fully understand and fulfill what your place will be in this relationship? Are you understanding and committed and in agreement with what the long-term lifestyle will be? Because if you aren't, any type of the way, it will cause tension. It will cause ruckus and it will put the both of you into a very uncomfortable situation where you will feel like they need to bend a little bit and choose you a little bit more. And in those moments, they will feel like they're letting go of their role or responsibility or commitment that they have to their kids. It's a very, like it's like such a balancing act.
And so when you are thinking about dating someone with kids, these are the top three things that I really need you to focus on. One, understanding their priorities and respecting it. Number two, navigating your own jealousy and insecurity. And number three, really knowing your role in the relationship. You understand me? If any of these three things are things that you are currently working on, currently trying to figure out, you need to work with me, okay?
Dating someone with kids isn't as easy as, know, well, we'll make sure that we have day and night on Fridays, and then you'll spend time with your kids every other weekend. You can only keep those two worlds apart temporarily. It is going to come to a moment where that world, that responsibility that your partner has with their children will eventually clash with you.
And so these are the types of questions that you need to be thinking about. These are the types of prompts that I really want you to ask yourself, dang, am I ready for this? Am I ready? How am I going to handle that insecurity? How am I going to handle navigating that jealousy? Am I ready to really be in this role asking your partner Yolanda, hey, Yolanda, I know you have Barry and Bridget in your life. And obviously I knew that. I wanna talk to you about what my role is going to be in this family first and then what I would like my role to be and see if we can come to a happy medium without me overstepping, without you feeling like I'm trying to take over. Those are serious conversations that you need to have with someone when you are dating someone with kids. You understand me? Okay, I gotta go, because I gotta go wake up my kids and take them to school. So let me pray for you.
Father God, I thank you so much for this day. I thank you so much that you have given us the ability to wake up and just enjoy our next cup of coffee, enjoy laughter with each other, enjoy expanding our lives and expanding our families. I thank you for the many blessings and I just ask that you rip up any type of spirit or demonic plan that the enemy has. We know that especially after October 31st, rates of suicide go up, depression go up.
So many bad things begin to happen in our world, Father God. And I just ask that we rebuke any soul ties that we have made with witchcraft, any soul ties that we have made with the enemy, Father God, whether we know it or not. And I ask that you cleanse our homes, cleanse our hearts and cleanse our minds and bring us closer together as a family in relationship with you. We love you so much. In your name we pray, amen.
Okay, let me just go through the comments really quick, cause I saw some coming in. 100%. Understanding the role of someone's children in their life is essential to respect their priorities, navigate their commitments and build a strong supportive relationship. That's from Elle Fianco. Thank you. That's so many. That's so true. Too many women in the world to deal with women with kids. That's from Jill. Nah, that's a little, that's disrespectful, but we're just gonna leave that there. And that's it.
So listen, if you are struggling or if you are attempting to navigate dating someone with kids, you need to work with me. Go to the link in my bio and book a consultation call so we can talk about everything that's happened so far, what you tried and how I can help. I want you to book a call even if you just started dating this person and you're not sure what to do. I'm gonna help you figure out how to navigate this relationship so that it works for the both of you. You understand me? Okay, my name is Karina F. Daves. I'm a relationship expert, podcast host and speaker. This is Relationships. You Understand? and I can't wait to see you next week. All right.
I love you so much. Have a great day. Bye.
